Showing posts with label British Monarchy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label British Monarchy. Show all posts

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Big Al's Story

I hope some of my readers will excuse the sacrilegious tone in parts of this story. It's all meant in good fun, and sometimes sacrilegious jokes ARE funny...

************

Big Al is really famous. And I mean really, big time, seriously famous. Like, Michelin Man or Icee Bear famous. The Michelin Man is man who is made out of white tires.

The Michelin Man, running away from gay predators.

Like most famous people, nobody had ever heard of Big Al when he was born. He was born in an area of the world called McDonaldland, which was founded centuries earlier by a great military commander named Ronald McDonald.

Ronald McDonald

Ronald McDonald was really famous in his own right, but he got assassinated because he wanted to raise the price of a Double Quarter Pounder With Cheese to four denarii.

Big Al was his father’s fifth son, so that meant he was pretty much ignored. He also had a serious bowel problem and suffered from what doctors and other poop experts call Crohn’s Disease. Crohn’s Disease was named after a guy named Burrill Crohn who was such an expert on poop that he had an intestinal illness named after him.

In Big Al’s day, though, it was just called The Shits.

Look: Big Al was totally overshadowed by his brothers. Their names were Stan, Baldy, Bertie, and Red. They pretty much regarded Big Al as a Big Poopy Pants, and so Al generally got stuck doing stuff like milking the cows and being forced to memorize English poetry. English poetry is a collection of pretty words that pretentious assholes think is meaningful.

A pretentious asshole.
Big Al thus became an expert on teats and letters, which would come in handy later in life. His wife was particularly pleased with his udder expertise.

When he was a teenager, some pirates tried to be all badass near Big Al’s home in McDonaldland, so he and his brother Red gave them some money and they went away. A pirate is a man who wears a do-rag and ripped pants and carries a long, slender object called a sword. A sword is used to disembowel people, and Big Al probably wished, at times, that he could be disemboweled to relieve his chronic diarrhea.

Disemboweling is when you remove someone’s intestines. It’s usually fatal.

If you know anything about pirates, you know that they always come back for more. They’re like children that way. That’s the lesson Big Al and his brother Red learned. When the pirates came back, Big Al and Red fought against them, but Red got disemboweled in the process.

Funnily enough, his brother’s disemboweling meant that Big Al was now in charge, because Stan, Baldy, and Bertie had already kicked the bucket by this time too. Big Al became sort of like Mayor McCheese.

Mayor McCheese is famous for his campaign slogan of "I will cut you, bitch."
The first thing Big Al did was give the pirates some more money. This made them go away again. It’s kind of like when you put Preparation H on a hemorrhoid.  Preparation H is a medicinal cream.  A hemorrhoid is a painful, bleeding sore on your asshole.

A painful, bleeding, asshole hemorrhoid.
After that, things went okay for a few years in Big Al’s McDonaldland. Grimace and Birdie got married, and the Fry Guys came out of the closet.

Grimace: What the fuck am I?
Birdie: Beats the shit out of me.
But then everything turned to shit again because the pirates came back. This was thanks in large part to the fact that the Hamburgler turned out to be a pirate. In any case, the pirates meant business this time, and Big Al got his ass kicked in a bad way. He ended up fortifying himself in a swamp, while the pirates pointed and called him names.

Look: Big Al became a swamp person for a while. He took up music and wrote a song called Swamp Music that was later recorded by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Lynyrd Skynyrd started out as Big Al's House Band.

In the song, Big Al’s love of English poetry really shines through: “Goin’ down to the swamp, gonna watch me a hound dog catch a coon. Hound dog sing that swamp, swamp, swamp, swamp music.”

While he lived in the swamps, he had to disguise himself so the pirates wouldn’t find him and disembowel him. He took a job as a cook, but when the cougar he worked for discovered that the cakes he was watching had burned, she got really pissed. A cougar is an aging female Baby Boomer who likes to have sex with her son’s friends.

She was cougar when cougar wasn't cool.
Big Al’s cougar boss was really upset until she found out who Big Al was. Then she was really sorry and offered to make it up to him by letting him do her in the butt. Of course, he was like: “Uh, we already did that.”

In any case, Big Al was so humble, he insisted that it was he, not her, who was at fault. This made the cougar really happy. Like the legs of a hooker, the story got spread far and wide, and everybody started saying Big Al needed to come back and regain control of McDonaldland.

This is when Big Al’s true genius started to show. He dressed up like a clown and visited the pirate camp. Pirates think clowns are really great fun. A clown is a homosexual pedophile who wears make-up.  In any case, dressed up like a clown, Big Al learned all sorts of inside information about what the pirates were doing, because pirates are prone to reveal their strategy to circus performers.

After learning everything he needed to know, Big Al went back to the swamps and stowed away his clown gear in a box marked “Porn Video Props.” Then he gathered a bunch of people with pitchforks, and went and slaughtered all the pirates. It made for great sport, and fun was had by young and old alike.

Look: Big Al was a Big Ol’ Christian. A Christian is a person who believes that God had to sacrifice himself to himself in order to change a set of rules he made himself.

This Christian suffers from Crohn's Disease of the Mouth.

After the Great Pirate Slaughter, Big Al made everyone in McDonaldland become a Christian. A few people, most notably the McNugget Buddies, flat out refused, so he disemboweled them.

The pagan beliefs of the McNugget Buddies led to their disemboweling.
Everyone else was totally cool with Christianity, so they came in droves to be baptized. Baptism is a religious ritual where you pretend to drown yourself because it makes Baby Jesus happy. Baby Jesus is God as a baby.

Jesus was born to a white, Caucasian, English-speaking mother in 1st century Galilee.
After years of diarrhea, Big Al finally died. He was buried underneath the ground like most people, but a few years later, they built a prison over his grave and the convicts who built it weren’t particularly impressed with his bones, so they threw them away. A convict is a person who was born poor.

The discarding of Big Al’s bones was particularly problematic, because by this time Big Al was a saint, and saint’s bones are magical. Magic is a type of trick that people don’t believe in unless the Church says it’s okay. The Church is a religious institution that tells people what to believe. A religious institution is a form of Crohn’s Disease.

Look: Big Al is more famously known as Alfred the Great, the first King of England, who repelled the Viking invasions of the 9th century and united the Anglo-Saxon kingdoms, paving the way for the future British Empire.

