For those of you who've known me for a while, you know that I have long named Michael Crichton as my favorite fiction writer. Indeed, he (along with George Orwell) was the author who got me interested in reading as a leisure activity as opposed to being primarily something I just had to do for school. Crichton's catalogue of novels was the first complete author catalogue that I ever completed (qualifying statement: I have not read any of the obscure medical thrillers he published in the 60's under a series of psuedonyms while in medical school, nor have I read any of his non-fiction books).
For years I have named Crichton's Sphere as my single favorite thriller novel, and I have read it two or three times. It also inspired one of my own early books, The Antarctic Incident. Other favorites include Jurassic Park, Timeline, and Congo.
In recent years, I've been disappointed with some of his novels, feeling that he is becoming increasingly interested in pushing certain socio-political agendas, and less interested in writing good thrillers. He's always tended to work cutting edge technology into his books...Andromeda Strain (published in the era of the Apollo missions to the moon), discussed concerns about satellites and spacecraft bringing extraterrestrial bacteria and viruses back to earth. Congo dealt with the gorillas who spoke sign language. And Jurassic Park, of course, dealt with DNA and genetic technology as it relates to paleontology. In the 1990's, his books have dealt with everything from Japanese corporate philosophy to reverse sexual harrassment to airline safety. Recently, he has written several books dealing with cutting edge genetic engineering issues.
Since Jurassic Park (published in 1989...I think I first read it in about 1994), I have felt that his books have been steadily declining in thriller quality, and increasing in preachiness.
Rising Sun was a good murder mystery, but also had a flavor of anti-Japanese sentiment, painting the Japanese as cutthroat corporate monsters intent on controlling American interests.
Disclosure was hardly a thriller at all, and was more a treatise on how the women's liberation movement has demonized men and allowed women rise into positions of power that they aren't necessarily worthy of holding.
The Lost World was entertaining, but it was basically a watered-down rehash of Jurassic Park, complete with another scene where a vehicle goes over an embankment and gets caught in a tree.
Airframe, like Disclosure, was hardly a thriller at all, and dealt with the wiles of the airline industry. This has always been the only Crichton book that I said I flat out didn't particularly like. I thought it was boring, and the resolution of the plot was very predictable and unexciting. Basically, the main characters were trying to figure out what had caused an in-flight incident in which an airline experienced severe turbulence, causing the deaths of several passengers. At the very beginning of the book, the investigators suggest it was due to a certain action or inaction on the part of the pilot. They then spend the entire book trying to figure it out and, sure enough, in the end, it was exactly what they had predicted from the outset. It was just a silly ending, with no sense of drama, and it was sort of a boring subject.
Another odd and perplexing aspect of this book was that the background story was basically a carbon copy of the background story in Disclosure. In Disclosure, you have a story about a woman who sexually harrasses a man in a business setting. The background is that they work for a small company who has just developed a break-through technology which promises to push them into the mainstream and make them a viable competitor against the larger corporations. As a result of this new product, the larger corporations are trying to undermine it and prove that it somehow doesn't work the way the it is advertised to work.
In Airframe, the exact same background story exists. Small company with a cutting edge product that promises to push them into the big markets. Big companies trying to undermine their new technology and prove that it doesn't work like they say. In Disclosure, it's a couple of computer companies and the new technology is some sort of hard drive. In Airframe it's two airframe companies and a new type of aircraft. But otherwise, it's the exact same scenario.
At time of its publication (1996), I felt that Crichton had been more interested in cashing in on the public interest in airline safety issues (that was during the time when there were two or three major airline disasters in the U.S. within a period of just a few months), than he was in writing a good thriller novel. This was exacerbated by the fact that he damn near plagiarizes his own work by setting up a background scenario that is more or less identical to Disclosure. It's like he just wanted to get the book written and on the market, in order to cash in on the public conern about airline safety. I felt like he had "sold out" big time.
Timeline was a refreshing change after a series of what I felt had been subpar Crichton books, and especially after the debacle of Airframe. I enjoyed Timeline, and thought that Crichton did a good job of mixing cutting edge technology with a good story, much as he had done with Jurassic Park. I felt that "Crichton was back," so to speak.
Unfortunately, it only lasted for one book. Prey was another subpar performance, and although I didn't feel like he was necessarily trying to push any socio-political agenda in that book, as he had in Rising Sun and Disclosure, I felt that Prey simply failed as an attempt to write another cutting edge technology thriller in the vein of Jurassic Park and Timeline. I thought it was a little too "out there" to be believable. At the time, I remember thinking that the only reason it had been an entertaining read at all is simply because Crichton is a great writer, and writes with such a readable style.
Then came State of Fear in 2004, and this was the book that first started really opening my eyes to the general depravity of Michael Crichton's agendas. When I first read the dust cover of State of Fear, I was really excited, because I thought it sounded like it would be another great novel combining good thriller elements with cutting edge technology. Instead, it proved to be another Prey in terms of the quality of the thriller elements. In addition to not being a very good thriller, it was overrun with an obvious attempt to paint global warming advocates as hopeless, hypocritical "limosine liberals" (he even used that term in the book) who ignore established scientific studies in the effort to push their self-serving agendas.
In an Afterword to the novel, he tries to deflect criticism by saying that his characters don't necessarily reflect his own views, and he studied all sorts of reports and books and articles in preparing for this novel, etc., etc. He basically tries to make it sound like he is personally taking a neutral position, and it's up to you, the reader, to make an informed decision. Yet, the tone of the entire novel makes his own agenda quite clear. It is obvious what his position is on the global warming debate, just as it was obvious what his position was on the airline industry debate, the Japanese corporate takeover debate, and the reverse sexual harassment debate.
Prior to State of Fear, I had continued calling myself a Crichton fan, and I had even continued to generally say Crichton was my favoriate author, but I did so reluctantly, and more out of a sense of nostalgia or duty for how much I had enjoyed his earlier novels, rather than out of a sense that he was truly my favorite author. Fact is, Since Jurassic Park in 1989, Timeline is the only book he's written that I feel is really "top notch."
After State of Fear, I began to get really suspicious of Crichton's agendas, and I began, for the first time, to really contemplate some of the agendas he had pushed in earlier novels (such as Rising Sun and Disclosure). When I first read those books in college, I was too young and naive to read between the lines. Now, upon reflection, I can see the anti-feminine bias in Disclosure, and the anti-Japanese bias in Rising Sun.
Crichton's newest novel, Next, was just released on Tuesday. It apparently involves the issue of genetic testing, cloning, harvesting embryos, etc. The dust flap says, in part, "Next challenges our sense of reality and notions of morality...Next shatters our assumptions, and reveals shocking new choices where we least expect."
Judging from his record in his past novels, I'm not sure I'm interested in Michael Crichton's opinions on my notion of morality, nor on his opinion about cloning and it's ethical considerations. Reading the reader comments on Barnes & Noble's website, I see that several posters have stated that it is full of Crichton's political agendas. One reviewer says "I read the book for the book's sake. Leave the politics out of it. Grow up." It seems clear that Crichton is continuing to push his neo-con agendas in this book.
Additionally, as a result of reading some of the reader comments, I have discovered that Crichton has apparently consulted as a "science advisor" for George W. Bush on at least one occasion.
It's as if all the pieces of the puzzle are finally falling into place.
So I won't be reading Michael Crichton's books anymore. I will still feel nostaligic about his older books, and I will still occasionally re-read the older books that are free of political commentary and are just good techno-thrillers (I re-read Congo earlier this fall, for instance). But I'm not going to buy anymore of his new novels, and I'm not going to tell people he's among my favorite authors anymore (after State of Fear, I had finally stopped calling him my "favorite" author, but was still listing him among my favorites). I have removed his website link from my blog, and I have removed his name from my list of "favorite authors." I just simply can't bring myself to promote an author who is basically a neo-con. Particularly when his books aren't even that entertaining anymore, and haven't been for 17 years. I do still list Jurassic Park and Sphere as "Must Read" books on my blog, but that's because I can still respect those books for the great thrillers that they are.
I could live with Crichton being a neo-con if he was still writing books like Sphere and Jurassic Park. But if he's going to bring his neo-con views into his books, as a means of preaching and politicizing, he can forget about getting anymore money and support from me.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Get Crackin'
I can’t remember if it was Monday night or Tuesday morning, but on one of those two occasions, I was taking Katie out to use the bathroom. As I was walking out the door, I either heard something, or said something, or had some train of thought that reminded me of a phrase from a Golden Girls episode. (I think, actually, that I was saying something to Hailey, and whatever I was saying sparked the memory...so it must have been Monday night.)
The episode in question has a side plot where Rose has borrowed Blanche’s earrings, and Blanche now can’t find them, so Rose believes she must have lost the earrings. To make it up to her, Rose offers to be her “Wiedenfloeggen” (which, of course, is a made-up Scandinavian word), which is basically where you become someone’s slave in order to pay them back for something you’ve done wrong. Throughout the episode, Rose is waiting on Blanche hand and foot, and Blanche is generally taking advantage of it, asking Rose to wash her car and make her meals and organize her closet, etc., etc.
Near the end of the episode, a man comes to the house, returning Blanche’s earrings and watch, which he found between the cushions of his couch. Turns out, Blanche had lost them there when they had been on a date. Rose is naturally upset, not only because Blanche had lost her own earrings, but particularly because the watch was Rose's, not Blanche’s, and Rose hadn’t even known Blanche had borrowed it. She tells Blanche off, and then Blanche is forced to apologize and butter Rose up to get her to forgive her for treating her like a slave when Rose hadn't actually done anything wrong in the first place. Rose finally gives in and forgives her.
About this time, Dorothy comes in and is really upset because one of her favorite students is being deported back to Mexico. Blanche and Rose console her, and Rose tells her to go lay down, promising to baby her and rub her feet and make cookies for her and basically pamper her for the rest of the day. Dorothy is thankful and leaves to go lie down. Then, as the “final gag” for the episode, Rose, who has up to now been acting motherly and loving toward Dorothy, turns with a stern face to Blanche and says, “You heard her, Blanche. Get crackin’.” And thus the episode ends on a laugh.
Anyway, to make a long story short (all together now, “Too late”), that final phrase “Get crackin’” is what I randomly thought of as I was walking out the back door to take Katie out. Again, I think it was based on something I was saying to Hailey, and I remember walking out onto the porch thinking the phrase to myself, and thinking about that episode. “Get crackin’.”
Melanie and I used to watch the Golden Girls all the time, as many of you (haha...looky there, I said “many of you,” as if anyone other than possibly my sister is reading this)....anyway....as many of you know, Melanie and I used to watch the Golden Girls all the time. It was on for an hour from 5:00 to 6:00 in the evenings, and then again from 11:00 to 12:00. It was also on from 12:00 to 1:00 in the afternoon. We frequently watched it during dinner and at night before bed. We’ve both seen every episode numerous times. However, in recent years, we haven’t watched it as much, and Lifetime only shows it (to my knowledge) for 30 minutes a day now, usually from 12:00 to 12:30, or 12:30 to 1:00. That happens to correspond with the time I’m usually home at lunch, so sometimes I will watch it while I’m eating. However, I’ve only recently discovered this, and I probably haven’t watched more than 3 or 4 episodes, and I don’t think I’ve seen any of them in their entirety. In fact, I’d say that I probably haven’t seen more than 8 or 9 episodes of the Golden Girls in the last couple of years, and I can’t remember the last time I saw the episode described above. Indeed, the fact that the final phrase from that episode (“Get crackin’”) popped into my head at all is evidence of how the brain manages to hang on to random memories without you evening knowing it, and then later call them up at seemingly unusual and random times.
Anyway. So I have this random memory, on either Monday night or Tuesday morning, of this Golden Girls episode that I haven’t seen or even thought about in years. Then, at lunch on Tuesday, I make myself some soup and sit down at about 12:15, flipping the channel to Lifetime to see if the Golden Girls are on. Sure enough, they’re on. And which episode is it?
You guessed it.
The episode in question has a side plot where Rose has borrowed Blanche’s earrings, and Blanche now can’t find them, so Rose believes she must have lost the earrings. To make it up to her, Rose offers to be her “Wiedenfloeggen” (which, of course, is a made-up Scandinavian word), which is basically where you become someone’s slave in order to pay them back for something you’ve done wrong. Throughout the episode, Rose is waiting on Blanche hand and foot, and Blanche is generally taking advantage of it, asking Rose to wash her car and make her meals and organize her closet, etc., etc.
Near the end of the episode, a man comes to the house, returning Blanche’s earrings and watch, which he found between the cushions of his couch. Turns out, Blanche had lost them there when they had been on a date. Rose is naturally upset, not only because Blanche had lost her own earrings, but particularly because the watch was Rose's, not Blanche’s, and Rose hadn’t even known Blanche had borrowed it. She tells Blanche off, and then Blanche is forced to apologize and butter Rose up to get her to forgive her for treating her like a slave when Rose hadn't actually done anything wrong in the first place. Rose finally gives in and forgives her.
About this time, Dorothy comes in and is really upset because one of her favorite students is being deported back to Mexico. Blanche and Rose console her, and Rose tells her to go lay down, promising to baby her and rub her feet and make cookies for her and basically pamper her for the rest of the day. Dorothy is thankful and leaves to go lie down. Then, as the “final gag” for the episode, Rose, who has up to now been acting motherly and loving toward Dorothy, turns with a stern face to Blanche and says, “You heard her, Blanche. Get crackin’.” And thus the episode ends on a laugh.
Anyway, to make a long story short (all together now, “Too late”), that final phrase “Get crackin’” is what I randomly thought of as I was walking out the back door to take Katie out. Again, I think it was based on something I was saying to Hailey, and I remember walking out onto the porch thinking the phrase to myself, and thinking about that episode. “Get crackin’.”
Melanie and I used to watch the Golden Girls all the time, as many of you (haha...looky there, I said “many of you,” as if anyone other than possibly my sister is reading this)....anyway....as many of you know, Melanie and I used to watch the Golden Girls all the time. It was on for an hour from 5:00 to 6:00 in the evenings, and then again from 11:00 to 12:00. It was also on from 12:00 to 1:00 in the afternoon. We frequently watched it during dinner and at night before bed. We’ve both seen every episode numerous times. However, in recent years, we haven’t watched it as much, and Lifetime only shows it (to my knowledge) for 30 minutes a day now, usually from 12:00 to 12:30, or 12:30 to 1:00. That happens to correspond with the time I’m usually home at lunch, so sometimes I will watch it while I’m eating. However, I’ve only recently discovered this, and I probably haven’t watched more than 3 or 4 episodes, and I don’t think I’ve seen any of them in their entirety. In fact, I’d say that I probably haven’t seen more than 8 or 9 episodes of the Golden Girls in the last couple of years, and I can’t remember the last time I saw the episode described above. Indeed, the fact that the final phrase from that episode (“Get crackin’”) popped into my head at all is evidence of how the brain manages to hang on to random memories without you evening knowing it, and then later call them up at seemingly unusual and random times.
Anyway. So I have this random memory, on either Monday night or Tuesday morning, of this Golden Girls episode that I haven’t seen or even thought about in years. Then, at lunch on Tuesday, I make myself some soup and sit down at about 12:15, flipping the channel to Lifetime to see if the Golden Girls are on. Sure enough, they’re on. And which episode is it?
You guessed it.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
New Car
Melanie and I have been discussing with her parents the possibility of us buying their car. It's a 2003 Altima with only about 42,000 miles on it. It's in really good condition.
They only owe about $6,000 on it, and it's worth nearly $12,000 at blue book. Since Joan now has her father's Cadillac, she is going to use that car, and that's why they are willing to sell the Altima to us.
I still owe about $4,700 on my Corrola. It's blue book is less than that. Melanie has talked to a used car dealer here in town, who told her over the phone that he'd probably be able to give us $2,000 for it.
So what we are planning on doing is getting a loan from Emery (our credit union in Cincinnati that we are still members of), and using that loan to pay off the remainder of my Corrola, as well as to buy the Altima. So it would be a loan for about $11,000. Then, I could sell the Corrola and use the money I make from selling it to either put towards the Emery loan, or use to help pay down our credit cards, or put some in the bank, etc.
When we first bought out the lease on this Corrola, it was about $12,000, and the payment is only $205.00 per month. So, depending on what interest rate we could get, it's possible that I will be able to get a 2003 Altima with only 42,000 miles on it, for about 220 bucks a month or less.
This would be a big relief, as it would allow us to get out from underneath this Corrola, which has become unreliable and more of a liability than anything else, and it would give us a full-size car for the first time in our marriage. And we could potentially do this without having to significantly increase our monthly expenses, or come up with a down payment (neither of which we could possibly do otherwise).
So hopefully we will be able to get the loan from Emery (currently, both our car loans are through Emery and are current, we have been members there for almost 10 years, and we've had a previous loan that has been paid in full, on time). So I don't see any problem getting the loan. Not sure about the interest rate, but hopefully it will be okay, so as to give us a reasonable monthly payment.
If we can do this, it will be a BIG relief of something that has been causing me quite a bit of stress lately.
They only owe about $6,000 on it, and it's worth nearly $12,000 at blue book. Since Joan now has her father's Cadillac, she is going to use that car, and that's why they are willing to sell the Altima to us.
I still owe about $4,700 on my Corrola. It's blue book is less than that. Melanie has talked to a used car dealer here in town, who told her over the phone that he'd probably be able to give us $2,000 for it.
So what we are planning on doing is getting a loan from Emery (our credit union in Cincinnati that we are still members of), and using that loan to pay off the remainder of my Corrola, as well as to buy the Altima. So it would be a loan for about $11,000. Then, I could sell the Corrola and use the money I make from selling it to either put towards the Emery loan, or use to help pay down our credit cards, or put some in the bank, etc.
When we first bought out the lease on this Corrola, it was about $12,000, and the payment is only $205.00 per month. So, depending on what interest rate we could get, it's possible that I will be able to get a 2003 Altima with only 42,000 miles on it, for about 220 bucks a month or less.
This would be a big relief, as it would allow us to get out from underneath this Corrola, which has become unreliable and more of a liability than anything else, and it would give us a full-size car for the first time in our marriage. And we could potentially do this without having to significantly increase our monthly expenses, or come up with a down payment (neither of which we could possibly do otherwise).
So hopefully we will be able to get the loan from Emery (currently, both our car loans are through Emery and are current, we have been members there for almost 10 years, and we've had a previous loan that has been paid in full, on time). So I don't see any problem getting the loan. Not sure about the interest rate, but hopefully it will be okay, so as to give us a reasonable monthly payment.
If we can do this, it will be a BIG relief of something that has been causing me quite a bit of stress lately.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Agitated Rambling
I really wish that I could make most of my posts fit the title of this blog, but unfortunately, most of what I write here is neither serene, nor lighthearted enough to be considered a "musing." Thus, I've named this post "Agitated Rambling," because that's what it's going to be.
