Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas With the Christmas Family

People always ask me: "What's Christmas like in the Christmas family?"

Okay, actually, I've never been asked that question in my life.  But I'm going to answer it anyway, with a pictorial history of the Christmas family at Christmas time.

The Louisville Courier-Journal ran an article sometime in the 1950's about my father's family.  The headline read "Christmas With The Christmases" and this was the picture that went with the article.  My father is the young lad in the center, holding his prized Christmas robot.  

My mother, with her grandfather, probably taken sometime before I was born.  In the box is a clitoral stimulator, which explains my great-grandfather's stern, yet curious, expression.  

I admit it.  I love nutcrackers, and I collect them.  This is a shot from a few years back, when they were arrayed atop the TV cabinet.  

I'm about 99% certain this isn't actually a picture taken at Christmas time, but rather, Thanksgiving.  Still, it's the Christmas family in Baptist party mode, circa 1985.  I'm pretty sure my grandmother is beseeching Jesus because my aunts were fighting again.  

Right after this picture was taken, I stood up and began singing O Tannenbaum.  Check out those sneakers, and that hi-tech TV!  Yes, that's a VCR on the top.  This is probably about 1987ish.

Merry Christmas from the Christmases, circa 1981.  My Dad got laid a lot.  Thankfully, that hideous couch was in my aunt's house.  Notice how pissed I am that I got clothes for Christmas.  

This is just to prove that yes, I did have hair as an adult.  This was Our First Christmas, 1997, in Our First Apartment.  I have absolutely no idea why there is a Rambo knife lying in the floor.  Oh wait, I was using it to commit suicide with before this picture was taken.  I'm not kidding when I say that the glasses I was wearing in this picture were just replaced about 2 months ago.  

Circa 2000ish at my parents' home in Texas.  My Dad still gets laid a lot.  My wife started looking for the Rambo knife after this picture was taken.  

My sister's Best Christmas Gift Ever.  Just revel in this picture for a while.  My grandmother is saying: "There's a black man on that shirt!"

According to the date on the picture, this was Christmas, 1956.  That's my mother, as a little boy, drunk.  

This was taken at my aunt's house, probably around 1990.  My mother was in her James Brown hair-do phase, while my aunt was doing her best to look older than my grandmother, and also, to look like she was having a bowel movement.

At my parents' house in Texas, about 2001.  My wife and I went down there with my sister for a 4-day weekend, and my sister was a complete and total neurotic bitch the entire time, and I wanted to pull the Rambo knife on her.  Happy Holidays!

Just revel in it.

This is about 1978, I would guess.  My cousin, dressed like one of the Brady's, is as happy about my truck and car set as I am.  My sister has been strangled to death.  

No, that's not me in the long john's.  That's my cousin - I think the same one as in the picture above.  Judging by my sister's age, and the well-formed lump hiding behind my mother's hands, this must have been Christmas 1974, right before I was born.  My Dad is behind the tree, looking like Warmed Over Death.

Merry Christmas honey, here's a fucking dishpan.  My guess is that this is about 1971 or so.  Why is my father always near plastic robots in Christmas pictures?  Is that the Tin-Man?  

Yeah, I was pretty much Kick Ass, rockin' the cowboy outfit.  

This is 2006, at my sister's house, right after a huge argument wherein my mother decided to throw out all the booze, upsetting my sister greatly.  Dad was passed out on the porch.  

This would have been 1973ish, well before my birth.  I remember playing with that hippo as a child.  I'm pretty sure I used scissors to cut a butthole for it.  

My sister's first Christmas, 1972.  She was born about 40 pounds.

1989ish.  Fortunately, I put some clothes on for this picture with my grandmother.  Yes, my jeans are tight-rolled.  Yes, I was a virgin.  

My youngest daughter, Christmas 2009, ordering up some weed for the festivities.  

Christmas 2010.  I don't think a single one of these toys has been around since roughly January, 2011.

My Dad, sporting the Man-Stache, and my Mom, sporting her 'Fro and holding my cousin's baby.  This is about 1988.  The honeymoon was definitely over.

Christmas Eve dinner, 1987.  I remember posing for this shot, trying to look goofy.  Not that the camo outfit required much help.

Obviously, the same Christmas.  Have just received a Swiss Army Knife.  My Mom is laughing because it was Swiss Army Knife number 2 for that Christmas.  Which was okay with me, because I was an army guy, and needed both.  

Christmas train set my Dad and I made to sit on top of our TV stand.  We later added snow and trees and shit.  I was pretty damn proud of this.  Circa 1989.  

Christmas in West Chester, Ohio, circa 1988, fake tree in the Family Room, live tree in the Living Room.  Dad with his photo-grays on.  Looks like a white Christmas out that window, eh?  

Same Christmas as above, different room.  Damn that light chain hanging down from the ceiling fan and ruining the postcard scene!  

In my mind, I was thinking: "Fucking pajamas."  But they were Transformer pajamas, which was pretty cool.  Yes, my Mom was wearing a full-length apron, even after dinner was over.  

Christmas, 2003, at my sister's house.  This was my sister's last Christmas, before she died of malnutrition.

And that, my friends, is Christmas With the Christmas Family.  Happy Hanukkah!


Anonymous said...

I love this post! What is strange is it all looks so familiar to me like I was there, too. You need to write the book!
-- Catnip

Trent N. said...

Tons of LOL moments in this post! Being close to your age, all of those pics reminded me of Christmas gone by for my family (yes, I tight rolled my jeans in 89' as well). Great post! Have a great Christmas!


Anonymous said...

Catnip texted me and told me to get online and look at your Christmas post. I was prepared for some tear-inducing tender memories. Instead I am CRYING with LAUGHTER. Good God! Did we ever take any GOOD photos at Christmas. I don't even know where to begin!

Why are you always dressed up as a cowboy or an Army Ranger? Why am I the only one not visible in the Thanksgiving picture at Springvale Drive, and did you check out those paper pumpkins!? In the picture from 1981, I look like I'm thinking that Dad should get the fuck away from me. Was I always a bad seed???

"Is that the tin man?" Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Did you really cut a butthole in my hippy hippo!? You bastard! I'm glad I broke your Transformer watch.

And, finally, why am always hugely over or underweight? I suck!

Happy Chreeeemas!

BC said...

I'm utterly speechless!

BC said...

The couch pic with Hippy and the other gifts was Christmas 1972 in Nurnberg, Germany. We later came home (Louisville) to visit and returned after New Years 1973.

Anonymous said...

I just realized that in the Christmas Eve Dinner 2007 pic where you are "trying" to look goofy, Mother and I are wearing identical facial expressions. I said to Kyle, "I never purse my lips like that!" He said, "Oh, yeah you do. At least three times a week!" Ha! Who knew? Have I really been doing that for 24 freaking years. OLD!

Deb Hickle said...

Loooove the pics...yes, I tightrolled my jeans too; No, I was not a virgin, of course, I was a GIRL!LOL

Deb Hickle

the Rev said...

I read this, on Christmas, and I'm about to type three letters I typically don't due to the lameness of abbrevs ... but LOL and then LOL some more! Did your daughter score weed off of a Bengal? Just wondering ... Hope this year was just as awesome as the previous ones you shared (though hope you either a) had pants on or b) that they weren't rolled.

Merry Christmas, Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Jennifer and I need to know if we are in some way responsible for creating some of your obvious deep seeded issues. We swear the wigs and dresses were just in good clean fun....

Scott said...

Glad everyone enjoyed the pictures. I think I'm going to start tight-rolling my jeans again.