The sculptor who built this statue surreptitiously removed the diarrhea dribbling down Big Al's leg.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Eddy's Story

Note: You'll notice rather quickly that this post is written quite differently than most of the things I write. In writing this account, I experimented with a narrative technique pioneered and made famous by Kurt Vonnegut. Readers familiar with Vonnegut's work will no doubt recognize the style, and will also no doubt recognize my efforts as a cheap imitation of that style. So it goes. Still, I chose to write the story like this in order to challenge myself by trying on a different set of literary clothes, and also as a sort of tribute to the genius of Mr. Vonnegut.

Also, for the faint of heart, please note that near the bottom of this post, I have posted a picture in black and white that is extremely gory.

This is a true story.

----------

Eddy was born in 1864.

Eddy, dressed like a girl, together with his proud parents

His father was famous and his grandmother was even more famous. She was known around the world. They even named an era after her. Eddy didn’t know that when he was born, though. To him, she was just the funny old lady who smelled.

Eddy was named after his grandfather, but Eddy never knew him; he was already worm food when Eddy was born. His grandfather had been pretty famous too, but only because he was married to Eddy’s grandmother. They put him on tobacco boxes.

Eddy was born two months early, which is really early. They thought he would die, but he didn’t. Sometimes babies born that early don’t die. This is why people don’t like late term abortions. It’s a real live baby in there, etc.

Look: Eddy and his brother Georgie were only a year apart. Because of that, they were close. Georgie was pretty smart, but Eddy was known as the dummy of the family. A teacher once called him “abnormally dormant.”

Eddy was abnormally dormant, as you can see in this photograph

Doctors and such who specialize in that sort of thing say being born at seven months gestation can cause learning disabilities, etc. Or maybe Eddy just had bad genes. Either way, his family was concerned about how dumb he was.

When he was thirteen, Eddie almost died. He got typhoid, which is caused by ingesting poop. Funnily enough, his grandfather, famous on tobacco boxes, had died from typhoid too. It probably came from bad water. Water in the 19th century often had poop in it. Eddy didn’t die though. He probably wished he had.

When Eddy was sixteen, he joined the navy. His family hoped it might give him some good structure, teach him a thing or two about life, etc. He got to sail all over the world. His brother Georgie was with him. They got tattoos together in Japan, which was a pretty popular thing for sailors to do back then.

When he was 18, Eddy went to college. He was still abnormally dormant, but he got into a prestigious school because his grandmother was famous. They didn’t make him take tests or anything. They just let him go to school there. One of his teachers was a homosexual poet, etc., who later lost his mind and starved himself to death at age 32.

A homosexual poet

When Eddy left college in the 1880’s, he joined the army. He pretty much hated the army, but he did like to play polo. So he joined the cavalry. They let him play a lot of polo, evidently.

Look: Eddy was probably gay. It may have started with the gay-poet-who-would-later-go-crazy-and-starve-to-death tutor, or he may have just been born that way. Doctors and such who specialize in that sort of thing say gay people are born gay. Pastors and such say that’s not true, etc.

In any case, Eddy had a good friend named Arthur. Arthur took care of Eddy’s horses, and maybe a few other things, etc. Arthur got in big trouble in 1889 when police found out that he was paying men to have sex with him. He had to go to France to keep from going to jail. Gay men like France, evidently.

Most people figured Eddy was paying men to have sex with him too.

Lucky for Eddy, his family was rich and powerful, and they kept Eddy from ever getting charged with the crime of homosexuality.

Homosexuality was a crime back then.

Eddy's family was so rich and powerful, they had a painting done of themselves. Eddy is the dandy on the far left.

Eddy decided to get away from the scandal by going to India. He feasted with maharajahs and rode elephants. He also shot a lot of animals with a high powered rifle. Like polo, he really enjoyed killing animals. He found it to be a lot of fun, etc.

While he was in India, he met a married lady and apparently had sex with her. Maybe he was trying to prove he wasn’t a homosexual. In any case, she claimed her son was Eddy’s love child. Eddy’s family said that was preposterous. She later went crazy and died.

By now it was 1890 and Eddy’s family decided it was high time he get settled down and marry. This would ensure that he had children, but it would also make everyone believe he wasn’t gay.

Because Eddy’s family was rich and powerful, they set him up with a rich lady from Eastern Europe. Her name was Alexandra, because all Eastern Europeans in the 19th century were named either Alexander or Alexandra, depending on their genitalia.

This person was Eastern European, and had a vagina, so her name was Alexandra

Eddy asked Alexandra to marry him, but she said no. She probably thought he was gay and abnormally dormant.

Eddy was irritated, but he shouldn’t have felt too bad. Alexandra later got what was coming to her in a bad, bad way.

Look: Alexandra dumped Eddy to marry a rich and powerful man named Nicholas. Nicholas later became the Tsar of All Russia (in Russia, they call their king a “tsar”). Nicholas was really unpopular though, and in 1917, hungry terrorists called Communists overthrew the country. They took Nicholas and Alexandra, and their five children, out into the woods and fired about a hundred bullets at them. One of the bullets tried to take up the same space as Alexandra’s head. It entered above her left ear and exited above her right ear, etc. Then they stabbed her a bunch of times, because it seemed the thing to do. She died.

She probably should have married Eddy.

In any case, Eddy next went after a French girl. Her name was Helene. But she was Roman Catholic and Eddy’s family was Protestant. And in Eddy’s family, you just flat out did not marry a Catholic, because Catholics were idol-worshippers.

Helene was an idol-worshipper, as evidenced by her hat

Helene apparently really, really liked Eddy, though. So she offered to become a Protestant. Eddy’s family thought this was fantastic. But Helene’s family was outraged. They were pretty sure Protestants were going to hell, and no daughter of their family was going to burn with pagans, infidels, witches, and Protestants.

So Eddy was left holding his bag. It’s no wonder he was visiting male brothels. Etc.

In his defense, Eddy doesn’t seem to have been put off too much by all this. Apparently he wasn’t terribly choosy in a wife. Which makes sense if he was a raging homosexual.

Eddy, a raging homosexual

In December of 1891, Eddy finally struck gold. A lady named Mary agreed to marry him. Everybody was really happy. Third time’s a charm and all that. His famous grandmother remarked that Mary was “charming, sensible, and pretty,” which is exactly what any good woman should be.

Under this dress, Mary is wearing sensible shoes

A month later, in January of 1892, Eddy got the flu.

He died.

Mary ended up marrying his brother. Such is life.