Sydney’s been sick for two weeks. It started as a really croupy cough with a fever. We took her to the doctor and they said she was "in distress" and gave her a breathing treatment in the office. We had just expected it to be a cold or something. We had to buy a nebulizer and give her breathing treatments every three or four hours. They said the respiratory issue was viral, not bacterial, so they didn’t give her any antibiotics. She seemed to be getting better after about 5 days, but then she relapsed and we ended up taking her to the emergency room on a Sunday night, fearing she had developed pneumonia. Turns out she didn’t have pneumonia, but she had developed an ear infection. They gave her amoxicillin, which we all know is an utterly useless antibiotic. By the following Friday, she was running a high fever again and coughing a lot again. We came home early from Thanksgiving and took her to the doctor again. This time, they gave her a stronger antibiotic. The next day (yesterday...Sunday), she had three bowel movements that all had blood in them. So we had to take her off of it. However, today, the nurse at the doctor’s office told us to keep her on it, but make sure she has plenty of food with it.
So today is day 13 of this illness. She hasn’t slept very well at all, she has been crying a lot (which she doesn’t normally do), and Melanie and I are really at our wit’s end. It’s very hard having a child sick for this long. Hailey, of course, was sick all the time when she was an infant too...she had an ear infection for almost 2 solid months. But Melanie wasn’t working at that time. Now, we’re both working, so sleep is important for both of us.
Then there’s the normal money issues...blah blah blah blah blah. It’s like throwing a person who can’t swim into the deep end of the pool. We’re just dog paddling like crazy, sinking, gulping down water, then surfacing momentarily and coughing the water up, gasping, and then sinking again, trying like hell to reach the side of the pool, but unable to get there because every time we make some forward progress, someone splashes up a big wave that pushes us back toward the middle.
The check engine light came on in my car last week, and we had to spend 100 dollars for the dealer to tell us what the problem was. We didn’t get the work done, because it cost too much money, but we still had to spend the 100-dollar diagnostic fee. The very next day after my check engine light came on, I noticed Melanie’s brakes grinding. So we had to spend 146 dollars getting her brakes fixed. THEN, this morning, her CAR WOULDN’T START. I had to get out of the shower, and fortunately when I went out there, I was able to get it to start by letting the engine turn and turn and turn. Don’t know why that happened, but it seems fine now. Sheesh. How many more things can go wrong?
I know, I know. Cry me a river and play the violin. I could be starving and homeless in Angola.
Sydney’s been sick for two weeks. It started as a really croupy cough with a fever. We took her to the doctor and they said she was "in distress" and gave her a breathing treatment in the office. We had just expected it to be a cold or something. We had to buy a nebulizer and give her breathing treatments every three or four hours. They said the respiratory issue was viral, not bacterial, so they didn’t give her any antibiotics. She seemed to be getting better after about 5 days, but then she relapsed and we ended up taking her to the emergency room on a Sunday night, fearing she had developed pneumonia. Turns out she didn’t have pneumonia, but she had developed an ear infection. They gave her amoxicillin, which we all know is an utterly useless antibiotic. By the following Friday, she was running a high fever again and coughing a lot again. We came home early from Thanksgiving and took her to the doctor again. This time, they gave her a stronger antibiotic. The next day (yesterday...Sunday), she had three bowel movements that all had blood in them. So we had to take her off of it. However, today, the nurse at the doctor’s office told us to keep her on it, but make sure she has plenty of food with it.
So today is day 13 of this illness. She hasn’t slept very well at all, she has been crying a lot (which she doesn’t normally do), and Melanie and I are really at our wit’s end. It’s very hard having a child sick for this long. Hailey, of course, was sick all the time when she was an infant too...she had an ear infection for almost 2 solid months. But Melanie wasn’t working at that time. Now, we’re both working, so sleep is important for both of us.
Then there’s the normal money issues...blah blah blah blah blah. It’s like throwing a person who can’t swim into the deep end of the pool. We’re just dog paddling like crazy, sinking, gulping down water, then surfacing momentarily and coughing the water up, gasping, and then sinking again, trying like hell to reach the side of the pool, but unable to get there because every time we make some forward progress, someone splashes up a big wave that pushes us back toward the middle.
The check engine light came on in my car last week, and we had to spend 100 dollars for the dealer to tell us what the problem was. We didn’t get the work done, because it cost too much money, but we still had to spend the 100-dollar diagnostic fee. The very next day after my check engine light came on, I noticed Melanie’s brakes grinding. So we had to spend 146 dollars getting her brakes fixed. THEN, this morning, her CAR WOULDN’T START. I had to get out of the shower, and fortunately when I went out there, I was able to get it to start by letting the engine turn and turn and turn. Don’t know why that happened, but it seems fine now. Sheesh. How many more things can go wrong?
I know, I know. Cry me a river and play the violin. I could be starving and homeless in Angola.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Dreams of Drinking
I dreamed last night that I was drinking. I've read before about drug users who are going through rehab who will have dreams where they are using drugs and getting high, etc. However, I've never had such a dream relating to drinking alcohol when I've been going through a "sober" period, as I am right now. But last night, I dreamed me and some other people were at a mall and they were giving away free beer at the mall. It didn't even cross my mind that I shouldn't be taking advantage of such an offer.
So I was drinking beer, and when I ordered a round for everyone I was with, the lady serving me wanted to charge me $28 for four beers. I informed her that I was taking advantage of the free beer offer, and she seemed put out by that, and told me she was going to have to fill out some paperwork. So while she headed to the back to grab the paperwork, me and the people I was with just left. Dad among the group I was with, but he didn't want his beer, so I took it.
Later, I was sitting in a restaurant booth, talking to a really ugly girl whose face must have been made up in my dream because I don't know who she is. I was sipping my beer while she talked about how offended she was that some woman had asked her if she was on her period.
After that, I was back in the mall, and everyone was crowding around all the computer stores, hoping to buy the new Playstation III. It suddenly dawned on me that I had been drinking beer, and I couldn't believe that I had just so easily thrown aside my sobriety. But, I figured what was done was done, so I kept drinking.
Then I woke up.
One might think that this dream would make me want to drink. But it seems to have had the opposite effect. I remember how I felt in the dream when I realized that I had been drinking, and I definitely don't want to feel that way in real life.
So I was drinking beer, and when I ordered a round for everyone I was with, the lady serving me wanted to charge me $28 for four beers. I informed her that I was taking advantage of the free beer offer, and she seemed put out by that, and told me she was going to have to fill out some paperwork. So while she headed to the back to grab the paperwork, me and the people I was with just left. Dad among the group I was with, but he didn't want his beer, so I took it.
Later, I was sitting in a restaurant booth, talking to a really ugly girl whose face must have been made up in my dream because I don't know who she is. I was sipping my beer while she talked about how offended she was that some woman had asked her if she was on her period.
After that, I was back in the mall, and everyone was crowding around all the computer stores, hoping to buy the new Playstation III. It suddenly dawned on me that I had been drinking beer, and I couldn't believe that I had just so easily thrown aside my sobriety. But, I figured what was done was done, so I kept drinking.
Then I woke up.
One might think that this dream would make me want to drink. But it seems to have had the opposite effect. I remember how I felt in the dream when I realized that I had been drinking, and I definitely don't want to feel that way in real life.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Daily Update
Well, Rummy is finally gone. Good riddance to the son of a bitch. Don't know anything about his replacement, but let's hope he's not the douchebag Rummy was.
In answering questions, Bush actually ADMITTED that he lied last week to reporters when asked if Rummy would be replaced. He said he lied in order to get them to move on to the next question! Sheesh.
Anyway, here's today's Daily Update, which just happens to be the longest one I've ever done. But it's well worth the read. Enjoy!
Weight: 225
Currently Reading (fiction): Warlock, Wilbur Smith. This is the second book of the Ancient Egypt series. Actually, it’s the third book, but the second book is set in modern times, and centers on an archaeological search for the burial chamber of the pharaoh who is buried in the first book. So it’s a sequel, but not really. Thus, in re-reading this series, I skipped the second book and went right on to Warlock, which picks up a few years after the end of River God (the first book). After I finish Warlock, I will go back and re-read the second book (The Seventh Scroll), which I have long considered to be the best of the three books. It was, in fact, the book that partially inspired my own book, The Fourth Sign of the Falcon.
Currently Reading (non-fiction): The Tao of Sobriety. Can’t remember the authors’ names, but they are two PhD’s. This is a really good book that is offering some valuable meditative exercises for overcoming addictive behaviors. One of the first teachings is learning to understand the innate “innocence” of ourselves, and learning to let go of useless feelings of regret and guilt.
Currently Listening To: Coast of Carolina, Jimmy Buffett.
Rush Lyric of the Day: Who can face the knowledge that the truth is not the truth?
New Buffett Album Update: Take the Weather With You is a GREAT album. It has grown on me. I said at the time (2003) that Far Side of the World was Buffett’s best album since 1986’s Floridays. But even Far Side of the World had a few “filler” songs on it that I could give or take. In fact, I’d say that every Buffett album since Floridays has had at least one or two “filler” songs. However, with Take the Weather With You, I honestly don’t think there is a single bad song on it. It is solid from beginning to end. Here’s a detailed run down, with my ranking at the end of each blurb (10/10 would be a song like Brahma Fear or Migration...5/10 would be a song like Makin’ Music For Money...1/10 would be a song like Math Sux):
1) Bama Breeze – Yes, it’s a total sell-out song, written by big time Nashville songwriters, recorded for the sole purpose of having a “hit song” off the album in order to generate sales. However, it’s still a catchy country song and enjoyable to listen to. 7/10 (probably would give it an 8/10, but the lyrical style reminds me too much of something Kenny Chesney or Toby Keith would sing).
2) Party at the End of the World – One of the few on the album that Buffett had a hand in writing. A good song, centered around a trip that Buffett took to Ushuaia, in the southernmost area of South America (Tierra del Fuego...near the Arctic circle). 6/10
3) Weather With You – Title song of the album, written by a New Zealander who is a featured artist, strangely enough, on one of Hailey’s Wiggles Albums. A great groove, especially on the chorus. 8/10
4) Everybody’s On the Phone – Another written partially by Buffett, talking about how everyone “salutes the satellite.” Reminds me, in terms of the music, of Lady I Can’t Explain, from the Volcano album. 7/10.
5) Whoop De Doo – Despite the name, an excellent ballad song. Written by Mark Knopfler, who also plays guitar on the song. 9/10.
6) Nothin’ But a Breeze – Written by Jesse Winchester, the same singer/songwriter who wrote L’air De La Louisiane and Defying Gravity. An upbeat song with clever lyrics. 8/10
7) Cinco de Mayo in Memphis – A good song with an interesting mix of calypso, traditional Spanish sound, and mariachi. 6/10.
8) Reggabilly Hill – A soothing song with a very pleasing sound. Nice and laid back. 7/10.
9) Elvis Presley Blues – A song about Elvis’s life and death, with a rockabilly sound. 5/10.
10) Hula Girl at Heart – A nice Caribbean sound. Good beach song. 6/10.
11) Wheel Inside the Wheel – A little more edgy than the others, probably the only one on the album that I would say comes close to being “filler,” but still out performs any of the “filler” songs on his albums of the last 10 years, and it’s not a song that requires skipping on a regular basis. The only major complaint about this one is that he does the “speak/sing” thing on the verses, where he’s half speaking, half singing, and I don’t particularly care for that. But he makes up for it with a very good chorus. 4/10 (mainly because of the spoken verses...the chorus, if judged alone, would probably get a 7/10).
12) Silver Wings – An old Merle Haggard song. A nice “Solid Gold” country sound, with a little Buffett-esque steel drum to boot. 7/10.
13) Breath In, Breath Out, Move On – Co-written by Buffett, and in competition with Whoop De Doo for the best song on the album. It’s a song about the destruction of New Orleans by Katrina. 9.5/10
14) Duke’s On Sunday – A song with the same kind of laid back beach sound as Hula Girl at Heart. 7/10
Election Update: Lexington re-elected Ben Chandler, who had been the only Democrat from Kentucky in Washington (our 2 Senators, and the other five members of the House, were all Republicans). However, Louisville ousted one of their Republican members of the House, in favor of a Democrat, so we know have two Democrats in Washington. Louisville also re-elected its Democratic mayor, Jerry Abramson, for a 950th term (he’s been mayor of Louisville since about 1732). Lexington, unfortunately, voted out its mayor, who was a liberal, in favor of a more conservative candidate. Lexington’s mayoral race is non-partisan, but everyone generally knows which parties the candidates are affiliated with.
School Update: Everything is still going really well with school. I had another presentation last night, which I felt went pretty well, and I also had a test, which I also think I did fine on. So far, we’ve only had two grades in that class...our first two tests...and I’ve gotten 100% on both. I still haven’t gotten anything less than a 98% on anything I’ve done in any class. And the two tests that I got 98’s on (both in Medical Terminology) both had words on them that we had not gone over in class, and that is why I got them wrong (she tells us that we don’t have to know anything that we don’t go over in class, and then she forgets to go over some words that are on the test, and then despite the majority of the class missing the words and telling her that she didn’t go over them, she refuses not to count off for them....But, oh well). The only reason is bothers me is because there are other people in the class who may not be making A’s, and those words could be the difference between an A and a B, or even between passing and failing.
Today in History, November 8:
35 – Birth of Roman Emperor Nerva.
1519 – Cortez enters the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan and is heralded as a god.
1656 – Birth of Edmund Halley, who predicted the return of the comet that would eventually bear his name.
1861 – The Trent Affair occurs, after a Union ship stops and detains a U.K. mail ship carrying two Confederate envoys. They detain the envoys before allowing the ship to continue on to England. It sparks a diplomatic crisis between the U.S. and U.K., and nearly brings the U.K. into the Civil War on the side of the Confederates. However, Prince Albert, sick with typhoid and only weeks away from death, intervenes, stopping a belligerent ultimatum that was to be sent to the U.S. demanding an apology, and rewrites it, softening the wording. This action ultimately helps the U.S. and U.K. to avoid war, and may have played an important role in changing the entire outcome of the future of the U.S. (they may likely have lost the Civil War if forced to fight England as well as the CSA). It was to be the last official act of Prince Albert, before succumbing to typhoid.
1864 – Abraham Lincoln wins re-election over George McClellan. McClellan, a former Union general, was nominated on a peace platform, even though he personally supported the war. This election was the first time in history that a democratic election for a head of state was held during an active war. Lincoln won in a landslide in the electoral college, and won 55% of the popular vote. McClellan won only the states of Kentucky, New Jersey (his home state), and Delaware.
1887 – Death of Doc Holliday, from tuberculosis.
1892 – Grover Cleveland wins the presidential election, becoming the first an only president in U.S. history to serve non-consecutive terms as president. An interesting side note is that despite being a president of the United States in the 19th century, his son just died in the 1990’s. During his first term, he had married a woman nearly 30 years younger than him, and they had a number of children. The last, a son, was born in 1903 and lived until 1995. Cleveland still has a number of living grandchildren. His most famous child, Baby Ruth (who was born to much fanfare while he was in office, and for whom the candy bar was later named), was a sickly child who ended up dying at the age of 12.
1895 – The Father of Radiology, Wilhelm Roentgen, discovers X-rays, paving the way for my chosen career path 111 years later.
1923 – Adolph Hitler leads the Bier Hall Putsch in Munich, Germany, in what would prove to be a failed effort to overthrown the German government.
1939 – Adolph Hitler narrowly avoids an assassination attempt while celebrating the anniversary of the Bier Hall Putsch.
1942 – Allied troops land in North Africa, beginning Operation Torch. This operation plays a role in my most recent short story, which is posted on The Writing Desk. The main character’s beau is killed during the initial invasion.
1950 – The first jet-to-jet dogfight in history occurs, with U.S. pilot Russell Brown shooting down two North Korean MiGs.
1952 – Birth of John Denny, the pitcher who gave up the first major league hit to my childhood Redbirds hero, Jeff Doyle.
1971 – Led Zeppelin IV is released, an album which includes the song Stairway to Heaven.
1978 – Death of Norman Rockwell, at the age of 215. He had first gained fame as the painter who helped win the Revolutionary War. Afterwards, he began painting warm scenes of Americana.
2003 – Birth of Lady Louise Windsor, daughter of Prince Edward, and 8th in line for the British throne.
2006 - The Republicans LOSE!!!!!!!
In answering questions, Bush actually ADMITTED that he lied last week to reporters when asked if Rummy would be replaced. He said he lied in order to get them to move on to the next question! Sheesh.
Anyway, here's today's Daily Update, which just happens to be the longest one I've ever done. But it's well worth the read. Enjoy!
Weight: 225
Currently Reading (fiction): Warlock, Wilbur Smith. This is the second book of the Ancient Egypt series. Actually, it’s the third book, but the second book is set in modern times, and centers on an archaeological search for the burial chamber of the pharaoh who is buried in the first book. So it’s a sequel, but not really. Thus, in re-reading this series, I skipped the second book and went right on to Warlock, which picks up a few years after the end of River God (the first book). After I finish Warlock, I will go back and re-read the second book (The Seventh Scroll), which I have long considered to be the best of the three books. It was, in fact, the book that partially inspired my own book, The Fourth Sign of the Falcon.
Currently Reading (non-fiction): The Tao of Sobriety. Can’t remember the authors’ names, but they are two PhD’s. This is a really good book that is offering some valuable meditative exercises for overcoming addictive behaviors. One of the first teachings is learning to understand the innate “innocence” of ourselves, and learning to let go of useless feelings of regret and guilt.
Currently Listening To: Coast of Carolina, Jimmy Buffett.
Rush Lyric of the Day: Who can face the knowledge that the truth is not the truth?
New Buffett Album Update: Take the Weather With You is a GREAT album. It has grown on me. I said at the time (2003) that Far Side of the World was Buffett’s best album since 1986’s Floridays. But even Far Side of the World had a few “filler” songs on it that I could give or take. In fact, I’d say that every Buffett album since Floridays has had at least one or two “filler” songs. However, with Take the Weather With You, I honestly don’t think there is a single bad song on it. It is solid from beginning to end. Here’s a detailed run down, with my ranking at the end of each blurb (10/10 would be a song like Brahma Fear or Migration...5/10 would be a song like Makin’ Music For Money...1/10 would be a song like Math Sux):
1) Bama Breeze – Yes, it’s a total sell-out song, written by big time Nashville songwriters, recorded for the sole purpose of having a “hit song” off the album in order to generate sales. However, it’s still a catchy country song and enjoyable to listen to. 7/10 (probably would give it an 8/10, but the lyrical style reminds me too much of something Kenny Chesney or Toby Keith would sing).
2) Party at the End of the World – One of the few on the album that Buffett had a hand in writing. A good song, centered around a trip that Buffett took to Ushuaia, in the southernmost area of South America (Tierra del Fuego...near the Arctic circle). 6/10
3) Weather With You – Title song of the album, written by a New Zealander who is a featured artist, strangely enough, on one of Hailey’s Wiggles Albums. A great groove, especially on the chorus. 8/10
4) Everybody’s On the Phone – Another written partially by Buffett, talking about how everyone “salutes the satellite.” Reminds me, in terms of the music, of Lady I Can’t Explain, from the Volcano album. 7/10.
5) Whoop De Doo – Despite the name, an excellent ballad song. Written by Mark Knopfler, who also plays guitar on the song. 9/10.
6) Nothin’ But a Breeze – Written by Jesse Winchester, the same singer/songwriter who wrote L’air De La Louisiane and Defying Gravity. An upbeat song with clever lyrics. 8/10
7) Cinco de Mayo in Memphis – A good song with an interesting mix of calypso, traditional Spanish sound, and mariachi. 6/10.
