Big Al's Story

I hope some of my readers will excuse the sacrilegious tone in parts of this story. It's all meant in good fun, and sometimes sacrilegious jokes ARE funny...

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Big Al is really famous. And I mean really, big time, seriously famous. Like, Michelin Man or Icee Bear famous. The Michelin Man is man who is made out of white tires.

The Michelin Man, running away from gay predators.

Like most famous people, nobody had ever heard of Big Al when he was born. He was born in an area of the world called McDonaldland, which was founded centuries earlier by a great military commander named Ronald McDonald.

Ronald McDonald

Ronald McDonald was really famous in his own right, but he got assassinated because he wanted to raise the price of a Double Quarter Pounder With Cheese to four denarii.

Big Al was his father’s fifth son, so that meant he was pretty much ignored. He also had a serious bowel problem and suffered from what doctors and other poop experts call Crohn’s Disease. Crohn’s Disease was named after a guy named Burrill Crohn who was such an expert on poop that he had an intestinal illness named after him.

In Big Al’s day, though, it was just called The Shits.

Look: Big Al was totally overshadowed by his brothers. Their names were Stan, Baldy, Bertie, and Red. They pretty much regarded Big Al as a Big Poopy Pants, and so Al generally got stuck doing stuff like milking the cows and being forced to memorize English poetry. English poetry is a collection of pretty words that pretentious assholes think is meaningful.

A pretentious asshole.

Big Al thus became an expert on teats and letters, which would come in handy later in life. His wife was particularly pleased with his udder expertise.

When he was a teenager, some pirates tried to be all badass near Big Al’s home in McDonaldland, so he and his brother Red gave them some money and they went away. A pirate is a man who wears a do-rag and ripped pants and carries a long, slender object called a sword. A sword is used to disembowel people, and Big Al probably wished, at times, that he could be disemboweled to relieve his chronic diarrhea.

Disemboweling is when you remove someone’s intestines. It’s usually fatal.

If you know anything about pirates, you know that they always come back for more. They’re like children that way. That’s the lesson Big Al and his brother Red learned. When the pirates came back, Big Al and Red fought against them, but Red got disemboweled in the process.

Funnily enough, his brother’s disemboweling meant that Big Al was now in charge, because Stan, Baldy, and Bertie had already kicked the bucket by this time too. Big Al became sort of like Mayor McCheese.

Mayor McCheese is famous for his campaign slogan of "I will cut you, bitch."

The first thing Big Al did was give the pirates some more money. This made them go away again. It’s kind of like when you put Preparation H on a hemorrhoid.  Preparation H is a medicinal cream.  A hemorrhoid is a painful, bleeding sore on your asshole.

A painful, bleeding, asshole hemorrhoid.

After that, things went okay for a few years in Big Al’s McDonaldland. Grimace and Birdie got married, and the Fry Guys came out of the closet.

Grimace: What the fuck am I?
Birdie: Beats the shit out of me.

But then everything turned to shit again because the pirates came back. This was thanks in large part to the fact that the Hamburgler turned out to be a pirate. In any case, the pirates meant business this time, and Big Al got his ass kicked in a bad way. He ended up fortifying himself in a swamp, while the pirates pointed and called him names.

Look: Big Al became a swamp person for a while. He took up music and wrote a song called Swamp Music that was later recorded by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Lynyrd Skynyrd started out as Big Al's House Band.

In the song, Big Al’s love of English poetry really shines through: “Goin’ down to the swamp, gonna watch me a hound dog catch a coon. Hound dog sing that swamp, swamp, swamp, swamp music.”

While he lived in the swamps, he had to disguise himself so the pirates wouldn’t find him and disembowel him. He took a job as a cook, but when the cougar he worked for discovered that the cakes he was watching had burned, she got really pissed. A cougar is an aging female Baby Boomer who likes to have sex with her son’s friends.

She was cougar when cougar wasn't cool.

Big Al’s cougar boss was really upset until she found out who Big Al was. Then she was really sorry and offered to make it up to him by letting him do her in the butt. Of course, he was like: “Uh, we already did that.”

In any case, Big Al was so humble, he insisted that it was he, not her, who was at fault. This made the cougar really happy. Like the legs of a hooker, the story got spread far and wide, and everybody started saying Big Al needed to come back and regain control of McDonaldland.

This is when Big Al’s true genius started to show. He dressed up like a clown and visited the pirate camp. Pirates think clowns are really great fun. A clown is a homosexual pedophile who wears make-up.  In any case, dressed up like a clown, Big Al learned all sorts of inside information about what the pirates were doing, because pirates are prone to reveal their strategy to circus performers.

After learning everything he needed to know, Big Al went back to the swamps and stowed away his clown gear in a box marked “Porn Video Props.” Then he gathered a bunch of people with pitchforks, and went and slaughtered all the pirates. It made for great sport, and fun was had by young and old alike.

Look: Big Al was a Big Ol’ Christian. A Christian is a person who believes that God had to sacrifice himself to himself in order to change a set of rules he made himself.

This Christian suffers from Crohn's Disease of the Mouth.

After the Great Pirate Slaughter, Big Al made everyone in McDonaldland become a Christian. A few people, most notably the McNugget Buddies, flat out refused, so he disemboweled them.

The pagan beliefs of the McNugget Buddies led to their disemboweling.

Everyone else was totally cool with Christianity, so they came in droves to be baptized. Baptism is a religious ritual where you pretend to drown yourself because it makes Baby Jesus happy. Baby Jesus is God as a baby.

Jesus was born to a white, Caucasian, English-speaking mother in 1st century Galilee.

After years of diarrhea, Big Al finally died. He was buried underneath the ground like most people, but a few years later, they built a prison over his grave and the convicts who built it weren’t particularly impressed with his bones, so they threw them away. A convict is a person who was born poor.

The discarding of Big Al’s bones was particularly problematic, because by this time Big Al was a saint, and saint’s bones are magical. Magic is a type of trick that people don’t believe in unless the Church says it’s okay. The Church is a religious institution that tells people what to believe. A religious institution is a form of Crohn’s Disease.

Look: Big Al is more famously known as Alfred the Great, the first King of England, who repelled the Viking invasions of the 9th century and united the Anglo-Saxon kingdoms, paving the way for the future British Empire.

The sculptor who built this statue surreptitiously removed the diarrhea dribbling down Big Al's leg.