Everybody was pretty upset about Eddy dying. He was abnormally dormant, and he liked to have sex with men, but people were still pretty upset. Like all people who die suddenly, everyone pretended that all the bad things had never been said, and instead said nothing but good things about him. It was like that for Michael Jackson too. Guilt is a dirty, dirty thing. Etc.

Michael Jackson, a homosexual pedophile

Eddy had been dead for a long time when the first person said he was Jack the Ripper. Most people who knew about Eddy thought that was preposterous. Sort of like when he said he wanted to marry a Catholic.

Here’s how the theory went: Eddie was a pervert. He liked to have sex with men and women. Doctors and such who specialize in that sort of thing call those people “bisexual.”

Bisexual people have a flag. This is it.

We already know about Eddie and the male prostitutes. Eddie also liked to partake of an occasional bangers and mash with anonymous hookers in London’s Whitechapel district. After one particularly rousing session of sexual intercourse for money, his sperm mated with an ovum, causing a baby to be produced in a prostitute’s womb.

This was a bad thing. So Eddy killed her.

Mary Jane Kelly did not survive this encounter

Problem was, she had some hooker friends who knew his dirty secret. So he killed them too. He discovered that he liked it a lot, etc. He also cut up their bodies and removed some organs, just for the sheer joy of it.

Eddy probably wasn’t Jack the Ripper. But it’s a fun story to tell.

Look: You’re probably wondering who the hell Eddy is.

If Eddy hadn’t died in 1892, he would have become the King of England in 1910.

Prince Eddy, in a photograph that drove the boys crazy


Eddy's brother, Georgie, who got to marry Eddy's fiance' and take Eddy's throne when Eddy conveniently died

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Conan, and Generation X, Got Screwed

NBC is run, evidently, but a bunch of douchebags.

When Conan O'Brien first came on the air back in the early 90's, I wasn't much of a fan. He was always set up to appeal to the late night college crowd, and I was a part of that crowd during his early days, yet I didn't really appreciate his humor.

Over the years, however, he's come to grow on me and I was glad to see him move into the Tonight Show spot (not that I watch the show much, but it was nice knowing he was there if I wanted to tune in).

I never really understood why NBC wanted to get rid of Leno and give the Tonight Show to Conan, but it didn't really bother me that much - I assumed Leno was ready to move on. It's only in recent days that I've learned that Leno never wanted to leave in the first place. NBC just wanted to keep Conan and they thought the only way they could do that would be to give him the Tonight Show.

When I heard that Leno was going to do a 10 pm show, I thought what probably most other people thought - that it would be a flop. Not because Leno isn't funny, but simply because that sort of show at 10 pm is just too unusual for mainstream pop culture to embrace.

But to turn around and give the Tonight Show back to Leno and more or less leave Conan holding his bag...it's a total WTF moment. A prime example, I suppose, of very poor leadership on the part of NBC.

I'm glad Conan is bilking NBC for nearly 50 million dollars. That's the price they deserve to pay for being so stupid. And not only is Conan walking away with more money than he could ever spend, but he'll also get another show on another network and probably be quite successful. So good for him. Boo for NBC.

I don't know if Leno deserves to be viewed as the bad guy in all this, but the whole situation has definitely put a bad taste in my mouth towards him - and I've always been a Leno fan. It seems to me that the decent thing would have been to simply admit that his 10 pm show failed and move on. Go to another network. Open a comedy club. Start a sitcom. Whatever. But to go back and take his old show back from the person it had been rightfully given to? That's just crappy. I kind of hope his ratings stay in the toilet.

My sister pointed out that this is a prime example of the continued antagonism between the Baby Boomers and Generation X. Leno is definitely a Boomer (born in 1950), and Conan (born in 1963) is from the earliest days of Gen X. And while Leno has always been geared toward that older, Booomer crowd, Conan has definitely always been geared toward the Gen X crowd.

In society, Gen X is characterized by constantly living in the shadows of their Baby Boomer forebears. The Boomers just won't go away, and Gen X is finding itself squeezed out of prominence by the Millennials (or Generation Y). So Gen X is stuck in limbo. It can't compete with the Boomers before it, or the Millennials after it.

You see this illustrated in so many things in society. Consider "Prince Charles Syndrome" (another example given to me by my sister). Queen Elizabeth represents the Boomers (she's not a Boomer, of course, but she came to the throne in the middle of the Boomer era of the early 50's), and Prince Charles represents Gen X (again, he's not a Gen Xer himself, but he represents them in this analogy). The old bitty won't die, so he's left holding his bag for all these years, waiting to become king. But now it's been so long that his son, William (who represents the Millennials in this analogy), is starting to overtake him in prominence and there is talk that William might as well just succeed Elizabeth, because Charles is so irrelevant now.

Or consider the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. If you know anything about the HOF in recent years, you'll know that there has been a distinct stigma in the last decade against players from the 1980's and early 1990's. They aren't "historical" enough to be talked about in the same sentence with Ruth, Gehrig, and Mays, and they seem to pale in comparison to the steroid-fueled players of the 2000's. So again you have the Boomers represented by the "old time greats," and you have the Millennials represented by modern players who have become machines on the field, and squeezed out in the middle, holding their bags, are the players from the Gen X era - the 1980's and early 1990's.

I don't know about you, but as a Gen Xer, I'm getting tired of holding my bag.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Tragedy of Lady Jane Grey


Lady Jane Grey, in a 17th century painting

Dawn broke on a London sky heavy with clouds on the morning of February 12, 1554. The city lay cloaked beneath a miasma of light drizzle, which wetted the cobblestones and kept the streets quiet and forlorn. An eastern wind blew frigid off the English Channel, rattling the bare branches of the copper beeches.*

Inside her rooms in the Tower of London, Jane Grey must have felt as cold and dreary as the weather outside her window.


The Tower of London in a 16th century sketch

Sometime in the late morning, a horse-drawn cart trundled by on the paving stones below, carrying the mortal remains of her husband, whose head had been parted from his body only moments earlier at the public execution site at Tower Hill. Earlier in the morning, she had watched him walk by her window, sobbing.

Determined not to lose her dignity, she held back her emotions as the executioners came to her room to escort her to Tower Green. On the orders of Queen Mary, she was to have a private execution – a singular honor for someone doomed to die. Her face was pale, but she was otherwise composed as she was led to the place where she would lose her head.