8) Reggabilly Hill – A soothing song with a very pleasing sound. Nice and laid back. 7/10.
9) Elvis Presley Blues – A song about Elvis’s life and death, with a rockabilly sound. 5/10.
10) Hula Girl at Heart – A nice Caribbean sound. Good beach song. 6/10.
11) Wheel Inside the Wheel – A little more edgy than the others, probably the only one on the album that I would say comes close to being “filler,” but still out performs any of the “filler” songs on his albums of the last 10 years, and it’s not a song that requires skipping on a regular basis. The only major complaint about this one is that he does the “speak/sing” thing on the verses, where he’s half speaking, half singing, and I don’t particularly care for that. But he makes up for it with a very good chorus. 4/10 (mainly because of the spoken verses...the chorus, if judged alone, would probably get a 7/10).
12) Silver Wings – An old Merle Haggard song. A nice “Solid Gold” country sound, with a little Buffett-esque steel drum to boot. 7/10.
13) Breath In, Breath Out, Move On – Co-written by Buffett, and in competition with Whoop De Doo for the best song on the album. It’s a song about the destruction of New Orleans by Katrina. 9.5/10
14) Duke’s On Sunday – A song with the same kind of laid back beach sound as Hula Girl at Heart. 7/10
Election Update: Lexington re-elected Ben Chandler, who had been the only Democrat from Kentucky in Washington (our 2 Senators, and the other five members of the House, were all Republicans). However, Louisville ousted one of their Republican members of the House, in favor of a Democrat, so we know have two Democrats in Washington. Louisville also re-elected its Democratic mayor, Jerry Abramson, for a 950th term (he’s been mayor of Louisville since about 1732). Lexington, unfortunately, voted out its mayor, who was a liberal, in favor of a more conservative candidate. Lexington’s mayoral race is non-partisan, but everyone generally knows which parties the candidates are affiliated with.
School Update: Everything is still going really well with school. I had another presentation last night, which I felt went pretty well, and I also had a test, which I also think I did fine on. So far, we’ve only had two grades in that class...our first two tests...and I’ve gotten 100% on both. I still haven’t gotten anything less than a 98% on anything I’ve done in any class. And the two tests that I got 98’s on (both in Medical Terminology) both had words on them that we had not gone over in class, and that is why I got them wrong (she tells us that we don’t have to know anything that we don’t go over in class, and then she forgets to go over some words that are on the test, and then despite the majority of the class missing the words and telling her that she didn’t go over them, she refuses not to count off for them....But, oh well). The only reason is bothers me is because there are other people in the class who may not be making A’s, and those words could be the difference between an A and a B, or even between passing and failing.
Today in History, November 8:
35 – Birth of Roman Emperor Nerva.
1519 – Cortez enters the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan and is heralded as a god.
1656 – Birth of Edmund Halley, who predicted the return of the comet that would eventually bear his name.
1861 – The Trent Affair occurs, after a Union ship stops and detains a U.K. mail ship carrying two Confederate envoys. They detain the envoys before allowing the ship to continue on to England. It sparks a diplomatic crisis between the U.S. and U.K., and nearly brings the U.K. into the Civil War on the side of the Confederates. However, Prince Albert, sick with typhoid and only weeks away from death, intervenes, stopping a belligerent ultimatum that was to be sent to the U.S. demanding an apology, and rewrites it, softening the wording. This action ultimately helps the U.S. and U.K. to avoid war, and may have played an important role in changing the entire outcome of the future of the U.S. (they may likely have lost the Civil War if forced to fight England as well as the CSA). It was to be the last official act of Prince Albert, before succumbing to typhoid.
1864 – Abraham Lincoln wins re-election over George McClellan. McClellan, a former Union general, was nominated on a peace platform, even though he personally supported the war. This election was the first time in history that a democratic election for a head of state was held during an active war. Lincoln won in a landslide in the electoral college, and won 55% of the popular vote. McClellan won only the states of Kentucky, New Jersey (his home state), and Delaware.
1887 – Death of Doc Holliday, from tuberculosis.
1892 – Grover Cleveland wins the presidential election, becoming the first an only president in U.S. history to serve non-consecutive terms as president. An interesting side note is that despite being a president of the United States in the 19th century, his son just died in the 1990’s. During his first term, he had married a woman nearly 30 years younger than him, and they had a number of children. The last, a son, was born in 1903 and lived until 1995. Cleveland still has a number of living grandchildren. His most famous child, Baby Ruth (who was born to much fanfare while he was in office, and for whom the candy bar was later named), was a sickly child who ended up dying at the age of 12.
1895 – The Father of Radiology, Wilhelm Roentgen, discovers X-rays, paving the way for my chosen career path 111 years later.
1923 – Adolph Hitler leads the Bier Hall Putsch in Munich, Germany, in what would prove to be a failed effort to overthrown the German government.
1939 – Adolph Hitler narrowly avoids an assassination attempt while celebrating the anniversary of the Bier Hall Putsch.
1942 – Allied troops land in North Africa, beginning Operation Torch. This operation plays a role in my most recent short story, which is posted on The Writing Desk. The main character’s beau is killed during the initial invasion.
1950 – The first jet-to-jet dogfight in history occurs, with U.S. pilot Russell Brown shooting down two North Korean MiGs.
1952 – Birth of John Denny, the pitcher who gave up the first major league hit to my childhood Redbirds hero, Jeff Doyle.
1971 – Led Zeppelin IV is released, an album which includes the song Stairway to Heaven.
1978 – Death of Norman Rockwell, at the age of 215. He had first gained fame as the painter who helped win the Revolutionary War. Afterwards, he began painting warm scenes of Americana.
2003 – Birth of Lady Louise Windsor, daughter of Prince Edward, and 8th in line for the British throne.
2006 - The Republicans LOSE!!!!!!!
Friday, November 03, 2006
Always wear your seatbelt.....
As I was taking Hailey to daycare this morning, we were looking out across the park that sits across the street from our neighborhood. On the other side of this park is a federal penitentiary.
I was talking about how pretty the park looked with the rising sun glowing across the frosted grass, and all the trees in full color.
Hailey said, "I think I see a school or something over there."
I kind of laughed and said, "No, honey, that's a jail. That's where people go if they do bad things. If they commit crimes like stealing something or hurting somebody."
She nodded knowingly and said, "Yeah, or if they drive without a seatbelt or something."
I was talking about how pretty the park looked with the rising sun glowing across the frosted grass, and all the trees in full color.
Hailey said, "I think I see a school or something over there."
I kind of laughed and said, "No, honey, that's a jail. That's where people go if they do bad things. If they commit crimes like stealing something or hurting somebody."
She nodded knowingly and said, "Yeah, or if they drive without a seatbelt or something."
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Daily Update
Weight: 227
Currently Reading (fiction): River God, Wilbur Smith. This is such a good book. I think I’m probably enjoying it even more the second time around. The first time I read it was just after college, and it was also my first taste of Wilbur Smith. Now, as a “seasoned” Wilbur Smith fan, it reads even better. I plan on reading the sequel to this book, The Seventh Scroll, later on in the year.
Currently Reading (non-fiction): Nothing at the moment. With school and my new schedule, I just don’t have time right now to devote to two books like I have in the past. So for now, I’m just going to be reading one at a time. Most likely, I will alternate...read a fiction, then a non-fiction, then a fiction, etc. It kind of pisses me off, because this is going to kill my yearly reading list. I doubt I’ll be able to make 52 books this year. But oh well.
Currently Listening To: Nothing. I’m in the middle of transcribing a letter from dictation.
Rush Lyric of the Day: When the moment dies, the spark still flies, reflected in another pair of eyes.
Food Update: I’m trying to get back onto a good diet, although it’s hard with my schedule. But I’ve had oatmeal with flaxseed and green tea so far today.
School Update: I’m behind this week on studying, but I think I’ll be okay. I got my worst test grade yet last week...a 98. And the only reason I got a 98 is because there were two terms on the test that we had not gone over in class. In this class (Medical Terminology), she goes over all the words we have to know for the test, and writes the definition on the board. Last week, however, there were about 4 words on the test that she had not gone over in class. She tells us flat out that we do not need to know any words that she doesn’t write on the board. And then she turns around and puts 4 words on the test that she hadn’t gone over. When everyone missed them, and complained, she tried to claim that she had put them on the board. It was quite sad, really. But either way, I still go two of the words right, and I knew the other two, but she didn’t give me credit for defining “Embol(o)” as “clot,” even thought that’s technically what it is, and then the other word I missed was “Olig(o)” which obviously means “few” since an “Oligarchy” is a form of government by a few. But because I was pissed about all the words on the test that we hadn’t gone over in class, I put down, “I have never seen this word before,” for my answer.
Anyway, the only other notable news from school is that I did my disease presentation on Thursday in my Anatomy & Physiology class. It went really well, I thought. I think I was more nervous getting prepared for the speech than I actually was when I was giving it. Now I have to get prepared for my presentation next week in my Medical Law & Ethics class.
Halloween Update: I have class and a test tonight, so I won’t be able to do Halloween with Hailey. Melanie is taking her and Sydney to her friend Terena’s house to go trick-or-treating. Hailey is dressing up as a duck. We have no idea where she came up with that idea. We had assumed she would be a princess, since she has a princess outfit that Nana got her earlier this year. But about three weeks ago, Melanie asked her what she wanted to be, and out of nowhere she said, “A duck!” So, we bought her a duck outfit.
Today in History, October 31:
475 – Romulus Augustus, who was no more than 12 or 13 at the time, is proclaimed emperor of the Western Roman Empire. He would rule only 10 months before being deposed by a Germanic chieftain. He would be the last emperor of the Western Roman Empire.
1517 – Martin Luther King Sr. nails his 95 feces to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, beginning the Prostate Revolution.
1892 – Arthur Conan Doyle publishes “The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes,” the first collection of Holmes short stories.
1917 – The Battle of Beersheba takes place near Palestine, during World War I. During the battle, the Australian 4th Light Horse Brigade made a successful charge against the Turkish trenches, overtaking them and capturing Beersheba. This would become the last successful cavalry charge in history.
1923 – Marble Bar, Australia records a temperature of over 100 degrees. This would be the start of a record 160 consecutive days with temperatures at 100 or greater.
1926 – Death of Harry Houdini, from complications from a ruptured appendix.
1940 – The Battle of Britain ends, with the UK successfully repelling a German attempt to invade England.
1966 – Birth of Adam Horovitz, a.k.a. Adrock, of the Beastie Boys. “October 31st, that is my date of birth...”
1984 – Prime Minister Indira Gandhi is assassinated by two of her body guards as she walks through a garden at her primary residence.
Currently Reading (fiction): River God, Wilbur Smith. This is such a good book. I think I’m probably enjoying it even more the second time around. The first time I read it was just after college, and it was also my first taste of Wilbur Smith. Now, as a “seasoned” Wilbur Smith fan, it reads even better. I plan on reading the sequel to this book, The Seventh Scroll, later on in the year.
Currently Reading (non-fiction): Nothing at the moment. With school and my new schedule, I just don’t have time right now to devote to two books like I have in the past. So for now, I’m just going to be reading one at a time. Most likely, I will alternate...read a fiction, then a non-fiction, then a fiction, etc. It kind of pisses me off, because this is going to kill my yearly reading list. I doubt I’ll be able to make 52 books this year. But oh well.
Currently Listening To: Nothing. I’m in the middle of transcribing a letter from dictation.
Rush Lyric of the Day: When the moment dies, the spark still flies, reflected in another pair of eyes.
Food Update: I’m trying to get back onto a good diet, although it’s hard with my schedule. But I’ve had oatmeal with flaxseed and green tea so far today.
School Update: I’m behind this week on studying, but I think I’ll be okay. I got my worst test grade yet last week...a 98. And the only reason I got a 98 is because there were two terms on the test that we had not gone over in class. In this class (Medical Terminology), she goes over all the words we have to know for the test, and writes the definition on the board. Last week, however, there were about 4 words on the test that she had not gone over in class. She tells us flat out that we do not need to know any words that she doesn’t write on the board. And then she turns around and puts 4 words on the test that she hadn’t gone over. When everyone missed them, and complained, she tried to claim that she had put them on the board. It was quite sad, really. But either way, I still go two of the words right, and I knew the other two, but she didn’t give me credit for defining “Embol(o)” as “clot,” even thought that’s technically what it is, and then the other word I missed was “Olig(o)” which obviously means “few” since an “Oligarchy” is a form of government by a few. But because I was pissed about all the words on the test that we hadn’t gone over in class, I put down, “I have never seen this word before,” for my answer.
Anyway, the only other notable news from school is that I did my disease presentation on Thursday in my Anatomy & Physiology class. It went really well, I thought. I think I was more nervous getting prepared for the speech than I actually was when I was giving it. Now I have to get prepared for my presentation next week in my Medical Law & Ethics class.
Halloween Update: I have class and a test tonight, so I won’t be able to do Halloween with Hailey. Melanie is taking her and Sydney to her friend Terena’s house to go trick-or-treating. Hailey is dressing up as a duck. We have no idea where she came up with that idea. We had assumed she would be a princess, since she has a princess outfit that Nana got her earlier this year. But about three weeks ago, Melanie asked her what she wanted to be, and out of nowhere she said, “A duck!” So, we bought her a duck outfit.
Today in History, October 31:
475 – Romulus Augustus, who was no more than 12 or 13 at the time, is proclaimed emperor of the Western Roman Empire. He would rule only 10 months before being deposed by a Germanic chieftain. He would be the last emperor of the Western Roman Empire.
1517 – Martin Luther King Sr. nails his 95 feces to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, beginning the Prostate Revolution.
1892 – Arthur Conan Doyle publishes “The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes,” the first collection of Holmes short stories.
1917 – The Battle of Beersheba takes place near Palestine, during World War I. During the battle, the Australian 4th Light Horse Brigade made a successful charge against the Turkish trenches, overtaking them and capturing Beersheba. This would become the last successful cavalry charge in history.
1923 – Marble Bar, Australia records a temperature of over 100 degrees. This would be the start of a record 160 consecutive days with temperatures at 100 or greater.
1926 – Death of Harry Houdini, from complications from a ruptured appendix.
1940 – The Battle of Britain ends, with the UK successfully repelling a German attempt to invade England.
1966 – Birth of Adam Horovitz, a.k.a. Adrock, of the Beastie Boys. “October 31st, that is my date of birth...”
1984 – Prime Minister Indira Gandhi is assassinated by two of her body guards as she walks through a garden at her primary residence.
Monday, October 23, 2006
I could...
Sometimes you want to write something really profound or interesting, but there just isn’t anything to say. I’m in the mood right now to write a really good essay, or make a commentary on some important social or religious topic, but I’m just all worded out. I don’t have the energy to come up with anything emotionally engaging.
I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I’ve already done plenty of that.
I could lament over my struggles with drinking, but that’s a tired old subject.
I could talk about dirty, dirty sex and female anatomy, but then one of my in-laws might read it.
I could do one of my daily updates, but let’s face it, does anyone really want another one of those right now? There’s only so many times you can give your weight, a Rush lyric quote, and an update on your daughter’s bowel habits.
I could talk about this dark spot on the inside of my cheek that I think might be a blood blister of some type, but could possibly be an aggressive oral cancer that will soon spread to my brain, but I don’t feel like getting all worked up.
I could give random descriptions of my surroundings, but that would just be stupid.
I could do a Today in History but this ain’t The History Channel and I ain’t in the mood.
I could....
Aw shit. I’m not even in the mood to do anymore “I coulds.” I’m tired of thinking about what I could do.
I just wrote the phrase “I need to fart” at the end of that last sentence, but I took it out because I decided it was gross and embarrassing.
Okay, I’ll stop writing now and let you off the hook. I think I’ll go into the bathroom and look at this oral cancer in my mouth again and contemplate how many months I’ve got.
I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I’ve already done plenty of that.
I could lament over my struggles with drinking, but that’s a tired old subject.
I could talk about dirty, dirty sex and female anatomy, but then one of my in-laws might read it.
I could do one of my daily updates, but let’s face it, does anyone really want another one of those right now? There’s only so many times you can give your weight, a Rush lyric quote, and an update on your daughter’s bowel habits.
I could talk about this dark spot on the inside of my cheek that I think might be a blood blister of some type, but could possibly be an aggressive oral cancer that will soon spread to my brain, but I don’t feel like getting all worked up.
I could give random descriptions of my surroundings, but that would just be stupid.
I could do a Today in History but this ain’t The History Channel and I ain’t in the mood.
I could....
Aw shit. I’m not even in the mood to do anymore “I coulds.” I’m tired of thinking about what I could do.
I just wrote the phrase “I need to fart” at the end of that last sentence, but I took it out because I decided it was gross and embarrassing.
Okay, I’ll stop writing now and let you off the hook. I think I’ll go into the bathroom and look at this oral cancer in my mouth again and contemplate how many months I’ve got.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Daily Update
Weight: 229. I weighed myself this weekend and discovered that I am fatter than I’ve ever been in my life. Back when I was still working at Tempur-Pedic and working out every day, I used to worry if I got over 215.
Currently Reading (fiction): River God, Wilbur Smith. This is my second time through River God...the first time I’ve reread a Wilbur Smith novel. I love Wilbur.
Currently Listening To: Ride Across the River, Dire Straits.
Rush Lyric of the Day: I am the working man.
Weekend Update: Melanie and the kids went to Cincinnati on Saturday evening and I stayed home to study. Then I drove up on Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day with her family. We had lunch and I spent some time in the spa, although the water wasn’t as warm as I would have wanted it. We got home yesterday evening. During the day on Saturday, before Melanie went to Cincinnati, we had breakfast at Cracker Barrel and ran some errands around town. It was a really pretty weekend here. I’d say this week, up through this coming weekend, we will be hitting our peak in terms of fall color.
School Update: I have a test every night this week. This will be the first time I’ve had a test every night. I spent most of the weekend preparing for Monday and Tuesday’s tests, so I haven’t really studied for Wednesday or Thursday’s tests at all. Tuesday’s test is going to be tough because it’s covering four chapters’ worth of material.
In Cincinnati’s Sunday paper, there was a big full page add for jobs at area hospitals, and there were a number of openings for radiography, including several that were offering a $6,000 hiring bonus. One was at Bethesda North, where Mom used to work.
Food Update: As is obvious by my weight, I’ve been doing remarkably poorly on my dietary habits over the last few weeks, particularly since starting school. Eating out way too much, too much fast food, eating at odd times, eating enormous portions. Melanie and I are going to try to get back on track this week. So far today I’ve had green tea, and oatmeal with flaxseed.
Work Update: I was daydreaming this morning on my way to work about the 6 months last year when I was unemployed. God, that was such a nice time in my life.
Funniest Thing Seen on a Medical Record: Erythema of the labia major, caused by vaginal abscess.
Today in History, October 16:
1781 – Using a backdrop of painted soldiers, painted by the Skinny Kid with the Pipe, George Washington captures Yorktown, Virginia. Lord Cornwallis complains bitterly, stating: “It’s not cricket! You’re not playing the game!”
1793 – Marie Antoinette loses her head.
1854 – Birth of Oscar Wilde.
1859 – John Brown leads a slave revolt on an arsenal in Harper’s Ferry.
1923 – Walt Disney and his brother Roy found The Walt Disney Company. Their cousin, Roy Wally, founds Wally World a few years later.
1946 – 10 top German officials are hanged following their death sentences during the Nuremberg Trials. Hermann Goring avoids the noose by taking his own life just hours before he was due to hang.
1969 – The Miracle Mets win the World Series.
1978 – Pope John Paul II ascends to the throne of Christendom.
1991 – In a Luby’s Cafeteria in Killeen, Texas, George Hennard opens fire and kills 24 people. He then kills himself. The kill spree would help birth Texas’s legalization of concealed handguns 5 years later (a patron in the store had a gun in her car, but felt that if she’d been permitted to carry it with her, she could have stopped the massacre...she later successfully lobbied for the legalization to carry concealed handguns).
1999 – Death of Jean Shepherd, who wrote the screenplay for, and played the role of the narrator in A Christmas Story.
Currently Reading (fiction): River God, Wilbur Smith. This is my second time through River God...the first time I’ve reread a Wilbur Smith novel. I love Wilbur.
Currently Listening To: Ride Across the River, Dire Straits.
Rush Lyric of the Day: I am the working man.
Weekend Update: Melanie and the kids went to Cincinnati on Saturday evening and I stayed home to study. Then I drove up on Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day with her family. We had lunch and I spent some time in the spa, although the water wasn’t as warm as I would have wanted it. We got home yesterday evening. During the day on Saturday, before Melanie went to Cincinnati, we had breakfast at Cracker Barrel and ran some errands around town. It was a really pretty weekend here. I’d say this week, up through this coming weekend, we will be hitting our peak in terms of fall color.
School Update: I have a test every night this week. This will be the first time I’ve had a test every night. I spent most of the weekend preparing for Monday and Tuesday’s tests, so I haven’t really studied for Wednesday or Thursday’s tests at all. Tuesday’s test is going to be tough because it’s covering four chapters’ worth of material.
In Cincinnati’s Sunday paper, there was a big full page add for jobs at area hospitals, and there were a number of openings for radiography, including several that were offering a $6,000 hiring bonus. One was at Bethesda North, where Mom used to work.
Food Update: As is obvious by my weight, I’ve been doing remarkably poorly on my dietary habits over the last few weeks, particularly since starting school. Eating out way too much, too much fast food, eating at odd times, eating enormous portions. Melanie and I are going to try to get back on track this week. So far today I’ve had green tea, and oatmeal with flaxseed.
Work Update: I was daydreaming this morning on my way to work about the 6 months last year when I was unemployed. God, that was such a nice time in my life.
Funniest Thing Seen on a Medical Record: Erythema of the labia major, caused by vaginal abscess.
Today in History, October 16:
1781 – Using a backdrop of painted soldiers, painted by the Skinny Kid with the Pipe, George Washington captures Yorktown, Virginia. Lord Cornwallis complains bitterly, stating: “It’s not cricket! You’re not playing the game!”
1793 – Marie Antoinette loses her head.
1854 – Birth of Oscar Wilde.
1859 – John Brown leads a slave revolt on an arsenal in Harper’s Ferry.
1923 – Walt Disney and his brother Roy found The Walt Disney Company. Their cousin, Roy Wally, founds Wally World a few years later.
1946 – 10 top German officials are hanged following their death sentences during the Nuremberg Trials. Hermann Goring avoids the noose by taking his own life just hours before he was due to hang.
1969 – The Miracle Mets win the World Series.
1978 – Pope John Paul II ascends to the throne of Christendom.
1991 – In a Luby’s Cafeteria in Killeen, Texas, George Hennard opens fire and kills 24 people. He then kills himself. The kill spree would help birth Texas’s legalization of concealed handguns 5 years later (a patron in the store had a gun in her car, but felt that if she’d been permitted to carry it with her, she could have stopped the massacre...she later successfully lobbied for the legalization to carry concealed handguns).
1999 – Death of Jean Shepherd, who wrote the screenplay for, and played the role of the narrator in A Christmas Story.
Friday, October 13, 2006
The Knights Templar and Friday the 13th
Well, I'm sure there must be about 50 million blog posts out there today with "Friday the 13th" as the title. This blog really has nothing to do with Friday the 13th, I just didn't know what else to title it.
This is the 699th anniversary of the mass round-up of Knights Templar by Phillip IV. On Friday, October 13, 1307, Phillip, who wanted the Templar's wealth, began rounding up Templars by the thousands, accusing them of heresey and eventually executing them. This was the beginning of the end for the Knights Templar.
I feel a lot better and more positive today than I did on Wednesday. Sheesh, what a terrible blog post that was. I hate it when I get into those black moods.
I have a test every night next week. So I've got a lot of studying to do this weekend.
Shalom.
This is the 699th anniversary of the mass round-up of Knights Templar by Phillip IV. On Friday, October 13, 1307, Phillip, who wanted the Templar's wealth, began rounding up Templars by the thousands, accusing them of heresey and eventually executing them. This was the beginning of the end for the Knights Templar.
I feel a lot better and more positive today than I did on Wednesday. Sheesh, what a terrible blog post that was. I hate it when I get into those black moods.
I have a test every night next week. So I've got a lot of studying to do this weekend.
Shalom.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Daily Update
Weight: 225
Currently Reading (fiction): The Templar Legacy, Steve Berry. It’s taking me forever to get through this book because I have such little reading time now. I’m going to try to finish it this weekend. Probably won’t start another one right away, simply because there’s not much time to read. I hate taking 3 weeks to read a book...it’s harder to stay with the plot when you do that.
Currently Reading (non-fiction): Walking the Bible, Bruce Feiler. This really is a good travelogue of the various sites in the first 5 books of the Old Testament. Very interesting and entertaining.
Currently Listening To: Stories We Could Tell, Jimmy Buffett. Buffett’s new album is due out on Tuesday. It’s called Take the Weather With You. Apparently he decided on a new name, because in September, the album was to be called Paddlin’ Out.
Rush Lyric of the Day: Green and grey washes in a wispy white veil. Mist in the streets of Westminster.
Food Update: Someone brought in fresh, warm Krispy Kreame glazed this morning. Warm Krispy Kreames are the best sweet food on earth. And so utterly terrible for you. I ate two, and I’m thinking about having another. Heart attack be damned!
School Update: I had three tests this week. I think I made a perfect score on my test last night, unless I made a stupid mistake. I missed one or two on Wednesday’s test, but there were five bonus questions that I know I got right. I made a 99% on Monday’s test. All three tests were very easy. Next week, I have tests on Wednesday and Thursday, but none on Monday or Tuesday. I finally got my student ID and my scrubs vouchers, so I’ll be getting my purple scrubs this weekend and wearing them to class starting on Monday.
Last night, we were learning the basics of biology in our Anatomy and Physiology class. Cell structures and that sort of thing. One of the types of tissue we learned about is called “pseudostratified.” There is a girl in the class who is the type that is constantly asking questions and interrupting the lecture to get clarification on some totally obscure, non-test-worthy issue.
Anyway, last night, during one of her clarification interruptions, she was asking about this psuedostratified type of tissue, and she called it “puh-swade-o-stratified.” I literally almost laughed out loud. I sat there giggling under my breath for five minutes.
Hailey Update: Hailey has been doing better this week. She hasn’t shit her pants at all, and has been going on the potty when she feels it. We’re really hoping that maybe these bowel issues are behind us. Also, she whispered to her teacher twice yesterday, and also did her work at school. So that was a big step. I am going over there at lunch today to have lunch with her.
Sydney Update: I saw Sydney awake this morning, for about 30 seconds. First time I’ve seen her awake since Monday night...when I saw her for about 2 minutes.
Today in History, October 6:
891 – Formosus is elected pope. He is best remembered for being the central figure of the Cadaver Synod in 897. He had died in 896, and his successor brought charges against him that he had been unfit to sit as pope. His corpse was dug up, dressed in the papal vestments, and set up before a courtroom to be tried. He was convicted of the crimes, all his rulings and measures were reversed, his papal vestments were torn from his corpse, the three fingers he used to give blessings were ripped off his hand, and his corpse was thrown into the Tiber. Gotta love those Catholics.
1888 – Birth of Roland Garros. Garros was an early French aviation pioneer, and was one of the first fighter pilots in World War I. In the early years of the war, before Anthony Fokker’s invention of the interrupter gear, allowing machine guns to be fired through the propeller, Garros came up with a scheme of his own to fire through the propeller. He put steel plates on the propeller, thus allowing the bullets to deflect away from the propeller, and inevitably allowing some bullets to get through. He managed to shoot three aircraft down in this fashion. However, in early 1915, the steel plates failed, and he shot off his own propeller. He crashed landed in enemy territory and was taken prisoner. He escaped in 1918 and rejoined the French army. He was subsequently shot down and killed one day before his 30th birthday, on October 5, 1918, only a month before the war’s end. France’s most famous tennis court, the home of the French Open, is named in his honor.
1889 – Thomas Edison premiers his first motion picture.
1892 – Death of Alfred Lord Tennyson, who took his own advice and “did and died.”
1898 – The honorary music fraternity Phi Mu Alpha Symphonia is founded in Boston. I am a member of this fraternity. Betcha didn’t know that, did you?
1927 – The Jazz Singer premiers, the first major talking picture.
1945 – A Greek immigrant named Bill Sianis attends Game 4 of the World Series at Wrigley Field. He brings his pet goat with him, and is permitted to keep the goat at the game, even getting to parade the animal around on the field before the start of the game. However, later in the game, the Cubs owner forced Sianis and his goat to leave, citing the “stink” from the animal. Sianis was outraged, and (so the story goes) put a curse on the Cubs, swearing they would never win another pennant or play in another World Series at Wrigley Field. Since then, the curse has stuck.
1973 – The Yom Kippur war begins as 80,000 Egyptian troops cross the Suez Canal and attack Israeli-held positions.
1981 – On the 8th anniversary of the day his troops invaded the Sinai, Egyptian President Anwar el-Sadat is assassinated by Muslim extremists.
1992 – Death of British actor Denholm Elliot, from AIDS. Although he was married twice and fathered two children, he was a bisexual. He garnered an Academy Award nomination for his role in A Room With a View. His most widely-known role was as the bumbling academic companion of Indiana Jones, Marcus Brody, in the first and third Indiana Jones movies.
1995 – A planet is discovered orbiting Pegasi 51, a star in the Pegasus galaxy, 49 light years from earth. It is the first extra-solar planet ever discovered.
1997 – Death of Johnny Vander Meer, the former Cincinnati Red who is the only pitcher in major league history to throw two consecutive no-hitters.
2003 – Timothy Treadwell, a bear enthusiast who chose to live among bears, is killed, along with his girlfriend, and partially eaten by....you guessed it...a large brown bear.
Currently Reading (fiction): The Templar Legacy, Steve Berry. It’s taking me forever to get through this book because I have such little reading time now. I’m going to try to finish it this weekend. Probably won’t start another one right away, simply because there’s not much time to read. I hate taking 3 weeks to read a book...it’s harder to stay with the plot when you do that.
Currently Reading (non-fiction): Walking the Bible, Bruce Feiler. This really is a good travelogue of the various sites in the first 5 books of the Old Testament. Very interesting and entertaining.
Currently Listening To: Stories We Could Tell, Jimmy Buffett. Buffett’s new album is due out on Tuesday. It’s called Take the Weather With You. Apparently he decided on a new name, because in September, the album was to be called Paddlin’ Out.
Rush Lyric of the Day: Green and grey washes in a wispy white veil. Mist in the streets of Westminster.
Food Update: Someone brought in fresh, warm Krispy Kreame glazed this morning. Warm Krispy Kreames are the best sweet food on earth. And so utterly terrible for you. I ate two, and I’m thinking about having another. Heart attack be damned!
School Update: I had three tests this week. I think I made a perfect score on my test last night, unless I made a stupid mistake. I missed one or two on Wednesday’s test, but there were five bonus questions that I know I got right. I made a 99% on Monday’s test. All three tests were very easy. Next week, I have tests on Wednesday and Thursday, but none on Monday or Tuesday. I finally got my student ID and my scrubs vouchers, so I’ll be getting my purple scrubs this weekend and wearing them to class starting on Monday.
Last night, we were learning the basics of biology in our Anatomy and Physiology class. Cell structures and that sort of thing. One of the types of tissue we learned about is called “pseudostratified.” There is a girl in the class who is the type that is constantly asking questions and interrupting the lecture to get clarification on some totally obscure, non-test-worthy issue.
Anyway, last night, during one of her clarification interruptions, she was asking about this psuedostratified type of tissue, and she called it “puh-swade-o-stratified.” I literally almost laughed out loud. I sat there giggling under my breath for five minutes.
Hailey Update: Hailey has been doing better this week. She hasn’t shit her pants at all, and has been going on the potty when she feels it. We’re really hoping that maybe these bowel issues are behind us. Also, she whispered to her teacher twice yesterday, and also did her work at school. So that was a big step. I am going over there at lunch today to have lunch with her.
Sydney Update: I saw Sydney awake this morning, for about 30 seconds. First time I’ve seen her awake since Monday night...when I saw her for about 2 minutes.
Today in History, October 6:
891 – Formosus is elected pope. He is best remembered for being the central figure of the Cadaver Synod in 897. He had died in 896, and his successor brought charges against him that he had been unfit to sit as pope. His corpse was dug up, dressed in the papal vestments, and set up before a courtroom to be tried. He was convicted of the crimes, all his rulings and measures were reversed, his papal vestments were torn from his corpse, the three fingers he used to give blessings were ripped off his hand, and his corpse was thrown into the Tiber. Gotta love those Catholics.
1888 – Birth of Roland Garros. Garros was an early French aviation pioneer, and was one of the first fighter pilots in World War I. In the early years of the war, before Anthony Fokker’s invention of the interrupter gear, allowing machine guns to be fired through the propeller, Garros came up with a scheme of his own to fire through the propeller. He put steel plates on the propeller, thus allowing the bullets to deflect away from the propeller, and inevitably allowing some bullets to get through. He managed to shoot three aircraft down in this fashion. However, in early 1915, the steel plates failed, and he shot off his own propeller. He crashed landed in enemy territory and was taken prisoner. He escaped in 1918 and rejoined the French army. He was subsequently shot down and killed one day before his 30th birthday, on October 5, 1918, only a month before the war’s end. France’s most famous tennis court, the home of the French Open, is named in his honor.
1889 – Thomas Edison premiers his first motion picture.
1892 – Death of Alfred Lord Tennyson, who took his own advice and “did and died.”
1898 – The honorary music fraternity Phi Mu Alpha Symphonia is founded in Boston. I am a member of this fraternity. Betcha didn’t know that, did you?
1927 – The Jazz Singer premiers, the first major talking picture.
1945 – A Greek immigrant named Bill Sianis attends Game 4 of the World Series at Wrigley Field. He brings his pet goat with him, and is permitted to keep the goat at the game, even getting to parade the animal around on the field before the start of the game. However, later in the game, the Cubs owner forced Sianis and his goat to leave, citing the “stink” from the animal. Sianis was outraged, and (so the story goes) put a curse on the Cubs, swearing they would never win another pennant or play in another World Series at Wrigley Field. Since then, the curse has stuck.
1973 – The Yom Kippur war begins as 80,000 Egyptian troops cross the Suez Canal and attack Israeli-held positions.
1981 – On the 8th anniversary of the day his troops invaded the Sinai, Egyptian President Anwar el-Sadat is assassinated by Muslim extremists.
1992 – Death of British actor Denholm Elliot, from AIDS. Although he was married twice and fathered two children, he was a bisexual. He garnered an Academy Award nomination for his role in A Room With a View. His most widely-known role was as the bumbling academic companion of Indiana Jones, Marcus Brody, in the first and third Indiana Jones movies.
1995 – A planet is discovered orbiting Pegasi 51, a star in the Pegasus galaxy, 49 light years from earth. It is the first extra-solar planet ever discovered.
1997 – Death of Johnny Vander Meer, the former Cincinnati Red who is the only pitcher in major league history to throw two consecutive no-hitters.
2003 – Timothy Treadwell, a bear enthusiast who chose to live among bears, is killed, along with his girlfriend, and partially eaten by....you guessed it...a large brown bear.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
My New Routine
I feel stressed out.
I get up at 6:50 or so in the morning. I take a shower, get dressed, take my vitamin and anti-depressant, and get breakfast ready for myself (I take oatmeal to work with me and eat it at work) and then I make my daughter’s breakfast (which consists of Cookie Crisp). I then fight with my daughter to get her up and get her dressed.
Even on a good day, this is not easy.
She insists on having the lights out because they are too bright and hurt her eyes, she insists on staying under the covers while I am dressing her because she gets cold, and she doesn’t like to have her hair combed. So I have to take her pajamas off while she’s lying in bed, put her clothes on while simultaneously making sure she remains under the covers, and then manhandle her into position so I can brush her hair. While brushing her hair, I have to place one hand on her head to hold it in place, and I have to be careful not to cause any pulling.
On a bad day, this process entails a lot of screaming, fighting, struggling, kicking, flailing, crying, gasping, and usually two or three outfits before she settles on one that she is willing to wear. Many mornings I also have to take her to the bathroom first, carefully remove her shit-streaked underwear, wash those out and put them in the sink, and then wipe her ass.
Once all this is done, I have to take the dog out, and then we leave to go to daycare. That used to entail a 20-minute drive across town, but since we changed a few weeks ago, it is now just around the corner from where we live. So that is one thing that has gotten easier. However, once at the daycare, I have to stay with her for several minutes, getting her prepared for me to leave. When I finally do leave, I have to carry her over to the teacher, and the teacher has to take her arm or hand; otherwise she clings to my leg and won’t let me go.
I get to work at 8:30 (assuming Hailey hasn’t caused me to be late due to a meltdown – that happens at least once a week). I get an hour for lunch. I usually go home during lunch and try to have a little down time, eating and watching television. Other times (such as today), I have to use my lunch break to study.
My workday ends at 5:30 and I leave work and go straight to school. I have a class each night, Monday through Thursday. The class starts at 6:00 and if you are tardy, it counts has half an absence. If you have to leave early, you also get half an absence. If you get more than two full absences, you are automatically withdrawn from the class, and must go through an appeals process in order to get reinstated. There are no excused absences, no matter the reason. Sick? Death in the family? Hospitalized for Mad Cow Disease? Doesn’t matter. No excused absences.
Classes end at 9:40, although we occasionally get out early – but never before 9:00 at the earliest. So far, it seems that 9:30 is the average for getting out.
I get home at about 10:00.
Monday through Thursday, I endure 15-hour days, if I count from the time I get up in the mornings. Even just counting from the time I leave in the mornings to the time I get home at night, it’s about 14 hours. I typically have two or three tests each week, and I have oral presentations to prepare for in three of my four classes this quarter. Since I have no free time Monday through Thursday, I have to spend a good portion of my weekend studying and preparing for classes.