Tower Green - The execution spot is in the lower right hand corner

As she walked across the grass of Tower Green, staring at the scaffold which stood in the center – the same scaffold that had taken the heads of two wives of her great Uncle, Henry VIII – she must have wondered at the disturbing turn of events that had led to her arrival at such a notorious spot.

Called by a modern British historian “one of the finest female minds of the century,” Lady Jane Grey was born near Leicester at Bradgate Park in central England.


Deer in Bradgate Park

Her mother, Frances Brandon, was the granddaughter of Henry VII through his youngest daughter, making Jane a direct descendent of the founder of the Tudor dynasty.

Frances Brandon has been characterized as a strong and domineering mother who showed little affection to her children. Because of this lack of maternal love, Jane poured herself into scholarship**, mastering many languages, including Latin, Greek, and Hebrew, and becoming a devoted Protestant.

In March of 1547, at the age of 9, Jane was sent to live with her great Aunt, Catherine Parr, who was the sixth and final wife of Henry VIII. Henry had just died a few months earlier, and Catherine was now a dowager queen. Queen Catherine showed Jane the maternal love that she had never received from her own mother, but it was not to last long, as Catherine died in childbirth less than two years later (she had remarried in April of 1547, only 3 months after Henry’s death).

An attempt was made to marry Jane to Edward VI, who had succeeded his father to the throne of England. Edward and Jane were the same age and were second cousins. Edward, however, was sickly and not in good health, and because of this and other personal reasons, he rejected the proposal to marry his cousin. Jane was then offered to Guildford Dudley, the son of Edward’s chief advisor, John Dudley (since Edward was only a child when he ascended to the throne, his rule was mediated by a regency council, of which John Dudley was the head). Though Jane was opposed to this marriage, she consented under pressure and Jane and Guildford were married on the Ides of May, 1553.

Edward VI, like his cousin Jane, was a Protestant. John Dudley – Jane’s new father-in-law and Edward’s Lord Protector – was also a Protestant and had grown wealthy after Henry VIII had disbanded the Catholic monasteries and distributed their income and properties to his supporters. When it became apparent, during 1553, that the sickly teenage king would not live to adulthood, Dudley led a not-so-private campaign to ensure that Edward’s older sister Mary – who was a staunch Catholic – did not ascend to the throne. Dudley, like the other Protestant nobles, knew that Mary would deconstruct the Protestant reforms made by her father and brother before her, and they feared the land they had gained when the monasteries were disbanded would be lost if Mary reestablished state-sponsored Catholicism.

Led by Dudley, this anti-Mary faction convinced the ailing Edward to name his cousin, Lady Jane Grey, as his heir. Jane had a rightful claim to the throne as a direct descendent of Henry VII, and since the 1544 Act of Succession had given Henry VIII the right to alter succession at his will***, Edward agreed to name Lady Jane as his heir, effectively bypassing his elder sisters Mary and Elizabeth by declaring that they were illegitimate****.

Despite being named in the will of the king, Lady Jane’s claim to the throne was tenuous at best. The Act of Succession had specifically named Mary as the heir to Edward should Edward produce no heirs – Jane had figured in the Act of Succession only in that her male heirs would take the throne if no other heirs were available. Furthermore, since Edward was only 15, and therefore not of the age of majority, his decree that Jane should be his heir was not viewed as legally watertight or binding.

Be that as it may, when Edward died on July 6, 1553, Jane became queen, and was proclaimed as such on July 10, 1553. She had been told of the machinations to make her Edward’s heir only one day earlier. Her response had been one of shock and feelings of insufficiency. Be that as it may, she became the first queen regent in English history*****. As was the custom of monarchs during the time between their accession and their coronation, Jane moved into secure rooms in the Tower of London, thereby laying claim to the Tower.

On her first day as queen, she discovered the grisly truth of how she was being used to enact a secret plan for power, formulated by her father-in-law, John Dudley. The Lord Treasurer brought a number of jewels, including a crown, for Jane to try on. She refused to put the crown on, still not fully believing that she was indeed the Queen of England. The Lord Treasurer, not understanding her hesitancy, encouraged her to take it, remarking offhandedly that another would be made for her husband when he was crowned king.

Jane was enraged, realizing for the first time that Dudley’s interests lay not on religious principles, but instead on the hopes that he could install his son (Jane’s husband, Guildford) as the king and successor of Edward. Jane immediately stated her intent to make her husband a duke, promising that he would never be a king. Guildford, angry and upset that she was not caving to his father’s grand plan, attempted to change her mind, but Jane refused to entertain the idea that she would defer her regency to him. He attempted to leave, but Jane ordered that he remain at the Tower with her.

Later that same evening, Jane’s accession was announced throughout London, and to the surprise and disappointment of Dudley and the other conspirators, the announcement was met with much hostility by the general public. The English people, it seemed, supported Mary – Henry VIII’s eldest daughter and the original heir presumptive before Edward’s deathbed will. The people felt (perhaps rightly so) that Jane’s claim to the throne was illegal, and many (primarily Catholics) felt resentful of the attempts by the monarchy to suppress the free practice of Catholicism in England. While Jane had the support of the nobles and the deceased king, Mary had the support of the populace.

Dudley, realizing that Mary was the only thing standing between him and the realization of his goals (he could worry later about conniving to get his son installed as king), attempted to capture and imprison Mary. In the last few days before Edward’s death, he summoned Mary to the king’s deathbed. Mary was warned, however, that it was a trap, and turned back, retreating to East Anglia. Dudley sent some of his lackeys after her, but they were unable to apprehend her.

As a result, Dudley began making preparations for battle, thinking that mustering a fighting force to forcibly remove Mary from the picture would be the only answer to his problem. He left Jane in the Tower, watched over by the regency council, which had sworn allegiance to her, and went lead his regiment to where he believed Mary was hiding.

But his plan was crumbling around him. Several prominent towns declared Mary the queen, and other towns followed suit. A regiment of ships Dudley had dispatched to cut off a possible escape route betrayed Dudley and pledged allegiance to Mary instead.

When news of this desertion reached London, the councilors sworn to protect Jane began to vacillate. Fearing they would desert her, Jane ordered the doors of the Tower locked from the outside. Additionally, Jane began sending out royal proclamations, signed “Jane the Quene,” urging the people to support her against Mary’s building rebellion.

It ultimately proved futile. The councilors, leaving the Tower under the pretext of visiting the French ambassador, pledged their support to Mary, claiming they had always been loyal to her and that Dudley had forced them to support Jane.