My daughter is a constant source of stress, as touched on above. In addition to her behavior at home, she is exceptionally shy at school and refuses to speak or eat while she’s there. We have recently been doing some research and have come to believe she may suffer from an anxiety-disorder known as Selective Mutism, which explains a lot of why she acts the way she acts at school (hyper-shy and withdrawn), as well as why she acts the way she acts at home (stubborn, inflexible, overly-sensitive, bowel problems, refusing to sleep, picky eater, etc.). My wife is having a list of providers sent to her in the mail, and we are going to start her in some therapy/counseling to try to help her.
I feel stressed out.
And you may be asking yourself, “Is he going to keep on posting these ‘woe is me’ diatribes the entire time he is in school? Didn’t he choose to go to school of his own free will? If so, why is he complaining?” My answers are as follows:
1) If I feel like it, assface.
2) Yes.
3) Shut up.
I get up at 6:50 or so in the morning. I take a shower, get dressed, take my vitamin and anti-depressant, and get breakfast ready for myself (I take oatmeal to work with me and eat it at work) and then I make my daughter’s breakfast (which consists of Cookie Crisp). I then fight with my daughter to get her up and get her dressed.
Even on a good day, this is not easy.
She insists on having the lights out because they are too bright and hurt her eyes, she insists on staying under the covers while I am dressing her because she gets cold, and she doesn’t like to have her hair combed. So I have to take her pajamas off while she’s lying in bed, put her clothes on while simultaneously making sure she remains under the covers, and then manhandle her into position so I can brush her hair. While brushing her hair, I have to place one hand on her head to hold it in place, and I have to be careful not to cause any pulling.
On a bad day, this process entails a lot of screaming, fighting, struggling, kicking, flailing, crying, gasping, and usually two or three outfits before she settles on one that she is willing to wear. Many mornings I also have to take her to the bathroom first, carefully remove her shit-streaked underwear, wash those out and put them in the sink, and then wipe her ass.
Once all this is done, I have to take the dog out, and then we leave to go to daycare. That used to entail a 20-minute drive across town, but since we changed a few weeks ago, it is now just around the corner from where we live. So that is one thing that has gotten easier. However, once at the daycare, I have to stay with her for several minutes, getting her prepared for me to leave. When I finally do leave, I have to carry her over to the teacher, and the teacher has to take her arm or hand; otherwise she clings to my leg and won’t let me go.
I get to work at 8:30 (assuming Hailey hasn’t caused me to be late due to a meltdown – that happens at least once a week). I get an hour for lunch. I usually go home during lunch and try to have a little down time, eating and watching television. Other times (such as today), I have to use my lunch break to study.
My workday ends at 5:30 and I leave work and go straight to school. I have a class each night, Monday through Thursday. The class starts at 6:00 and if you are tardy, it counts has half an absence. If you have to leave early, you also get half an absence. If you get more than two full absences, you are automatically withdrawn from the class, and must go through an appeals process in order to get reinstated. There are no excused absences, no matter the reason. Sick? Death in the family? Hospitalized for Mad Cow Disease? Doesn’t matter. No excused absences.
Classes end at 9:40, although we occasionally get out early – but never before 9:00 at the earliest. So far, it seems that 9:30 is the average for getting out.
I get home at about 10:00.
Monday through Thursday, I endure 15-hour days, if I count from the time I get up in the mornings. Even just counting from the time I leave in the mornings to the time I get home at night, it’s about 14 hours. I typically have two or three tests each week, and I have oral presentations to prepare for in three of my four classes this quarter. Since I have no free time Monday through Thursday, I have to spend a good portion of my weekend studying and preparing for classes.
My daughter is a constant source of stress, as touched on above. In addition to her behavior at home, she is exceptionally shy at school and refuses to speak or eat while she’s there. We have recently been doing some research and have come to believe she may suffer from an anxiety-disorder known as Selective Mutism, which explains a lot of why she acts the way she acts at school (hyper-shy and withdrawn), as well as why she acts the way she acts at home (stubborn, inflexible, overly-sensitive, bowel problems, refusing to sleep, picky eater, etc.). My wife is having a list of providers sent to her in the mail, and we are going to start her in some therapy/counseling to try to help her.
I feel stressed out.
And you may be asking yourself, “Is he going to keep on posting these ‘woe is me’ diatribes the entire time he is in school? Didn’t he choose to go to school of his own free will? If so, why is he complaining?” My answers are as follows:
1) If I feel like it, assface.
2) Yes.
3) Shut up.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Apathy
You ever have one of those days where you just don’t want to do anything?
I have things piling up on my desk, tasks to accomplish that simply aren’t going to go away, no matter how long I stare at them. And yet I can’t seem to get started on anything. And when I do devote a little bit of time to something, I’m ready for a break after ten minutes. I just feel...apathetic.
I have three tests this week, including one tonight, and while none of them will be challenging, I think I’m uptight a little bit just about the prospect of having to actually take tests again.
And I still can’t get that nagging little voice out of the back of my head – that inner critic – who keeps reminding me that a year ago I was applying for Master’s and Ph.D. programs, and now I’m sitting in classes at a technical college working toward an Associate’s degree. And, in fact, I’m not even in the Associate’s degree program yet. I’m just in the LMR program, which is basically a series of classes to train you to take X-rays. It’s like being in vocational school.
I had expected, by September of this year, to be in graduate school somewhere. Maybe Houston, or Arizona, or Memphis. Surrounded by peers who shared my interest in writing, people who were intellectual and intelligent, people with whom I would have in common a love of writing, reading, and learning. I would be going to class every day on a beautiful university campus, seeing the pretty co-eds and enjoying that distinct “collegiate” atmosphere. Feeling good about myself because I was part of it, I was good enough, I had been accepted, given that nod approval by the powers that be. No longer would I be the only one of my college friends without graduate education. No longer would I be the only one of my college friends stuck in a dead-end office job. No sir. No more office jobs for me. Ever. I would be high on academia, proud of myself, feeling that I was somebody, immersing myself every day in my passion for writing.
Instead, it’s September, I’m stuck in a dead-end office job (again) that sucks the life right out of me, and I’m taking night classes at a technical college, surrounded, certainly, by some people who are intelligent, thoughtful, and hardworking, but mostly by post-high school nitwits hoping to find an easy path to avoiding minimum-wage jobs for the rest of their lives.
Oh, it may not be fair to say that characterizes most of the people I’m in class with, but it certainly characterizes some. I was sitting in a class last week, for instance, next to a girl who told me she had failed the class once already and was retaking it, and who kept complaining under her breath about wanting to leave, and who doodled the entire time on her notebook writing things like Ceclia loves Greg and Greg + Ceclia = 4-ever.
I’m not kidding.
I realize I’m just being down in the mouth with all my Sad Sam rambling, and I don’t mean to sound like I’m second guessing my choice to enter this program, because I’m not at all. More than anything, I’m just lamenting about not having been accepted to graduate school.
And of course, there is part of me that wishes I had done this already – this Radiologic Technology program – and gotten it out of the way so that I could be working in this field now, instead of just starting out.
I hate that I have to put my writing on the backburner. Even though I haven’t been writing over the past few years like I wish I had been, at least I’ve been making some progress. Now I don’t have time to write at all, and barely even have time to do much reading. It’s just a total lifestyle change for me right now...fourteen hour days, studying, working on papers and projects, no time to do anything I enjoy doing except on the weekends, and then I have to spend at least some of my weekend time studying and working on school-related things. Money is a stress, Hailey is a stress, working forty hours a week at a job that drains me of life is a stress. Melanie and I have some friction in our relationship too, not because of any problems between us, but simply because any time you both have a lot of work-, money-, and child-related stress, you are inevitably going to have some of that stress creep into your relationship. I still want to go out and drink like I used to, but I know I can’t for a variety of reasons: health, drunk driving, money, hangovers, no time.
I just feel totally off kilter.
It’s little wonder, then, that I have no motivation to work today. It’s pretty outside and I just wish I could go home and sit in the sun. I haven’t meditated or done yoga in what seems like weeks. I haven’t been walking or doing much exercise.
It’s like the life has just been drained out of me.
Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose.
I have things piling up on my desk, tasks to accomplish that simply aren’t going to go away, no matter how long I stare at them. And yet I can’t seem to get started on anything. And when I do devote a little bit of time to something, I’m ready for a break after ten minutes. I just feel...apathetic.
I have three tests this week, including one tonight, and while none of them will be challenging, I think I’m uptight a little bit just about the prospect of having to actually take tests again.
And I still can’t get that nagging little voice out of the back of my head – that inner critic – who keeps reminding me that a year ago I was applying for Master’s and Ph.D. programs, and now I’m sitting in classes at a technical college working toward an Associate’s degree. And, in fact, I’m not even in the Associate’s degree program yet. I’m just in the LMR program, which is basically a series of classes to train you to take X-rays. It’s like being in vocational school.
I had expected, by September of this year, to be in graduate school somewhere. Maybe Houston, or Arizona, or Memphis. Surrounded by peers who shared my interest in writing, people who were intellectual and intelligent, people with whom I would have in common a love of writing, reading, and learning. I would be going to class every day on a beautiful university campus, seeing the pretty co-eds and enjoying that distinct “collegiate” atmosphere. Feeling good about myself because I was part of it, I was good enough, I had been accepted, given that nod approval by the powers that be. No longer would I be the only one of my college friends without graduate education. No longer would I be the only one of my college friends stuck in a dead-end office job. No sir. No more office jobs for me. Ever. I would be high on academia, proud of myself, feeling that I was somebody, immersing myself every day in my passion for writing.
Instead, it’s September, I’m stuck in a dead-end office job (again) that sucks the life right out of me, and I’m taking night classes at a technical college, surrounded, certainly, by some people who are intelligent, thoughtful, and hardworking, but mostly by post-high school nitwits hoping to find an easy path to avoiding minimum-wage jobs for the rest of their lives.
Oh, it may not be fair to say that characterizes most of the people I’m in class with, but it certainly characterizes some. I was sitting in a class last week, for instance, next to a girl who told me she had failed the class once already and was retaking it, and who kept complaining under her breath about wanting to leave, and who doodled the entire time on her notebook writing things like Ceclia loves Greg and Greg + Ceclia = 4-ever.
I’m not kidding.
I realize I’m just being down in the mouth with all my Sad Sam rambling, and I don’t mean to sound like I’m second guessing my choice to enter this program, because I’m not at all. More than anything, I’m just lamenting about not having been accepted to graduate school.
And of course, there is part of me that wishes I had done this already – this Radiologic Technology program – and gotten it out of the way so that I could be working in this field now, instead of just starting out.
I hate that I have to put my writing on the backburner. Even though I haven’t been writing over the past few years like I wish I had been, at least I’ve been making some progress. Now I don’t have time to write at all, and barely even have time to do much reading. It’s just a total lifestyle change for me right now...fourteen hour days, studying, working on papers and projects, no time to do anything I enjoy doing except on the weekends, and then I have to spend at least some of my weekend time studying and working on school-related things. Money is a stress, Hailey is a stress, working forty hours a week at a job that drains me of life is a stress. Melanie and I have some friction in our relationship too, not because of any problems between us, but simply because any time you both have a lot of work-, money-, and child-related stress, you are inevitably going to have some of that stress creep into your relationship. I still want to go out and drink like I used to, but I know I can’t for a variety of reasons: health, drunk driving, money, hangovers, no time.
I just feel totally off kilter.
It’s little wonder, then, that I have no motivation to work today. It’s pretty outside and I just wish I could go home and sit in the sun. I haven’t meditated or done yoga in what seems like weeks. I haven’t been walking or doing much exercise.
It’s like the life has just been drained out of me.
Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Daily Update
Weight: 225
Currently Reading (fiction): The Templar Legacy, Steve Berry.
Currently Reading (non-fiction): Walking the Bible, Bruce Feiler.
Currently Listening To: The Long Black Veil, Johnny Cash.
Rush Lyric of the Day: Truth is, after all, so poorly lit.
Hailey Update: Hailey is grounded today from TV again for throwing a fit last night and refusing to go to sleep. She was up until about 11:30. This is the 5th day in the last 8 that she has been grounded from TV. She’s also grounded tomorrow, but I have told her that I’ll reduce that if she behaves well today and goes to bed on time tonight. In addition to refusing to go to bed, she also shit in her pants about 5 times.
Sydney Update: Sydney is perfect.
School Update: Class on Tuesday was Medical Law and Ethics and it will be a bit more challenging than some of my other classes. There is also a project which we have to give a 10-minute presentation on. Wednesday’s class was Medical Terminology and it is basically just a lot of memorization of medical suffixes, prefixes, and root words, and learning how to put them together and recognize what terms mean by understanding their different parts. For instance, “anesthesiologist” literally means “one who specializes in no feeling or sensation.” This class is probably rather tedious and boring to most, but because of my love of words, I actually found it to be interesting, although it is a lot of information to ingest in a short time. I also was able to discover that the frequent eyelid twitches that I get (particularly when I’m stressed) are medically called “blepharospasms.” Literally, a spasm or twitch of the eyelid. So if you ever hear me say, “Oh God, I’m having a blepharospasm!” don’t freak out. It’s just a twitchy eyelid. Tonight’s class is the one that is supposedly the toughest in the program, Anatomy and Physiology, Level I.
Taking classes 4 nights a week, after working all day, is really hard. 14 hour days. I’ve been oversleeping every morning on accident, I guess because I’m just so worn out. It’ll be nice having Friday, Saturday, and Sunday free from school, but of course I’ll have to use those days to study and work on my projects, etc.
I was surprised, last night, to find that several people in the class clearly weren’t totally clear on what the terms “prefix” and “suffix” mean. How do you get through high school English classes without knowing those terms?
Today in History, September 28:
551 BCE – Confucius is born
58 BCE – Birth of Livia Drusilla, wife of Caesar Augustus.
48 BCE – Pompey is assassinated in Egypt on the orders of Pharaoh Ptolemy, after fleeing there from a military defeat by Julius Caesar.
235 – Death of Pope Pontianus, one of the earliest Christian popes of which anything is known.
935 – Wenceslaus I (aka “Good King Wenceslaus) is assassinated by his brother, hacked to death on the doorstep of a church.
1066 – William the Conqueror invades England, beginning the Norman Conquest.
1571 – Birth of Michelangelo.
1891 – Death of Herman Melville, who died of boredom while trying to read Moby Dick.
1946 – Birth of Jeffery Jones, aka Edward R. Rooney, Dean of Students.
1978 – Death of Pope John Paul I, after only 33 days as pope. Guess God messed up on that call.
Currently Reading (fiction): The Templar Legacy, Steve Berry.
Currently Reading (non-fiction): Walking the Bible, Bruce Feiler.
Currently Listening To: The Long Black Veil, Johnny Cash.
Rush Lyric of the Day: Truth is, after all, so poorly lit.
Hailey Update: Hailey is grounded today from TV again for throwing a fit last night and refusing to go to sleep. She was up until about 11:30. This is the 5th day in the last 8 that she has been grounded from TV. She’s also grounded tomorrow, but I have told her that I’ll reduce that if she behaves well today and goes to bed on time tonight. In addition to refusing to go to bed, she also shit in her pants about 5 times.
Sydney Update: Sydney is perfect.
School Update: Class on Tuesday was Medical Law and Ethics and it will be a bit more challenging than some of my other classes. There is also a project which we have to give a 10-minute presentation on. Wednesday’s class was Medical Terminology and it is basically just a lot of memorization of medical suffixes, prefixes, and root words, and learning how to put them together and recognize what terms mean by understanding their different parts. For instance, “anesthesiologist” literally means “one who specializes in no feeling or sensation.” This class is probably rather tedious and boring to most, but because of my love of words, I actually found it to be interesting, although it is a lot of information to ingest in a short time. I also was able to discover that the frequent eyelid twitches that I get (particularly when I’m stressed) are medically called “blepharospasms.” Literally, a spasm or twitch of the eyelid. So if you ever hear me say, “Oh God, I’m having a blepharospasm!” don’t freak out. It’s just a twitchy eyelid. Tonight’s class is the one that is supposedly the toughest in the program, Anatomy and Physiology, Level I.
Taking classes 4 nights a week, after working all day, is really hard. 14 hour days. I’ve been oversleeping every morning on accident, I guess because I’m just so worn out. It’ll be nice having Friday, Saturday, and Sunday free from school, but of course I’ll have to use those days to study and work on my projects, etc.
I was surprised, last night, to find that several people in the class clearly weren’t totally clear on what the terms “prefix” and “suffix” mean. How do you get through high school English classes without knowing those terms?
Today in History, September 28:
551 BCE – Confucius is born
58 BCE – Birth of Livia Drusilla, wife of Caesar Augustus.
48 BCE – Pompey is assassinated in Egypt on the orders of Pharaoh Ptolemy, after fleeing there from a military defeat by Julius Caesar.
235 – Death of Pope Pontianus, one of the earliest Christian popes of which anything is known.
935 – Wenceslaus I (aka “Good King Wenceslaus) is assassinated by his brother, hacked to death on the doorstep of a church.
1066 – William the Conqueror invades England, beginning the Norman Conquest.
1571 – Birth of Michelangelo.
1891 – Death of Herman Melville, who died of boredom while trying to read Moby Dick.
1946 – Birth of Jeffery Jones, aka Edward R. Rooney, Dean of Students.
1978 – Death of Pope John Paul I, after only 33 days as pope. Guess God messed up on that call.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Back to School
On Monday, September 25, 2006, I returned to the classroom for the first time in nine years.
If you had told me back in May of 1997, right after I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in History from the academically-oriented private institution Georgetown College, that I would be returning to school at age 31 to get an Associate’s degree in Radiographic Technology, I would have said you were crazy. I always envisioned the possibility of returning to school, but I envisioned graduate school in either History or English, pursuing a Ph.D for the purpose of teaching at the collegiate level. Indeed, at this time last year, I was in the long and tedious process of applying for graduate schools in Creative Writing, hoping ultimately to be able to teach college while I continued to pursue my dream of writing full time.
Throughout my twenties, I had always said I would return to school at age thirty if nothing was going on with my writing career by that time. I wanted to focus, during my twenties, on strengthening my writing and learning my craft, and I knew that if I went to school, I would have to put writing on the back burner.
Despite always saying I would return to school at thirty, I never actually thought it would happen. I did not think I would be in a financial position to ever quit my job, or reduce my hours, to attend graduate school. I figured I would be “stuck” by being in a job where I made too much money to afford to quit.
Well, all that was taken care of for me in December of 2004 when I lost my job...two months to the day before my 30th birthday. It seemed rather Providential. After the normal period of panic that follows such an event, I very quickly began to see the situation as one that was freeing me from a sort of corporate prison. No longer did I have to be chained to a desk, doing a job I was overqualified for and which I hated, working for mean-spirited, domineering, and incompetent bosses. I was now free to pursue my dreams, to go back to school, and to get my life back on track. I swore to myself that I would never again sit at a desk for eight hours a day.
I took the GRE and scored very well, and afterward, I spent some time determining what I wanted to pursue in graduate school – History or Creative Writing. I ultimately settled on Creative Writing and set about applying to schools of my choice.
I went back to work in the late summer of 2005, waiting tables with the hopes of getting a bartending job in the future. No desk work for me. No sir.
But, as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
By December of 2005, my ex-wife and I had reconciled and gotten back together, and she was pregnant again. I was not making enough money waiting tables and had been unable to secure any positions as a bartender. So I decided to compromise on my No Desk Job rule and took a job as a Legal Assistant with a small law firm. The pay was not excellent, but it was better than I had been making waiting tables, and it was enough to get us by. After all, it was only going to be a 6-month job...by the summer, I would be moving, heading off to graduate school.
Winter turned to spring and after what seemed like ages, the graduate school letters began filtering in.
Rejection.
Rejection.
Rejection.
One after another: Dear Byron, Thank you for applying, blah blah blah blah blah. We wish you luck in your pathetic, ill-conceived writing career. Have a nice life, loser.
Needless to say, I was quite upset for a while when none of the schools accepted me. Instead of selling the house and moving, we would be staying put, with me spinning my wheels for at least another year. We seriously considered moving anyway, finding new jobs and going to Houston to be near my parents. But ultimately we decided that such a decision was not in our best interests, so we decided to stay in Lexington, and I started looking for better paying jobs.
Four months passed and I was (as usual) unable to find better work. I applied for everything from other paralegal jobs to driving a Scotts Lawn Service truck. I could not seem to get attention from anyone. The one job I did interview for (and probably could have gotten) was a job with a contractor working inside Home Depot, doing point of sale merchandising and inventory. It would have fit with my No Desk Job rule and it would have been a nice, solitary, supervise-yourself kind of job. I also could have gone into work as early as four o’clock in the morning, leaving by noon. Perfect for me.
Unfortunately, it only paid $10 per hour, so I could not afford to take it.
I was finally faced with the necessity of getting a second job in order to pay daycare expenses for our new baby.
Around this same time, I began kicking around other options for my future. I basically had four choices: 1) Continue working as a paralegal, hoping to get some experience and move into a better paying law firm; 2) Keep searching for better paying jobs in different industries; 3) Apply again for graduate school and hope to start in 2007; or 4) Look into the option of attending a community college and getting certified to become a radiographer.
Several of my family members and friends had told me a number of times about Radiography. The job market is good, the pay is excellent, the health insurance is great, and there is no ball and chain connecting you to a cubicle desk for eight hours. It also offered a way to work with people in need and to help people – something that has become increasingly important to me in the last few years. It all sounded pretty good to me.
I was very hesitant, however, to make the step. For one thing, I needed to work a second job in order to pay my bills. Working a full-time job, a part-time job, and going to school three or four nights a week just was not possible. Furthermore, I felt nervous about the possibility of taking on an additional $40,000 in school loan debt, not to mention the “what if” scenarios surrounding whether or not I would ultimately like the job. I felt (and feel) certain that it is a job I would like, but you can never know for sure until you get into something. There was also still the question of whether or not I wanted to go to graduate school and teach college.
I finally decided that teaching college was not something I wanted to do. Students, papers, lectures, grading homework and tests, reading and evaluating student writing, tenure requirements...none of that sounded very appealing to me anymore. Where would I find time to do my own creative writing if I was busy teaching and guiding others all the time? It began to seem that Radiography would provide me the perfect situation – good pay, good insurance, strong job market, no desk or cubicle, and the free time outside of work to pursue my writing career.
So I finally set my fears and inhibitions aside and met with an admissions counselor at a local community college. My parents chipped in and agreed to help out with the daycare expenses. As such, I have enrolled in the Limited Medical Radiography program, which is a sort of precursor to the Radiologic Technology program. The LMR program takes five quarters and certifies you to be an X-ray technician in doctor’s offices and urgent treatment centers. If you choose to continue on into the Rad Tech program, you take an additional five or six quarters of classes and get an Associate’s degree, certifying you to administer digital scans such as MRI’s, CT Scans, and mammograms. The digital scans are where the money is.
I personally am hoping for a job working every day with Women’s Breasts.
I feel excited about having finally made the decision to do this, and I feel excited about being qualified to do a certain kind of job that most people cannot do. For so many years I have searched for jobs, feeling overqualified for everything, but not skilled at anything. It is a sad fact that one can have a college degree in this society but still have to go back to school to get an Associate’s degree just so they can find a job that pays well and does not make them miserable. I realize I made the conscious choice to major in a non-job-friendly field like History. But, at the time, I was assuming I would go to graduate school. I made the best choice I could make with the information I had at the time.
My first class experience in nine years was an interesting one. For starters, I was the only man in the classroom. The ages ranged from a group of young women in their early twenties to a couple of middle-aged women. The lecture consisted of a PowerPoint presentation where the instructor scrolled through various slides and read them more or less verbatim, offering a few comments here and there. We copied down what was on the screen.
If the presentation was less than stellar, the students (at least some of them) were even worse. One openly whined when she discovered we were expected to take notes (“You mean we gotta take notes??”), and several others seemed quite put out that we were having to write things down which may not “be on the test.” Another student (it might have been the same one who complained about having to take notes) asked whether the test consisted of only items in the notes, or if we would “have to read the book and stuff” too. Apparently, she did not want anything like reading to stand in the way of her education.
By the end of class, the instructor basically told us what the four “short answer” questions would be on the test, and told us the direct answers to those questions. She then quizzed us on a sampling of the “multiple choice” and “true and false” questions from the test. They consisted of questions like, “Normal temperature for an adult is a) 99.2, b) 96.4, c) 98.6, or d) 97.8.” Some were a bit more difficult than that, but all were taken directly from the notes we had just gone over in class.
The test is next Monday.
If you had told me back in May of 1997, right after I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in History from the academically-oriented private institution Georgetown College, that I would be returning to school at age 31 to get an Associate’s degree in Radiographic Technology, I would have said you were crazy. I always envisioned the possibility of returning to school, but I envisioned graduate school in either History or English, pursuing a Ph.D for the purpose of teaching at the collegiate level. Indeed, at this time last year, I was in the long and tedious process of applying for graduate schools in Creative Writing, hoping ultimately to be able to teach college while I continued to pursue my dream of writing full time.
Throughout my twenties, I had always said I would return to school at age thirty if nothing was going on with my writing career by that time. I wanted to focus, during my twenties, on strengthening my writing and learning my craft, and I knew that if I went to school, I would have to put writing on the back burner.
Despite always saying I would return to school at thirty, I never actually thought it would happen. I did not think I would be in a financial position to ever quit my job, or reduce my hours, to attend graduate school. I figured I would be “stuck” by being in a job where I made too much money to afford to quit.
Well, all that was taken care of for me in December of 2004 when I lost my job...two months to the day before my 30th birthday. It seemed rather Providential. After the normal period of panic that follows such an event, I very quickly began to see the situation as one that was freeing me from a sort of corporate prison. No longer did I have to be chained to a desk, doing a job I was overqualified for and which I hated, working for mean-spirited, domineering, and incompetent bosses. I was now free to pursue my dreams, to go back to school, and to get my life back on track. I swore to myself that I would never again sit at a desk for eight hours a day.
I took the GRE and scored very well, and afterward, I spent some time determining what I wanted to pursue in graduate school – History or Creative Writing. I ultimately settled on Creative Writing and set about applying to schools of my choice.
I went back to work in the late summer of 2005, waiting tables with the hopes of getting a bartending job in the future. No desk work for me. No sir.
But, as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
By December of 2005, my ex-wife and I had reconciled and gotten back together, and she was pregnant again. I was not making enough money waiting tables and had been unable to secure any positions as a bartender. So I decided to compromise on my No Desk Job rule and took a job as a Legal Assistant with a small law firm. The pay was not excellent, but it was better than I had been making waiting tables, and it was enough to get us by. After all, it was only going to be a 6-month job...by the summer, I would be moving, heading off to graduate school.
Winter turned to spring and after what seemed like ages, the graduate school letters began filtering in.
Rejection.
Rejection.
Rejection.
One after another: Dear Byron, Thank you for applying, blah blah blah blah blah. We wish you luck in your pathetic, ill-conceived writing career. Have a nice life, loser.
Needless to say, I was quite upset for a while when none of the schools accepted me. Instead of selling the house and moving, we would be staying put, with me spinning my wheels for at least another year. We seriously considered moving anyway, finding new jobs and going to Houston to be near my parents. But ultimately we decided that such a decision was not in our best interests, so we decided to stay in Lexington, and I started looking for better paying jobs.
Four months passed and I was (as usual) unable to find better work. I applied for everything from other paralegal jobs to driving a Scotts Lawn Service truck. I could not seem to get attention from anyone. The one job I did interview for (and probably could have gotten) was a job with a contractor working inside Home Depot, doing point of sale merchandising and inventory. It would have fit with my No Desk Job rule and it would have been a nice, solitary, supervise-yourself kind of job. I also could have gone into work as early as four o’clock in the morning, leaving by noon. Perfect for me.
Unfortunately, it only paid $10 per hour, so I could not afford to take it.
I was finally faced with the necessity of getting a second job in order to pay daycare expenses for our new baby.
Around this same time, I began kicking around other options for my future. I basically had four choices: 1) Continue working as a paralegal, hoping to get some experience and move into a better paying law firm; 2) Keep searching for better paying jobs in different industries; 3) Apply again for graduate school and hope to start in 2007; or 4) Look into the option of attending a community college and getting certified to become a radiographer.
Several of my family members and friends had told me a number of times about Radiography. The job market is good, the pay is excellent, the health insurance is great, and there is no ball and chain connecting you to a cubicle desk for eight hours. It also offered a way to work with people in need and to help people – something that has become increasingly important to me in the last few years. It all sounded pretty good to me.
I was very hesitant, however, to make the step. For one thing, I needed to work a second job in order to pay my bills. Working a full-time job, a part-time job, and going to school three or four nights a week just was not possible. Furthermore, I felt nervous about the possibility of taking on an additional $40,000 in school loan debt, not to mention the “what if” scenarios surrounding whether or not I would ultimately like the job. I felt (and feel) certain that it is a job I would like, but you can never know for sure until you get into something. There was also still the question of whether or not I wanted to go to graduate school and teach college.
I finally decided that teaching college was not something I wanted to do. Students, papers, lectures, grading homework and tests, reading and evaluating student writing, tenure requirements...none of that sounded very appealing to me anymore. Where would I find time to do my own creative writing if I was busy teaching and guiding others all the time? It began to seem that Radiography would provide me the perfect situation – good pay, good insurance, strong job market, no desk or cubicle, and the free time outside of work to pursue my writing career.
So I finally set my fears and inhibitions aside and met with an admissions counselor at a local community college. My parents chipped in and agreed to help out with the daycare expenses. As such, I have enrolled in the Limited Medical Radiography program, which is a sort of precursor to the Radiologic Technology program. The LMR program takes five quarters and certifies you to be an X-ray technician in doctor’s offices and urgent treatment centers. If you choose to continue on into the Rad Tech program, you take an additional five or six quarters of classes and get an Associate’s degree, certifying you to administer digital scans such as MRI’s, CT Scans, and mammograms. The digital scans are where the money is.
I personally am hoping for a job working every day with Women’s Breasts.
I feel excited about having finally made the decision to do this, and I feel excited about being qualified to do a certain kind of job that most people cannot do. For so many years I have searched for jobs, feeling overqualified for everything, but not skilled at anything. It is a sad fact that one can have a college degree in this society but still have to go back to school to get an Associate’s degree just so they can find a job that pays well and does not make them miserable. I realize I made the conscious choice to major in a non-job-friendly field like History. But, at the time, I was assuming I would go to graduate school. I made the best choice I could make with the information I had at the time.
My first class experience in nine years was an interesting one. For starters, I was the only man in the classroom. The ages ranged from a group of young women in their early twenties to a couple of middle-aged women. The lecture consisted of a PowerPoint presentation where the instructor scrolled through various slides and read them more or less verbatim, offering a few comments here and there. We copied down what was on the screen.
If the presentation was less than stellar, the students (at least some of them) were even worse. One openly whined when she discovered we were expected to take notes (“You mean we gotta take notes??”), and several others seemed quite put out that we were having to write things down which may not “be on the test.” Another student (it might have been the same one who complained about having to take notes) asked whether the test consisted of only items in the notes, or if we would “have to read the book and stuff” too. Apparently, she did not want anything like reading to stand in the way of her education.
By the end of class, the instructor basically told us what the four “short answer” questions would be on the test, and told us the direct answers to those questions. She then quizzed us on a sampling of the “multiple choice” and “true and false” questions from the test. They consisted of questions like, “Normal temperature for an adult is a) 99.2, b) 96.4, c) 98.6, or d) 97.8.” Some were a bit more difficult than that, but all were taken directly from the notes we had just gone over in class.
The test is next Monday.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Daily Update
Weight: 226
Currently Reading (fiction): The Templar Legacy, Steve Berry. Yet another Da Vinci Code knock off, and uncannily similar to Raymond Khoury’s The Last Templar, which was published at practically the same time. These two books not only have the same basic plot (modern academics searching for ancient Templar knowledge/artifacts with a group of crazed bad guys trying to beat them to it), but the two books even use the same opening quote, by Pope Leo X...“It has served us well, this myth of Christ.”
Currently Reading (non-fiction): Walking the Bible, Bruce Feiler.
Currently Listening To: The copier running.
Rush Lyric of the Day: Sliding back to consciousness, the coldness grips my skin.
Hailey Update: She told us last night that the reason she hasn’t been doing her schoolwork while at school is because she is afraid people will say “Good job.” So rather than draw attention to herself by doing her work, she prefers to just not do it.
School Update: I met with an admissions counselor at Spencerian last night, and am going to start taking classes in Radiology Technology starting on Tuesday. I should have my X-ray tech license by next fall, which will allow me to work in doctor’s offices or urgent treatment centers, doing x-rays, and at that time I can roll over into the digital scanning program, which will take an additional 15 months. When I’m through with that, I will be able to work in hospitals and clinics doing things like MRI’s, CT scans, and mammograms. I’m intimidated by all this, but I’m also excited. I think that this is something that I will enjoy, and it will give me job security for the rest of my career, as well as good money.
Money Update: Please make checks out in $1,000 intervals, made payable to me.
Lake Update: We went to the lake this weekend and stayed at the same house where we stayed back in August. There was very nice weather this time around (unlike last time, when it rained), and the temperature was perfect. We got out on the lake and also had a nice time back at the house. I got a lot of reading done while in the hot tub. Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera, so I didn’t get any nice pictures.
Today in History, September 20:
1187 – The Siege of Jerusalem begins, in which Saladin recaptures Jerusalem for the Arabs. Jesus is pissed. Muhammed is happy.
1378 – The Western Schism begins in the Catholic Church when cardinals opposed to the new Roman Pope Urban VI elect Cardinal Robert of Geneva as Clement VII, based on Avignon, France. Clement is considered an anti-pope (which is not to be confused with “anti-poop” which refers to Immodium AD).
1486 – Birth of Prince Arthur, eldest son of Henry VIII. If not for his untimely death in 1502, there never would have been a succession crisis following Henry VIII’s death, and Queen Elizabeth would never have taken the throne.
1519 – Ferdinand Magellan embarks on his circumnavigation of the globe, leaving out of the same southern Spanish town that Columbus had left from on his third trip across the Atlantic (which is sometimes referred to in academic circles as Columbus’s Third Trip To Go Scare Up Some New World Tail).
1881 – Chester A. Arthur is sworn in as the 21st president of the United States, following the death the previous day of James Garfield from a July gunshot wound that had never healed.
1939 – A gunner inside an RAF Fairey Battle bomber shoots down a Messerschmitt BF 109, recording the RAF’s first aerial victory in World War II.
1967 – Birth of twins Gunnar and Matthew Nelson, who single-handedly tried to destroy rock music in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s by forming a “band” and calling what they did “music.”
1973 – Billie Jean King beats Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the Sexes tennis match in Houston, Texas.
1973 – On the same day that Billie Jean beat Bobby, Jim Croce died in a plane crash north of Houston, in Natchitoches, Louisiana.
1993 – Death of Erich Hartmann, The Blonde Knight of Germany, who shot down a record 352 aircraft in World War II as a fighter pilot. He was shot down himself 14 times, but was never injured and was never forced to bail out. When asked what he was most proud of, as a fighter pilot, he replied that it was not his victories or his ability to escape injury, but rather the fact that he never lost a wingman. On the day he recorded his 300th victory, he shot down 11 total planes. He was one of only 27 Germans in World War II to receive the diamonds to his Knight’s Cross.
1998 – Cal Ripken, Jr. takes a voluntary day off after playing in 2,632 consecutive games.
Currently Reading (fiction): The Templar Legacy, Steve Berry. Yet another Da Vinci Code knock off, and uncannily similar to Raymond Khoury’s The Last Templar, which was published at practically the same time. These two books not only have the same basic plot (modern academics searching for ancient Templar knowledge/artifacts with a group of crazed bad guys trying to beat them to it), but the two books even use the same opening quote, by Pope Leo X...“It has served us well, this myth of Christ.”
Currently Reading (non-fiction): Walking the Bible, Bruce Feiler.
Currently Listening To: The copier running.
Rush Lyric of the Day: Sliding back to consciousness, the coldness grips my skin.
Hailey Update: She told us last night that the reason she hasn’t been doing her schoolwork while at school is because she is afraid people will say “Good job.” So rather than draw attention to herself by doing her work, she prefers to just not do it.
School Update: I met with an admissions counselor at Spencerian last night, and am going to start taking classes in Radiology Technology starting on Tuesday. I should have my X-ray tech license by next fall, which will allow me to work in doctor’s offices or urgent treatment centers, doing x-rays, and at that time I can roll over into the digital scanning program, which will take an additional 15 months. When I’m through with that, I will be able to work in hospitals and clinics doing things like MRI’s, CT scans, and mammograms. I’m intimidated by all this, but I’m also excited. I think that this is something that I will enjoy, and it will give me job security for the rest of my career, as well as good money.
Money Update: Please make checks out in $1,000 intervals, made payable to me.
Lake Update: We went to the lake this weekend and stayed at the same house where we stayed back in August. There was very nice weather this time around (unlike last time, when it rained), and the temperature was perfect. We got out on the lake and also had a nice time back at the house. I got a lot of reading done while in the hot tub. Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera, so I didn’t get any nice pictures.
Today in History, September 20:
1187 – The Siege of Jerusalem begins, in which Saladin recaptures Jerusalem for the Arabs. Jesus is pissed. Muhammed is happy.
1378 – The Western Schism begins in the Catholic Church when cardinals opposed to the new Roman Pope Urban VI elect Cardinal Robert of Geneva as Clement VII, based on Avignon, France. Clement is considered an anti-pope (which is not to be confused with “anti-poop” which refers to Immodium AD).
1486 – Birth of Prince Arthur, eldest son of Henry VIII. If not for his untimely death in 1502, there never would have been a succession crisis following Henry VIII’s death, and Queen Elizabeth would never have taken the throne.
1519 – Ferdinand Magellan embarks on his circumnavigation of the globe, leaving out of the same southern Spanish town that Columbus had left from on his third trip across the Atlantic (which is sometimes referred to in academic circles as Columbus’s Third Trip To Go Scare Up Some New World Tail).
1881 – Chester A. Arthur is sworn in as the 21st president of the United States, following the death the previous day of James Garfield from a July gunshot wound that had never healed.
1939 – A gunner inside an RAF Fairey Battle bomber shoots down a Messerschmitt BF 109, recording the RAF’s first aerial victory in World War II.
1967 – Birth of twins Gunnar and Matthew Nelson, who single-handedly tried to destroy rock music in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s by forming a “band” and calling what they did “music.”