Thus, with popular and statutory support behind her, Mary was proclaimed queen on July 19, 1553, and Jane’s claim of accession was deemed invalid. Jane, who had been ruling for nine days from her rooms in the Tower of London, now became a prisoner in the very place that had been her regnal base.

Jane, who had been at the center of so many plans and aspirations, now found herself without an ally. With no one else to plead her case, Jane wrote to Mary herself, attempting to explain her position and apologizing for accepting the crown. “I might have taken upon me that of which I was not worthy, yet no one can ever say either that I sought it...or that I was pleased with it.”

For her part, Mary believed Jane. She saw that Jane had merely been an unwitting pawn in a grand game of conspiracy, and despite encouragement from several advisors, she resisted the idea of executing Jane for her role in the succession crisis.

Jane was kept in the Tower, but was treated well and began to feel that she was no longer in any imminent danger. Dudley and several of his cronies were executed in mid-August, and Jane felt that, since she had not been convicted and executed along with them, she must be safe from the executioner’s block. Mary, caught up in the machinations of her planned marriage to Philip of Spain, paid little attention to Jane during this time. She seems to have been content to simply keep Jane benignly under lock and key.

During this time, Jane spent much of her time reading and studying the tenets of her faith. She was as devout and pious in her Protestantism as Mary was in her Catholicism, and though she was regarded as a kind, intelligent, and caring person, she was, when it came to issues of faith, self-righteous and intolerant. She was greatly distressed, and lashed out in letters full of scathing and venomous reproach, when many Protestants began to turn back to Catholicism, including one of her childhood tutors******.

Eventually, Mary caved to the pressure to see justice done against Jane and her husband. So in November of 1553, Jane and Guildford were put on trial for their role in Dudley’s attempted usurpation. The pair pled guilty to high treason and were both sentenced to death. Most people, however, believed the sentences were a mere formality, particularly Jane’s. Mary’s principle advisor – the same one who had encouraged her to executed Jane – wrote in his weekly dispatches, following the sentencing: “As for Jane, I am told her life is safe.” In addition, Jane’s mother was a favorite of Mary, and Jane’s younger sisters were ladies-in-waiting to Mary. Most believed that Jane would soon be pardoned and allowed to return to her family.

In the end, Mary’s desire to marry Philip of Spain ultimately cost Jane her life.

When Mary’s engagement to the heir of the Holy Roman Empire was announced, it was met with great hostility from the same populace who had supported Mary’s claim to the throne. They feared England would become a pawn of the Holy Roman Empire, and they feared that foreigners (namely Spaniards) would inherit the throne when Mary died (she was in her late 30’s, and childless, when she took the throne).

As a result of the hostile feelings about Mary’s impending marriage, revolts broke out in January of 1554. Led by Thomas Wyatt, along with the support of several other prominent nobles, including Jane’s father – who had been pardoned and given leniency by Mary only months earlier – a rebellion was planned which would depose Mary and install her sister Elizabeth on the throne, while also marrying Elizabeth to one of their supporters, Edward Courtenay. Courtenay, however, caved under pressure from Mary’s advisors and betrayed the plot. The rebellion fell apart and the perpetrators were arrested.

Wyatt’s Rebellion shook Mary’s confidence. She felt she had been lenient and kind, and she was rewarded with rebellion. She was particularly shaken by the betrayal of Henry Grey, Jane’s father, whose wife and youngest daughters were frequent members of her retinue. She began to fear for her safety and her position, and she realized the only way to stem further rebellion was to deal harshly with those who threatened her throne.

Jane’s fate was sealed.

Though she took no part whatsoever in Wyatt’s Rebellion (she was, of course, still being held in the Tower of London), she had held the title of queen for nine days, and, as such, could be a future threat within Protestant rebellions against Mary’s rule.

Jane, along with her husband and the other conspirators, were sentenced to die immediately. Jane’s execution was scheduled for February 9th, 1554. Mary, however, felt a last minute pang of guilt, and so she dispatched Father John de Feckenham, dean of St. Paul’s, to minister to Jane and attempt to win Jane to the Catholic faith. Though she took an immediate liking to Father de Feckenham, she refused to renounce her strict Protestant faith.

As a result, her execution went forward on the following Monday, February 12th. Father de Feckenham offered to accompany her to the scaffold, and she agreed. Though he had failed in his attempts to convert her, he had made a strong impression on her, and she wished to have him by her side when she died.


A 19th century artist's rendering of Jane's execution

Standing by the scaffold at Tower Green, under a leaden winter sky, Jane Grey addressed the small crowd, admitting to treason but insisting upon her moral innocence. She then recited the 51st Psalm.

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.”

When she was finished, she thanked Father de Feckenham for his kindness, and asked the executioner to give her a quick death. Then she turned to the execution block and, with her own hand, placed a blindfold around her eyes. She acted too quickly, however, and stumbled, unable to find the execution block.

“What shall I do? Where is it?” she is reputed to have said.

Father de Feckenham stepped forward, gently guiding her to the spot. She stretched her body out, lay her head with dignity upon the block, and awaited the falling of the axe.


The Chapel of St. Peter in Chains, which faces Tower Green, and where Jane is buried alongside her husband

No contemporary paintings of Lady Jane Grey are known to exist. However, a painting that has been hanging for years inside a home in England is now believed to be a contemporary portrait of Lady Jane. Read about it here.

Many thanks to EnglishHistory.net and Wikipedia for much of the information in this article.

* Sadly, no weather reports of February 12, 1554 exist (to my knowledge), so this meteorological description is based on traditional February London weather patterns.

** In a letter to her tutor, Roger Ascham, in 1550, Jane wrote: “...whatsoever I do else but learning is full of grief, trouble, fear and wholly misliking to me.”

*** The 1544 Act of Succession specifically named Edward as Henry’s heir. If Edward didn’t produce any heirs, then the throne was to pass to Henry’s eldest daughter, Mary and her male descendents. If Mary was dead by then, or did not have any male heirs, then the throne was to pass to Henry’s second daughter, Elizabeth and her male descendents. In the event of Elizabeth’s death without a male heir, succession would fall to the male heirs of Frances Brandon (Lady Jane’s mother). If Frances Brandon had no male heirs, then succession would pass to Lady Jane’s male heirs. There were clauses in the law, however, which more or less gave Henry the right to change any of it at his whim. By naming Jane as his heir, Edward attempted to apply these clauses to his own kingly rights.