1973 – Billie Jean King beats Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the Sexes tennis match in Houston, Texas.
1973 – On the same day that Billie Jean beat Bobby, Jim Croce died in a plane crash north of Houston, in Natchitoches, Louisiana.
1993 – Death of Erich Hartmann, The Blonde Knight of Germany, who shot down a record 352 aircraft in World War II as a fighter pilot. He was shot down himself 14 times, but was never injured and was never forced to bail out. When asked what he was most proud of, as a fighter pilot, he replied that it was not his victories or his ability to escape injury, but rather the fact that he never lost a wingman. On the day he recorded his 300th victory, he shot down 11 total planes. He was one of only 27 Germans in World War II to receive the diamonds to his Knight’s Cross.
1998 – Cal Ripken, Jr. takes a voluntary day off after playing in 2,632 consecutive games.
Friday, September 08, 2006
My Spritual Journey: A Testimony
I was born into a Christian family of the Southern Baptist tradition. My father was a church deacon, like his father before him. My father’s brother was a Southern Baptist preacher (now retired). We said a blessing before our meals, remembered every Christmas that Jesus was the Reason for the Season, and went to church twice on Sundays and then again on Wednesday. My parents both sang in the choir at church, were involved in “visitation” – which was a Tuesday night event in which church volunteers went to the homes of recent church visitors as well as the elderly and infirm – and my father served for a year or two as Sunday School Director of our rather large downtown church.
Our Sundays revolved entirely around church. We went to the early service, which started at 8:30, followed by an hour of Sunday School. Then we waited for my father to make his morning announcement on Sunday School attendance figures at the beginning of the 11:00 service, before finally going home for the afternoon. We were back by 4:30 or 5:00 for Church Training (a less formal evening version of Sunday School), and then the Sunday evening service. Slacks, dress shirts, and ties were required for the morning, but shorts and casual clothes could be worn in the evening.
I officially accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 9 or 10 years old, and was subsequently baptized.
In addition to the traditional Sunday School, Church Training, and Sunday services, I was involved in R.A.’s (Royal Ambassadors), which was a program for boys only, teaching boys how to be active and vibrant Christian young men. The female counterpart to R.A.’s was G.A.’s – which stood for what now seems like the rather Freudian moniker Girls in Action. R.A.’s and G.A.’s met on Wednesday nights.
Additionally, I was involved in Bible Drill. Bible Drill was a group that practiced knowledge about the bible, and competed on such topics as quoting bible verses, familiarity with bible stories, and speedily finding passages and books in the bible. I was the Bible Drill champion for my church and competed at the state Bible Drill competition, where I was defeated in the second round.
In addition to involvement in church, I attended Christian schools. From 1st grade through 5th grade, I attended Beuchel Christian School (which was renamed Alliance Christian Academy when I was in 3rd grade), and then Highview Baptist School from 6th to 7th grade. As I did at church, I competed in school sponsored Bible Drills, and was the undisputed champion.
We moved to Cincinnati in the summer of 1988, between my 7th and 8th grade years at school. Our first task, after securing a place to live, was to find “a church home.” We attended one church very close to our house for several weeks, but ultimately decided on a church that was some twenty minutes away, but which we felt was better suited to us. Our routine of church twice on Sundays and once on Wednesdays remained the same, and my father was again elected as a deacon, and my parents joined the choir.
As I moved into high school, I became very involved in the church youth group, participating not only in youth activities, but also in the youth choir and the youth handbell choir. Wednesday nights included handbell practice and participation in “HSBYM’s,” which stood for High School Baptist Young Men. The high school girls had their own version, called Acteens. HSBYM’s and Acteens were the high school version of the aforementioned G.A.’s and R.A.’s. When we did activities away from church, they were usually associated with HSBYM’s or Acteens (the girls, for instance, might go to the mall for a day of shopping, while the boys went on a weekend camping trip).
In the summers, the youth group would take a week-long trip of some type, either to do mission work such as “backyard bible clubs” in areas of the United States that needed witnessing, or we would attend a week-long, youth-oriented spiritual camp/retreat, sponsored by the Southern Baptist Convention, called Centrifuge. During my years in the youth group, we did mission work in Nashua, New Hampshire and Gaylord, Michigan. We also attended Centrifuge camps in Ridgecrest, North Carolina and Gulfport, Mississippi. I have very, very good memories from all of these trips (except for Nashua – I was unable to attend that trip due to a scheduled family vacation).
In high school, all my best friends were from my church. When I went out, it was with friends from church. When I had sleepovers, or camping trips, it involved groups from church. When I talked to my friends on the phone, it was friends from church. When I went to Friday night football games, it was with friends from church. My girlfriend, who is now my wife, also came from my church, and we began dating in 10th grade.
I was basically a good kid. I did not drink, smoke, go to parties, or do illegal drugs. I never had sex until I was married. I never got a speeding ticket or got arrested for anything. I got along fairly well with my parents, and rarely got into trouble at school.
My girlfriend’s parents had both attended Georgetown College, in Georgetown, Kentucky. Georgetown is a private, Southern Baptist school, very familiar to Baptists in Kentucky and the surrounding states. Since her parents had gone there, my girlfriend planned on going there as well. As such, I decided to go there too, so we could stay close together.
While at Georgetown, my girlfriend and I were involved in the Baptist Student Union, I played guitar for a Christian-oriented rock band (which played mainly in churches and Christian-oriented coffee shops), and I was involved in a local fraternity/social organization that was not Greek, but was instead a social organization for men, focusing on Academics, Brotherhood, and Christianity. We were regular attendees at the weekly student-led worship hour called Campus Praise, and I was involved from time to time with Campus Crusade for Christ and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes.
After college, my girlfriend and I married, and, living in Georgetown, we began attending the Baptist church we had sometimes frequented as students. My wife began working there as a Sunday School teacher, and I got involved as a leader in the youth group, specifically leading music for the youth group activities. Later, after moving to Lexington and switching to a Baptist church in Lexington, we got involved in an adult Sunday School class, and I played guitar in the morning service band.
I can remember questioning aspects of my belief system as early as 7 or 8 years old. It first began in the form of a confusing fear about my concepts of heaven. I did not understand the emotion at the time (indeed, I did not finally put it together until just a few years ago), but when I would contemplate living forever in heaven, on streets of gold lined with mansions, God on his throne, and Jesus and the Holy Spirit at his side, it gave me an unnatural sense of fear. I would dwell on the last verse of the familiar hymn Amazing Grace: When we’ve been there 10,000 years, bright shining as the sun, we’ve no less days to sing God’s praise, than when we first begun. I would dwell on this phrase and try to imagine living in heaven for 10,000 years, ten thousand years, and still being just as young, vibrant, and happy at the end as I had been at the beginning. And then starting over and going another 10,000 years. And then another, and another. On into infinity.
When I would contemplate these things at a young age, it would fill me with great dread. At the time, I did not know why. Now I do. It was not because I feared God would be angry with me because I was a sinner – nothing like that. No, I believe the fear was there because, though my young mind could not put voice to it, I understood on a subconscious and intellectual level that the traditional Baptist concept of heaven was absurd. And that subconscious knowledge terrified me because it tore at the very foundations of the belief system my parents had taught me.
Again, these are things I understand now...at the time, and indeed throughout my childhood and young adulthood, I never understood why the concept of eternal life scared me.
In high school, I remember feeling conflicted about my traditional belief in a six-day creation and my emerging understanding of evolution. My church, and my upbringing, taught me that evolution was a lie, but I began to feel that this was not a valid belief.
About 10th or 11th grade, I remember having an argument one Sunday morning in Sunday School. Our teacher was a man who had become a Christian as an adult, and, like so many who “find God” in adulthood, he was quite conservative and closed-minded. A friend of mine and I were arguing (actually, it was more my friend) that there was no reason to assume evolution could not have been God’s mechanism for creation. You would have thought we had just suggested that Jesus did not really die on the cross. We were informed by this teacher – someone whom I respected, liked, and looked up to quite a bit – that evolution is an atheist lie, Creation as described in the bible is true, and we should never, ever, ever consider evolution to be anything more than the devil’s attempt to sway us from our faith.
Despite this one Sunday School teacher, my church was rather progressive and moderate (at least, in comparison to other Baptist churches), and Georgetown College was (and is) a moderate-to-liberal private school. My parents had been stricter when my sister and I were young, but by high school they had loosened up considerably. We were never disallowed to see R-rated movies or watch as much television as we wanted, we had the freedom to listen to whatever music we wanted and to go out with our friends. We had a normal and happy childhood.
In college, I began to become much more open-minded, as is typical of a lot of people. When I was younger, I had looked down on those who did not go to church, or those who drank or liked to party. I become a lot less judgmental as a result of my college years, and I also began to see religion a bit more clearly, as the haze of childhood indoctrination began to clear. In religion classes I first learned about, and was fascinated by, the existence of the Nag Hammadi texts – the so-called Gnostic Gospels – those early Christian texts which were ultimately rejected in the 4th century for inclusion in the Christian bible.
But aside from learning about other ideas within Christianity, becoming less judgmental, and beginning to develop my intellectual abilities, college did not really change me much in terms of my religious beliefs. I still believed that Jesus was God’s divine son, born of a virgin, that he suffered and died on the cross for my sins, and was raised on the third day so that I might live eternally if I accepted the gift of grace.
It was not until I became an adult, got out into the “real” world of jobs and marriage and children, that I began to truly question my beliefs. I began to wonder about things such as the formation of the bible, why certain books were chosen and others were rejected, and what was contained in those other books. I began, especially, to feel conflicted about prayer.
I had always been a person who prayed a lot. I did not feel comfortable going to bed unless I had said my nightly prayer. I had relied on prayer my entire life during times of struggle and fear. I had always had a very strong belief that the reason I was healthy, financially stable, and had a wonderful and healthy family was because I had prayed for those things. I felt that if I missed a nightly or daily prayer, something tragic might happen because I would not have God’s special protection on me and my family. To stave this off, I occasionally prayed for good health and safekeeping, not just for the particular day in question, but for the “months and weeks ahead.” That way, if I missed a day, I was still covered.
But as I got into my mid-20’s, much of what I had always lived by, regarding prayer, began to crumble. It was not that tragedies began to befall me despite my prayers, but I simply started being unable to reconcile my growing intellectualism, rationality, and questioning nature with my traditional ideas about prayer. I began to wonder if my “blessings” in life really had anything to do with God, and were not instead just good luck. Why would God, after all, bless me, but not bless others? Why did I have a wonderful family, grow up with plenty of money, have a good job, a nice house, two cars, and plenty of food to eat, while others had abusive parents, cheating spouses, and ratholes for homes? Why did God bless me with good health, but other people keeled over from heart attacks? Why did God have a plan for my life, to make me successful and happy, when so many other people were failures and unhappy? And if God had a plan for my life, and for everyone’s life, how could you explain people who died young, before ever accomplishing anything? The little boy I knew in first grade who had cancer and may have later died (I never knew if he died or not, but he was no longer around after 1st grade)...was God’s “plan” for his life to get cancer at age 6 and die?
I began to question if what I perceived as “answered prayer” was really answered prayer at all, and not just coincidence. Why, when good things happened, did I attribute it to God, but when bad things happened, I argued that it was not God’s fault – that “bad things happen to good people”? If God is capable of answering prayers, but just chooses not to most of the time, what kind of God is he? If God is capable of stopping natural disasters, but chooses not to, what kind of God is he? If God is capable of curing sick children, and chooses not to, what kind of God is he? And when a sick child does get cured, and we attribute it to God’s power or to answered prayers, are we suggesting that God chooses to cure some sick children and not others? If I survive a tornado, and someone else dies, does that mean God wanted me to live but did not care about the other person? Yet, in society, we do this and hear this sort of thing all the time. “God was really watching out for me during that car wreck,” and “I just want to thank God for this award,” and “God really helped me during that game.”
These sorts of questions began to plague my consciousness. I felt I simply could not reconcile these traditional concepts of prayer with what I knew to be true about the world and reality. I began to see the hypocrisy in religious circles of attributing good things to the power of prayer, and deflecting all the bad things with platitudes. If God is responsible for curing one cancer patient, then he must also be responsible for not curing another patient and allowing them, instead, to die. You cannot have it both ways. I began to see that those diseases and illnesses that God always seemed to cure were the diseases and illnesses that modern medicine was able to cure. God never seems to miraculously cure a quadriplegic, for instance, or someone suffering from Lou Gehrig’s Disease, Cerebral Palsy, or AIDS. If God is responsible for the cancer patient who survives, or the gravely injured car accident victim who manages to recover, or the stroke patient who returns to full functionality, then why does he fail to cure any patients with chronic, incurable diseases? Again, only those diseases which modern medicine can cure are ever “cured” by God.
The obvious answer to this conundrum is that God is not involved in the healing process at all. The healing process, instead, is based on modern medicine, good health care, genetic make-up, mental and emotional stability, and the nature of the disease itself. Even when patients seemingly make “miraculous recoveries” from illnesses or diseases from which there seemed no hope, it is always a disease that is curable to start with. It’s never the Lou Gherig’s Disease patient, or the AIDS patient, or the cirrhosis patient, or the patient with black lung. We never see miraculous recoveries from blindness, deafness, AIDS, Multiple Sclerosis, or Diabetes. Is God prejudiced against people with those diseases? If God is involved in the healing process, why do not we see miraculous recoveries from diseases like that? It must be that God is not involved in the process at all. Instead it is a combination of drugs, treatment, emotional and biological make-up, and the nature of the disease itself.
With these sorts of issues and questions floating around inside my head for a number of years, I began to see other problems with my traditional concepts of God. Why is the God of the New Testament so incredibly different than the God of the Old Testament? In the New Testament, we see a God of love, compassion, mercy, grace, and caring. Indeed, in modern Christian circles, this is the concept of God that most of us have. Yet, the God of the Old Testament was frequently angry, jealous, capricious, petty, concerned with only his own chosen race of people, diabolical, and even murderous. If God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, as is frequently stated in Christian circles, then why did he change so drastically from the Old to the New Testament? Did God change, or did our concept of God change?
In the Old Testament, God does some pretty despicable things. His actions in the various famous stories of the Old Testament – such as the Exodus and the destruction of Jericho – are frequently downright evil. In the story of the Exodus, God uses Moses to rain down plague after plague on the population of Egypt. The Pharaoh continually agrees to let the Hebrews go, but then always “hardens his heart” before it actually happens. So then God sends more plagues. Exodus 10, verses 1 and 2, says the following:
Then the LORD said to Moses, “Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart and the hearts of his officials so that I may perform these miraculous signs of mine among them that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians and how I performed my signs among them, and that you may know that I am the LORD.”
This passage makes it clear that God actually took Pharaoh’s free will away, and hardened his heart, so that he could continue to rain plagues on the innocent people of Egypt, in order to perform signs for future generations of Hebrews. Time and time again in the story of the plagues, the text says that “God hardened Pharaoh’s heart.” Pharaoh, clearly, had no choice in the matter regarding his actions. He was merely the puppet of an angry God, bent on proving a point.
And it does not stop there, of course. The final plague is the most diabolical of all. Celebrated by Jews to this day, and also an integral part of the Christian story, Passover commemorates when God went through Egypt and slaughtered Egyptian babies en masse, sparing the Jewish babies. Do we really worship a God who murders babies? Does the God of love, compassion, and kindness murder innocent children by the tens of thousands?
Finally, God tops off his diabolical deeds by “hardening Pharaoh’s heart” again and causing Pharaoh to send his army out after the fleeing Israelites. Moses parts the Red Sea, the Hebrews go through, and then just as Pharaoh’s army follows them, the sea rushes back in, drowning them all.
God is love, God is compassion, God is kindness. Unless you are an Egyptian. Then God is on a level with Hitler, Stalin, or Vlad the Impaler.
In this story, God takes away Pharaoh’s free will, forces him to oppress the Israelites, and then punishes him for that oppression by sending plague upon plague against the general population, culminating with the slaughter of tens of thousands of innocent children, and the drowning of an entire army of soldiers.
Praise God!
As if that is not already enough, as we move on in the Old Testament to the story of Jericho, we have a story where God makes one army defeat another army (killing thousands in the process), and God actually suspends the laws of nature by making the “sun stand still in the sky” so that Joshua and his army can have more daylight by which to slaughter the inhabitants of Jericho (and let’s not even discuss the mistake in assuming the sun is moving in the sky at all...clearly the writer of this story believed the earth was fixed in space, with the heavens rotating around it). God allows the army of the Israelites to defeat the much stronger army of Jericho, and overrun the city. God had promised the city to the Israelites, so the people who were already there were just, apparently, out of luck.
Events like this go on and on. Elijah is given the responsibility of slaughtering the prophets of Baal; the entire cities of Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed, with all the inhabitants, including the children; God routinely afflicts people – even wayward Israelites – with plagues and death for committing various sins.
As I looked at and considered all these things, I began to question if this is the kind of God I really want to worship.
And what about the New Testament? It is rather disturbing that in order to save us all from our sins, God required the sacrifice of his son, Jesus. It is reminiscent of ancient death cults whose gods required blood and human flesh. We complete that bizarre tradition by “eating the flesh and drinking the blood” every week in our Lord’s Supper ritual. If God wanted to save the world from its sins, why did Jesus have to die? If God is all-powerful, could he not just wave his hand and make it be so? The death of Jesus seems sort of unnecessary. We are taught that God wants everyone to be saved, and that God loves everyone equally. If this is true, why the shenanigans with Jesus? Why not just say, “Everyone’s saved!” and be done with it? By requiring Jesus’s death, and then requiring us to “accept Jesus,” God is, in fact, ensuring that the majority of people on earth will not get to heaven. That does not seem like the action of an all-loving God, who wants to spend eternity in heaven with everyone.
As I struggled with these thoughts and doubts, I felt very conflicted inside. I felt like I was “losing my faith” or “losing my salvation” and I felt very scared to face a life without the comforting beliefs of my childhood. But much as I wanted those beliefs, I could not make myself believe something that I was rationally and logically unable to believe. Believing in Santa Claus would be wonderful, but what adult can believe in Santa Claus? In fact, it would seem that the Santa Claus idea is really just “God for kids.” An all loving, all seeing, immortal father figure, who rewards our good behavior. As we grow up, we sort of “graduate” from Santa Claus to God. But we think Santa Claus is just a myth, while simultaneously believing whole-heartedly in God, even though there is not much difference between the two, when you strip away all the meat.
When I got divorced, these conflicting feelings only got worse. I feared I was becoming an atheist, even against my will. I did not want to be an atheist, but I felt that I could not believe in a God who seemed so capricious, so prejudiced, so murderous and evil, so unpredictable, so utterly silent, and so completely unreachable. Nothing in my traditional background seemed to make sense anymore. Virgins do not give birth, people do come back to life after dying and beginning to rot in the tomb, and God cannot be the God of love, compassion, and kindness if he has really done all the terrible things attributed to him in the bible.
And the typical platitudes handed out by the church, such as “God works in mysterious ways,” “Bad things happen to good people,” and “We just cannot know the answers until we get to heaven,” did not work for me anymore.
I was at a spiritual crossroads.