**** Mary and Elizabeth had both been declared illegitimate, and stripped of their succession rights, by acts of Parliament in the 1530’s, but the aforementioned 1544 Act of Succession re-established them as rightful heirs of the throne; however, their official illegitimacy was never rescinded, and Edward used this to support the naming of Jane as his heir.

***** Henry II, who ruled during the first half of the 1100’s, died without a male heir and had named his eldest daughter, Matilda as his heir presumptive. However, Henry’s nephew, Stephen, usurped the throne upon Henry’s death, plunging England into civil war. Stephen ultimately prevailed over Matilda, signing a treaty in which he named Matilda’s son as his heir. There was, however, a period of about nine months, during the civil war, when Stephen was captured and Matilda claimed the throne and moved into the palace. After Stephen was released, he took the throne back from Matilda. Since Matilda was never officially proclaimed queen by the nobles, and since she was never crowned, she is not considered an official monarch of England.

****** The tutor in question was a certain Dr. Harding, to whom Jane wrote: “Oh wretched and unhappy man, what art thou but dust and ashes? And wilt thou resist thy Maker that fashioned thee and framed thee? Wilt thou refuse the true God, and worship the invention of man, the golden calf, the whore of Babylon, the Romish religion, the abominable idol, the most wicked mass?” Additionally, John Dudley, prior to his execution, had also renounced his Protestant faith, perhaps in an effort to charm Mary into sparing his life. It didn’t work. Dudley took the sacraments and was welcomed into the Catholic faith, and then lost his head the next morning.

Friday, December 29, 2006

The Murder of Thomas Becket

On this day, December 29, in the year 1170, Thomas Becket was murdered inside Canterbury Cathedral.



He was murdered at this spot.



He had been at odds with King Henry II for several years.



When Henry made a comment (or a series of comments) before his knights about wishing to be rid of the nuisance priest, his knights took his comments as an order to assassinate Becket.



In later years, an apologetic Henry publicly asked for penance before Becket’s shrine. The stairs leading up to the shrine were trodden by so many pilgrims that the stone became worn.



An excellent novel that takes place during the 12th century, and includes a fictionalization of Becket’s murder and the events leading up to it, is Ken Follett's book The Pillars of the Earth. You’ll notice this book in my Must Read Books list. It’s one of my all time favorites. Reading it was sort of like watching the movie Titanic...it was so engrossing that you didn’t realize how long it was.

Today should be an extraordinarily slow day at work, so I’ll try to see if I can’t write a poem or two to post on The Writing Desk for your reading enjoyment.

P.S. – I spent much of yesterday attempting to get my blogs a bit more traffic from the web. I submitted them for indexing on the major search engines, and I set up feeds for both blogs. You may notice a bunch of new buttons on the sidebars of Serene Musings and The Writing Desk. For any of you who have personalized Yahoo! or Google homepages, you can now add my blog feeds to your homepage. Simply click on the button, then follow the instructions. By doing so, you can have a tab on your Yahoo! or Google homepage with my blogs, and it will show the updated headlines of any new posts that I put up. I also have buttons for Google Reader, MSN, and several other homepage websites, in case you use any of those.

You may also notice a counter now at the bottom of both my blogs. Now I’ll be able to see just how much traffic I’m getting (of course, right now, the majority of those views are from me going to my pages to add buttons and links).

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Egypt and England: A Comparison

Just to give you an idea of how unimaginably long the ancient Egyptian civilization flourished as a unified nation, consider this:

A man named Narmer was Egypt’s first king. He was a warrior who took control of the Upper and Lower Kingdoms of Egypt, and combined the various Egyptian provinces into one unified kingdom. He is widely considered the first Egyptian Pharaoh, and he established what is known as the 1st Dynasty of Egyptian rulers. He lived and ruled around 3100 B.C.E.

The pyramids at Giza were built during the 4th Dynasty, roughly 2500 B.C.E., or 600 years after Narmer. The last pharaoh of the 6th Dynasty, Pepi II, took the throne at age 6, and is believed to have lived to at least the age of 100. His official reign of 94 years is still the longest monarchical reign in recorded history. When he died, however, his dynasty ended (he had, no doubt, outlived all his heirs), and thus the “Old Kingdom” of Egyptian history came to an end. The next five dynasties existed during the period known as the First Intermediate Period – an era characterized by decentralized governments, weak rulers, famines, wars, invasions, etc. Very little is known of the history of this period, which lasted from roughly 2200 to 2000 B.C.E.

Powerful rulers and a re-establishment of a strong central government helped usher in the Middle Kingdom, a period which saw an increase in the production of history, art, and architecture. This period of relative stability lasted until about 1700 B.C.E., when a race of Asiatic people began to invade Egypt. They are known as the Hyksos, and they ushered in a period of unrest and civil war, ruling Egypt as foreigners, and establishing what is now called the Second Intermediate Period in Egyptian History. The Hyksos primarily controlled Lower Egypt (the northern half of Egypt), while a weaker Egyptian king ruled from Thebes in the south. In time, the Hyksos came to control all of Egypt, with the Theban rulers either pledging allegiance to the Hyksos, or ruling in exile.

Beginning in roughly 1550 B.C.E., the Hyksos were finally defeated and driven out of Egypt by a pharaoh named Kamose, who was a native Egyptian and a member of the ruling Theban family. His successor, Ahmose I, established the 18th Dynasty, which marks the beginning of what is known as the New Kingdom. The New Kingdom lasted until roughly 1050 B.C.E., and is considered the Golden Age of ancient Egypt. These were the centuries in which Egypt was its most powerful, controlling not only its own borders, but many of the tribes and civilizations throughout North Africa and the Middle East. The production of art, literature, history, and architecture boomed during this period, and this period saw the reigns of such powerful and well-known kings as Akhenaten (who abolished the traditional gods in favor of single god), the powerful Queen Hatshepsut, who called herself a king, built many monuments, and even wore the traditional false beard of the pharaohs, Ramesses II, and King Tut.

The Third Intermediate Period ushered in yet another period of decentralization of government and civil war. It lasted about 400 years, until the beginning of the Late Period, starting in 650 B.C.E. The 26th Dynasty ruled during this time, and proved to be the last of the native Egyptian rulers of Egypt. After that, beginning in about 525 B.C.E., the Persians conquered Egypt and ruled for several hundred years, up until the invasion of Egypt by Alexander the Great in about 338 B.C.E. After that, the Greeks ruled Egypt until 30 B.C.E., when Cleopatra VII committed suicide and the Romans took control under Octavius.

Now, having taken that brief trip through 3,000 years of ancient Egyptian history (and that only took us up to the time of Jesus!), let’s compare that long establishment of civilization and culture with our own current establishment of civilization and culture.

Since much of America was settled by Anglos from the UK, and most Americans today can trace their lineage back to the British Isles, I am going to focus this comparison on British history.

The English Narmer is a man by the name of Alfred. Alfred lived in the mid- to late-9th century (he died in 899 C.E.). Prior to his time, the British isles had been divided up into a series of petty kingdoms and principalities, with the majority of the population descended from a group of people from northern Germania who had been called the Angles. The Angles were referred to as a tribe in northern Germania as early as 98 C.E. in the writings of the historian Tacitus. This tribe of people made their way to the British isles, where they eventually settled and established a number of small city-states and provinces. By the time of Alfred, Angleland (or, England), was made up of the provinces of Northumbria, East Anglia, Mercia, Kent, Sussex, Wessex, and Essex. Each of these provinces had their own ruling families and kings, and they were intermittently at war and peace with each other.

It was not unlike the Pre-Dynastic Period of Egyptian history, when Egypt was divided into provinces and ruled by a series of chieftains and warrior kings, warring and making peace, but never unifying under one central leader.

Into this world came the English Narmer, Alfred. Alfred was the brother of the West Saxon king, Ethelred. Beginning in roughly 860 C.E., Danish invaders began to land in northern England, in the kingdom of Northumbria. Called Vikings by the English, the Danes slowly began to make their way across the British mainland, plundering and either deposing or buying the allegiance of the various provincial kings. Northumbria fell first, followed by East Anglia and Mercia. As king of Wessex, Ethelred and his brother Alfred fought alongside the Mercians against the Danes, but retreated back to Wessex after Mercia fell.

In 870, the Vikings came to plunder Wessex. Alfred – who led his brother’s army – fought as many as 9 battles that year against the Danish invaders, and succeeded in keeping them out of Wessex.

In 871, Ethelred died, and although he had two sons, both were still children, and so Alfred was able to take the throne of Wessex. Over the next several years, Alfred continued to fight the Danes, and ultimately made peace with them in 878, splitting England into two halves – with Alfred controlling the southeast, and the Danes controlling the northeast, including London. For several years there was peace, with the British island (excluding Wales and Scotland) comprised of two provinces – England and Danelaw.

However, the Vikings were not satisfied with only half of England, and by the mid-880’s, they began attacking English towns and villages. Alfred struck back with force, capturing London in 886, and ultimately driving the Vikings out of England by 896. He died in 899 as the first king of a unified England. He had first pronounced himself Rex Anglorum – King of the English – after capturing London.

A line of kings followed Alfred, known today as the “West Saxon” kings. They ruled England until the first decade of the 1000’s when the Vikings returned. In ancient Egyptian language, this might be called the “First Intermediate Period.”

The Vikings defeated Ethelred II (earning him the nickname “Ethelred the Unready”), and took control of England, beginning with Canute in 1016 C.E. Canute married Ethelred’s widow, and their two sons ultimately succeed him to the throne.

In 1042, Ethelred II’s son Edward returned from exile in Normandy. He was beloved by the West Saxon population of England, and was ultimately named successor to his half brother Harthacanute (Harthacanute was the second son of Edward’s mother and Canute). Edward became known as Edward the Confessor, and his reign re-established West Saxon control of the throne of England.

In 1066, Edward died without a child. Prior to his death, he had publicly named his grand nephew, Edgar, as his heir. However, Harold Godwinson, the earl of Wessex, was the second most powerful man in England after Edward, and claimed (through his earldom in Wessex) to be descended from Alfred (he was also Edward’s brother-in-law). So upon Edward’s death, he claimed the throne.

However, William, Duke of Normandy, had his eyes on the throne of England (he was the grand nephew of Edward’s mother – the same one who had been married to both Ethelred II and Canute), and he claimed that Edward had promised the throne to him during a trip to England some years earlier (if this is true, it was never made public...English records show only Edgar as the named heir of Edward). William also claimed that Harold had pledged his support to William’s kingship during a shipwreck in 1064, in which William had aided Harold. Harold denied this.

Thus, the stage was set for the Battle of Hastings, which occurred in October of 1066. William’s army won, Harold was killed, and William became King of England.

All of these events, from Alfred to William, took place over the course of about 200 years. By ancient Egyptian standards, we are still nearly 400 years from the building of the Great Pyramids at Giza.

William was succeeded by his son, William Rufus, and his second son, Henry. Henry had no sons, and since there was no precedent, at the time, for a woman to claim the throne of England, Stephen, the French Count of Blois, claimed the throne (Stephen was the grandson of William the Conqueror by his mother). Matilda, the daughter of King Henry, and granddaughter of William the Conqueror, also claimed the throne, thus setting the stage for what we might call the “Second Intermediate Period” in English history.

After a series of civil wars, ransoms, and vacillating allegiances from the various English nobles, Stephen managed to hang on to the crown, but only by publicly naming Matilda’s son Henry as his heir. Thus, Stephen became the only English king from the House of Blois.

Henry II established the Plantagenet dynasty, which produced such kings as Richard the Lionheart, Edward I (the king demonized in the film “Braveheart”), and Edward III.

Richard III proved to be the last Plantagenet king. He usurped the throne from his nephew, Edward V, and most likely had the young king murdered. Richard’s actions led to uprising and civil war, culminating with his death at the Battle of Bosworth Field. He was the last English monarch to be killed in battle.

By ancient Egyptian standards, Richard III died about the time the third pyramid was being built at Giza.

After Richard III, the Tudors took control of the English throne, and this dynasty included Henry VIII and Elizabeth I. The Stuarts followed, then the period of civil war when Charles I was beheaded and Oliver Cromwell established what is known as the Commonwealth (perhaps the Third Intermediate Period?). The Stuarts were restored after the destruction of the Commonwealth, but their line ended with the tragic figure of Queen Anne, who – despite more than fifteen pregnancies – produced no children who lived past the age of 11.

This inability to produce an heir on the part of Queen Anne set the stage for the Hanoverians to take the throne of England. They were the rulers of a German province called Hanover, and were very distantly related to the Stuarts. Under their watch, both the American and French Revolutions occurred, and their direct descendents are still on the throne of England today.

The American Revolution occurred at the point in British history that would have coincided with the end of the Old Kingdom of ancient Egypt, and the beginning of the First Intermediate Period. World War II began at roughly the point in time when the Middle Kingdom pharaohs began to flourish in ancient Egypt.

By Egyptian standards, the Anglo West is still 300 years from the Hyksos invasion, 700 years from the reigns of King Tut and Ramesses II, 1,700 years from Alexander the Great, and 2,000 years from Julius Caesar and Cleopatra.

And 4,000 years from Elizabeth II, Bush II, and 9/11.

Kind of a mind freak, isn’t it?

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Queen Anne's Womb

The failure of England's Queen Anne to produce an heir is significant enough that one could argue the United States itself may not even exist today – at least not in its present form – if not for this singular event in the 18th century.

Anne came to the throne of England in 1702, when her brother-in-law, William III, died without an heir. William, of course, had been the William of William & Mary fame, Protestant co-regents who overthrew Mary and Anne’s Catholic father, James II, in the Glorious Revolution, bringing Protestantism to the English throne for good.

In 1701, after it had become apparent that Anne would succeed her childless brother-in-law, a succession crisis occurred because Anne did not have any children either. There was a fear that once Anne died, her half-brother, James Stuart, who was Catholic like their father, would take the throne. To keep that from happening, Parliament passed the Act of Settlement to ensure that Protestants remained on the throne. Thus, the Act decreed that the throne would pass, after Anne’s death, to Sophia, who was the Protestant regent of the German province of Hanover. Sophia was the granddaughter of James I, through James’s eldest daughter, Elizabeth. Princess Elizabeth had married into the Hanoverian royal family. James I had been Anne’s great-grandfather, making Sophia Anne’s second cousin.

It was through no easy, or even likely, path that Anne came to be without an heir. In fact, it’s the unlikeliness of the fact that she didn’t produce an heir that makes this story so interesting. She wasn’t barren, and her husband was not sterile. They tried desperately to produce offspring. Between 1684 and 1700, Anne was pregnant no less than eighteen times. Eighteen times! Twelve of those pregnancies produced stillborn children, including a set of stillborn twins. Of the remaining six children, three were born alive, but died the same day, and two died before the age of 2 years. That left Anne and her husband with only one child, William. William was not a healthy child, and had continual physical ailments, including the brain disorder hydrocephalus (although that wasn’t determined until after his death). In July of 1700, he got sick and was treated for smallpox. It didn’t work. He died five days after his 11th birthday.

Can you imagine the sadness that must have accompanied twelve stillborn children, five infant deaths, and the death at age 11 of your only surviving child? Indeed, the physical and emotional stress of all these pregnancies and stillbirths left Anne with chronic ill health and chronic pain disorders. She eventually died of complications from gout, and it was said that death brought her a sort of sweet release from pain and suffering. She had grown so obese in her later life, from her inability to get around much, that she had to be buried in a coffin that was square, rather than rectangular.

Sophia of Hanover had died only a few months before Anne. This meant that her son, George, became Anne’s heir. George was a full-blooded German, already quite old by 18th century standards when he took the throne (54 years old....he was, in fact, older than Anne by five years). He did not speak English, and never learned English fluently even after assuming the English throne in 1714. Additionally, he concerned himself primarily with Hanoverian issues, even after moving permanently to England.

When he died, his son, George II, took the throne. George II had also been born and raised in Germany, spoke German has his first language, and was so dismissive of English culture that he brought his own German court composer to England with him....a little somebody named George Frederick Handel. Apparently the English musicians weren’t good enough.

George II outlived his eldest son, so the throne passed to his grandson, George III. George III, of course, is the King George of American Revolution infamy.

The Georges were notoriously dismissive of the American colonies. The colonies had enjoyed relative peace with their parent country under Anne and the other Stuarts. But with the ascension of the heavy-handed and autocratic Hanoverians, the colonies began to develop unrest. Western expansion was limited in order to avoid wars with Native Americans, and this greatly upset many of the American colonists. Then heavy taxes began to be levied against the colonies, which ultimately led to things like the Boston Tea Party, the Intolerable Acts, and all the events leading up to the Revolution itself.

An argument, I believe, could be made that without the Hanoverians’ autocratic rule – particularly that of George III – the American Revolution would not have happened when and how it happened. It’s possible to even speculate that it wouldn’t have happened at all.

And of course, the worldwide changes in history just snowball from there.

Without the American Revolution in the 1770’s and ‘80’s, there would have been no French Revolution in the 1790’s. Without the French Revolution, there would have been no Napoleon, and no French Empire. Without the French Empire, not to mention the United States, all of 19th century history would have been altered. For instance, there would have been no Civil War. No Abe Lincoln.

Additionally, without the Hanoverians’ rise to power, there would have been no Queen Victoria, thus no Victorian Age in England, and all the effects Victoria had on her country and the world.

Without the loss of the American colonies, British expansion into South Africa and India may not have happened, or at least not on the same scale. Thus, all of the sordid history of British colonialism in Indian and South African is altered.

All the events causing and leading to World War I would have been wiped out. Without a World War I, you have no Russian Revolution, and thus no USSR, and you have no Hitler and no World War II. Without a USSR, you have no Cold War, and there is no United States to have a Cold War with anyway.

And without these major events, even individual lives would have been greatly changed. World events shape our lives, and even our very existences. Without the wars and upheavals to mix populations around, people would have married different spouses, had children at different times. Diseases may have spread differently around the population, altering the population trends from what we know today. It’s possible that history would have changed so much that no one alive today would be alive today...instead, there would be a whole different generation of people with a different world view, a different understanding of reality, and a different set of experiences.

Of course, different events would have occurred in place of the events that we know and study today. A United States-type country would have eventually evolved from the American colonies, for instance. But Spanish influence in North America may have been stronger, due to the absence of French influence, as well as the lack of an independent country in place on the mainland of the continent. Wars would have happened, but they would have been different wars, with different circumstances. Again, all these differences would have led to a completely different population set. You and I wouldn’t be here discussing this.

All the major events of western history over the last 300 years would have been inexorably changed, or negated all together, without the inability of Queen Anne to produce an heir.

In that sense, I believe it’s not unreasonable to say that Queen Anne’s womb is the most important thing in western history.