I could either reject God all together, or I could begin to redefine my understanding of what God was, what God did, and how a concept of God was applicable to my life.
I began reading a lot of books on biblical scholarship. I read books by biblical scholars like Elaine Pagels and Marcus Borg. I read books by historians like Charles Freeman. I read books by theologians like the Reverend John Shelby Spong. But I did not limit my reading to only the progressives and academics. I read The Case for Christ, by evangelical preacher Lee Strobel. I read The Purpose-Driven Life, by traditionalist, and mega-church pastor, Rich Warren. I read Velvet Elvis, by the moderate Rob Bell, pastor of a large nondenominational church in Michigan. And I read books by Christian writers Anne Lamott and Donald Miller.
I also branched out into other religious traditions. I read books on Islam, Jewish Mysticism, and quite a few on Buddhism. I studied books comparing the teachings of Jesus to the teachings of Buddha. I delved into the Gnostic Gospels, reading the various different interpretations of Jesus’s life that existed in the first few centuries after his death. (I was surprised to discover that Gnostic beliefs and congregations were far more widespread in the first three centuries after Jesus’s death than Orthodoxy. It was not until Orthodoxy got into the pants of Constantine in the early 300’s that Orthodox interpretations of Jesus’s life became the mainstream version of events that we know today.)
Throughout this period of heavy religious-oriented reading (which continues to this day), I began to develop a new kind of spirituality, and new understanding of God.
Where before I had been conflicted, confused, angry, sad, and scared, I now began to develop a new peace with God, and with my spiritual beliefs. Atheism no longer loomed as a specter at the end of my spiritual journey. Instead, I found new life, and a new path, through a new understanding of God, Jesus, and the nature of the sacred.
I came to view God not as the Big Man in the Sky of traditional Christianity, but as the very essence of life, love, and being. God is the energy behind the emotion we call love, the driving force that breathes life into the world, and the ground of all being. God is not a theistic, supernatural entity, living up in the sky somewhere, intervening at his whim in affairs on earth. God is within us, all around us, an integral part of our very existence. We are part of God, and God is part of us. And when we begin to seek God, to explore the spiritual side of ourselves, we can awaken to this God-nature within us. We are not God, but we are a part of God. Just as water is the ground of being for a wave, God is the ground of our being. And our lives, like the wave, are merely a manifestation of God’s presence.
Like water to the wave, the core of our being transcends the boundaries of birth and death. I do believe in life after death, although not the traditional Christian concepts of a heaven with mansion-lined golden streets for the good people, and a hell of eternal fire and torment for the bad people. I believe that our souls, perhaps our consciousness, will live on in some way, though I cannot describe how.
I do not believe that Jesus was the divine Son of God, or God in the flesh. I believe Jesus was fully human, conceived by a man and a woman, and born into a normal 1st century Jewish family. I believe he grew to become an alternate wisdom teacher, faith healer, and an activist for socio-religious change in his society. I do not believe he was trying to invent a new religion, nor do I believe that he likely ever made any claims of divinity. He may have used Jewish messianic language to refer to himself, but not in the sense of being God’s son and coming to earth to save sinners.
I do believe Jesus had a unique capacity to love and to give himself away. I believe he was arrested and brought to trial for stirring up dissent and angering the religious powers that be, and I believe his episode in the temple where he ousted the moneychangers was probably used by his enemies in order to have legal reasons to imprison him. I think it is possible he may have been trying to get arrested, without realizing it would end in execution. Once execution became eminent, I believe that he faced it with dignity and grace, and I believe he was, indeed, willing to die for his message.
I do not believe that Jesus was raised from the dead after he died, at least not physically. I believe in a resurrection of the spirit – the resurrection as a metaphorical tool to describe how the power of Jesus’s teachings transcends the boundaries of birth and death.
I believe the miraculous and divine language attributed to Jesus in the bible is the result of a growing mythology surrounding Jesus in the decades after his death, as well as later additions to the original texts by scribes and later writers. Following his unexpected and tragic death, I believe Jesus’s followers were seeking to understand the greater meaning of his life and what it meant for their lives, and I believe they drew on distinctly Jewish understandings of spirituality to form the basic theology that would become Christianity (the idea of a sacrificial lamb, being “washed in the blood” and cleansed of sin, and so on).
I come to God through the person of Jesus of Nazareth, and through the background of the Christian tradition. I find the essence of love, the essence of life, and the ground of all being within the life of Jesus of Nazareth. If I had to label myself, I would call myself a progressive Buddhist Christian. I practice Christianity flavored with the meditative tradition of Buddhism. I believe that Jesus of Nazareth was awake in God in a unique and powerful way. I believe that Jesus expressed God through loving completely and unconditionally and bringing life to those he came in contact with. “I come not to condemn the world,” Jesus said, “but to save it.” He also said, “I have come so that you may have life, and have it more abundantly.” Through the teachings and life of Jesus, I am encouraged to love with the core of my being, to give myself away to others, to live my life to the fullest in every moment, and to be all that I can be. When I do those things, I am communing with God.
I practice Buddhist meditation as a way to open my mind, release myself from common but faulty notions of self and materialism, and as a way to touch the transcendence of God. I believe meditation is spiritually and physically healthy, and I believe it leads to a better ability to be compassionate, loving, and in tune with the essence of God.
While I come to God through Jesus and the tradition of Christianity, I do not believe that Jesus or the Christian tradition is the only pathway to God. I believe that all religions are pointing to the same goal – to God, to the source of love, life, and being. I believe Jesus was uniquely in touch with the spirit of God, but I also believe there are other “Jesus figures” in history and in the world. Among these are Moses and the Jewish patriarchs, the Buddha, Mohammed, and even modern individuals like Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Jr., and the Buddhist peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh. I believe that God can be reached through an array of religious traditions, and I believe that any claims to religious exclusivity are absurd, hypocritical, and blasphemous. Claiming that one or another religious tradition offers the only pathway to God is boxing God into a tiny cultural coffin, and limiting God’s manifest reality. God is greater than any religious tradition we try to cram God into.
God is neither male nor female, and using masculine pronouns to refer to God is not only inaccurate, but it perpetuates the concept of a male-dominated society. God is not a being of any kind, and is therefore genderless. Referring to God as a “he” would be like referring to the emotion love as a “he.” I prefer to not use pronouns at all to refer to God, but if I do, I use “it.” But even that is not accurate, because it implies that God is a “thing” or “being” of some type. I do not believe that God is an object or being in any human sense, thus, pronouns of any type are not applicable.
I do not believe the bible is the infallible, inspired word of God. I believe it is a compilation of spiritual texts, written over the course of a thousand years, by a group of people whose lives were infused with God and notions of God. I believe it is testament to the tenacity of the Hebrew people, and to their inherent spirituality. I believe it is a collection of writings wherein the ancient Hebrews were attempting to understand their world and their place in the world, and to describe their experiences with the transcendent. I believe the bible is a beautiful book, with a lot of spiritual usefulness to our modern lives, but it has been abused, misused, and misinterpreted for two thousand years. The bible is not infallible, nor is it Life’s Ultimate Rule Book. Viewing the bible like that, in my opinion, is the essence of blasphemy and idolatry.
My descriptions of God as the essence of life, love, and being, are not the end of the discussion. I believe that God is ultimately beyond human description. Human language can express experiences with God, but cannot define God. A horse could describe to another horse what its experiences with humans were like, but it could not describe to another horse what it meant to be a human being. So it is with humans and God. God is beyond our ability to comprehend or define. We can only describe our experiences with God’s transcendence. In the ancient, pre-Newtonian world, describing God as a divine being with supernatural power was reasonable. In our post-Newtonian, post-modern world, however, those definitions are no longer valid. That does not mean God is no longer valid, merely that our understandings of God must be redefined and updated. Ultimately, all definitions and descriptions fail. But that does not mean we should stop trying. It will be up to the next generation to describe God in a way that makes sense for them.
The worst thing humans can do is to believe that they have finally and ultimately defined what God is, and figured out how God works. The institution of the Church has, through its actions and theologies over the centuries, essentially made this fallacious claim. I believe such claims are hypocritical and even blasphemous. God is greater than our human definitions of God.
As for the Church, as an institution, I believe it is a lesson in hypocrisy. It has picked the bible apart according to its need. Women are not allowed to be preachers because it says so in the bible, but the pursuit of wealth and possessions is just fine, even though Jesus preaches against this time and time again. Homosexuality is wrong, because it says so in the bible, but self-righteousness, evangelistic piety, and religious legalism is okay, even though Jesus continually fights people (the Pharisees) who were just like this. Evolution is wrong, because Creation is described in the bible, but pre-emptive wars, torture, and capital punishment are okay, even though the bible says “Thou shalt not kill” and Jesus preaches a message of peace, compassion, forgiveness, and non-violence (not to mention the fact that he was a victim, himself, of capital punishment).
I frequently question whether most Christians know anything about Jesus at all. The What Would Jesus Do fad seems utterly hypocritical, and I believe that the Church, as an institution, has basically created its own version of Jesus...the Jesus it needs to support its power over people’s lives. I see church parking lots full of expensive cars and SUV’s, church goers dressed in expensive dresses and suits, carrying Gucci handbags and wearing gold, silver, and diamond jewelry. I see Christians living in enormous houses, spending thousands of dollars on pools, private golf course memberships, home electronics, boats, and gadgets – believing, all along, that their wealth and success is a direct blessing from God for their piety. Indeed, the very “God Bless America” sentiment implies that our country has special favor with God, and we have been rewarded accordingly with prosperity, wealth, economic stability, and military might. Mormonism, as a matter of fact, holds that America is a sort of “new Promised Land,” chosen and handpicked by God.
I see churches building multi-million dollar sanctuaries, and placing $300,000 decorative fountains in their front yards, while homeless people panhandle for food across the street. Indeed, the streets continue to fill with the poor, the hungry, the destitute, and the middle classes continue to sink farther and farther behind the wealthy.
The Church, and its members, make themselves feel better about these things by the occasional mission trip to Honduras, the occasional loose change dropped into the Ronald McDonald box at the drive-thru, the occasional bag of old, ratty clothes dropped off to Goodwill, and the occasional donation made to the Red Cross or the Salvation Army at Christmas time.
We, as Christians, have made God and Jesus into what we want them to be...we have ignored much of Jesus’s teachings, picking out the pieces we need to support our extravagant and self-absorbed lifestyles, while conveniently ignoring Jesus’s teachings about all-consuming love, compassion, acceptance, openness, forgiveness, mercy, and pouring ourselves into the service of others.
A true follower of Jesus would make love the center of her life. A true follower of Jesus would put others first, all the time, and himself second. A true follower of Jesus would give up the pursuit of wealth and worldly possessions, and instead focus on helping others. A true follower of Jesus would love utterly and wastefully, without condition, one hundred percent of the time. A true follower of Jesus would work to bring the fullness of life and love to the people of the world.
So this is what I attempt to do. I am only human, and I fail frequently. But the goal of my spirituality is to love like Jesus loved, to live like Jesus lived, and to give myself completely to others. I believe the kingdom of God promised in the bible is not about life after death. I believe it is about life in the here and now. Indeed, I believe that the message of Jesus is about having life now, and having it more abundantly. It is not about promises of golden streets and cheating death. It is about awakening to the existence of God within us, about seeing the world through the eyes of God, about learning to live compassionately, and plunging – through the example of Jesus – into the fullness of life with God.
Our Sundays revolved entirely around church. We went to the early service, which started at 8:30, followed by an hour of Sunday School. Then we waited for my father to make his morning announcement on Sunday School attendance figures at the beginning of the 11:00 service, before finally going home for the afternoon. We were back by 4:30 or 5:00 for Church Training (a less formal evening version of Sunday School), and then the Sunday evening service. Slacks, dress shirts, and ties were required for the morning, but shorts and casual clothes could be worn in the evening.
I officially accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 9 or 10 years old, and was subsequently baptized.
In addition to the traditional Sunday School, Church Training, and Sunday services, I was involved in R.A.’s (Royal Ambassadors), which was a program for boys only, teaching boys how to be active and vibrant Christian young men. The female counterpart to R.A.’s was G.A.’s – which stood for what now seems like the rather Freudian moniker Girls in Action. R.A.’s and G.A.’s met on Wednesday nights.
Additionally, I was involved in Bible Drill. Bible Drill was a group that practiced knowledge about the bible, and competed on such topics as quoting bible verses, familiarity with bible stories, and speedily finding passages and books in the bible. I was the Bible Drill champion for my church and competed at the state Bible Drill competition, where I was defeated in the second round.
In addition to involvement in church, I attended Christian schools. From 1st grade through 5th grade, I attended Beuchel Christian School (which was renamed Alliance Christian Academy when I was in 3rd grade), and then Highview Baptist School from 6th to 7th grade. As I did at church, I competed in school sponsored Bible Drills, and was the undisputed champion.
We moved to Cincinnati in the summer of 1988, between my 7th and 8th grade years at school. Our first task, after securing a place to live, was to find “a church home.” We attended one church very close to our house for several weeks, but ultimately decided on a church that was some twenty minutes away, but which we felt was better suited to us. Our routine of church twice on Sundays and once on Wednesdays remained the same, and my father was again elected as a deacon, and my parents joined the choir.
As I moved into high school, I became very involved in the church youth group, participating not only in youth activities, but also in the youth choir and the youth handbell choir. Wednesday nights included handbell practice and participation in “HSBYM’s,” which stood for High School Baptist Young Men. The high school girls had their own version, called Acteens. HSBYM’s and Acteens were the high school version of the aforementioned G.A.’s and R.A.’s. When we did activities away from church, they were usually associated with HSBYM’s or Acteens (the girls, for instance, might go to the mall for a day of shopping, while the boys went on a weekend camping trip).
In the summers, the youth group would take a week-long trip of some type, either to do mission work such as “backyard bible clubs” in areas of the United States that needed witnessing, or we would attend a week-long, youth-oriented spiritual camp/retreat, sponsored by the Southern Baptist Convention, called Centrifuge. During my years in the youth group, we did mission work in Nashua, New Hampshire and Gaylord, Michigan. We also attended Centrifuge camps in Ridgecrest, North Carolina and Gulfport, Mississippi. I have very, very good memories from all of these trips (except for Nashua – I was unable to attend that trip due to a scheduled family vacation).
In high school, all my best friends were from my church. When I went out, it was with friends from church. When I had sleepovers, or camping trips, it involved groups from church. When I talked to my friends on the phone, it was friends from church. When I went to Friday night football games, it was with friends from church. My girlfriend, who is now my wife, also came from my church, and we began dating in 10th grade.
I was basically a good kid. I did not drink, smoke, go to parties, or do illegal drugs. I never had sex until I was married. I never got a speeding ticket or got arrested for anything. I got along fairly well with my parents, and rarely got into trouble at school.
My girlfriend’s parents had both attended Georgetown College, in Georgetown, Kentucky. Georgetown is a private, Southern Baptist school, very familiar to Baptists in Kentucky and the surrounding states. Since her parents had gone there, my girlfriend planned on going there as well. As such, I decided to go there too, so we could stay close together.
While at Georgetown, my girlfriend and I were involved in the Baptist Student Union, I played guitar for a Christian-oriented rock band (which played mainly in churches and Christian-oriented coffee shops), and I was involved in a local fraternity/social organization that was not Greek, but was instead a social organization for men, focusing on Academics, Brotherhood, and Christianity. We were regular attendees at the weekly student-led worship hour called Campus Praise, and I was involved from time to time with Campus Crusade for Christ and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes.
After college, my girlfriend and I married, and, living in Georgetown, we began attending the Baptist church we had sometimes frequented as students. My wife began working there as a Sunday School teacher, and I got involved as a leader in the youth group, specifically leading music for the youth group activities. Later, after moving to Lexington and switching to a Baptist church in Lexington, we got involved in an adult Sunday School class, and I played guitar in the morning service band.
I can remember questioning aspects of my belief system as early as 7 or 8 years old. It first began in the form of a confusing fear about my concepts of heaven. I did not understand the emotion at the time (indeed, I did not finally put it together until just a few years ago), but when I would contemplate living forever in heaven, on streets of gold lined with mansions, God on his throne, and Jesus and the Holy Spirit at his side, it gave me an unnatural sense of fear. I would dwell on the last verse of the familiar hymn Amazing Grace: When we’ve been there 10,000 years, bright shining as the sun, we’ve no less days to sing God’s praise, than when we first begun. I would dwell on this phrase and try to imagine living in heaven for 10,000 years, ten thousand years, and still being just as young, vibrant, and happy at the end as I had been at the beginning. And then starting over and going another 10,000 years. And then another, and another. On into infinity.
When I would contemplate these things at a young age, it would fill me with great dread. At the time, I did not know why. Now I do. It was not because I feared God would be angry with me because I was a sinner – nothing like that. No, I believe the fear was there because, though my young mind could not put voice to it, I understood on a subconscious and intellectual level that the traditional Baptist concept of heaven was absurd. And that subconscious knowledge terrified me because it tore at the very foundations of the belief system my parents had taught me.
Again, these are things I understand now...at the time, and indeed throughout my childhood and young adulthood, I never understood why the concept of eternal life scared me.
In high school, I remember feeling conflicted about my traditional belief in a six-day creation and my emerging understanding of evolution. My church, and my upbringing, taught me that evolution was a lie, but I began to feel that this was not a valid belief.
About 10th or 11th grade, I remember having an argument one Sunday morning in Sunday School. Our teacher was a man who had become a Christian as an adult, and, like so many who “find God” in adulthood, he was quite conservative and closed-minded. A friend of mine and I were arguing (actually, it was more my friend) that there was no reason to assume evolution could not have been God’s mechanism for creation. You would have thought we had just suggested that Jesus did not really die on the cross. We were informed by this teacher – someone whom I respected, liked, and looked up to quite a bit – that evolution is an atheist lie, Creation as described in the bible is true, and we should never, ever, ever consider evolution to be anything more than the devil’s attempt to sway us from our faith.
Despite this one Sunday School teacher, my church was rather progressive and moderate (at least, in comparison to other Baptist churches), and Georgetown College was (and is) a moderate-to-liberal private school. My parents had been stricter when my sister and I were young, but by high school they had loosened up considerably. We were never disallowed to see R-rated movies or watch as much television as we wanted, we had the freedom to listen to whatever music we wanted and to go out with our friends. We had a normal and happy childhood.
In college, I began to become much more open-minded, as is typical of a lot of people. When I was younger, I had looked down on those who did not go to church, or those who drank or liked to party. I become a lot less judgmental as a result of my college years, and I also began to see religion a bit more clearly, as the haze of childhood indoctrination began to clear. In religion classes I first learned about, and was fascinated by, the existence of the Nag Hammadi texts – the so-called Gnostic Gospels – those early Christian texts which were ultimately rejected in the 4th century for inclusion in the Christian bible.
But aside from learning about other ideas within Christianity, becoming less judgmental, and beginning to develop my intellectual abilities, college did not really change me much in terms of my religious beliefs. I still believed that Jesus was God’s divine son, born of a virgin, that he suffered and died on the cross for my sins, and was raised on the third day so that I might live eternally if I accepted the gift of grace.
It was not until I became an adult, got out into the “real” world of jobs and marriage and children, that I began to truly question my beliefs. I began to wonder about things such as the formation of the bible, why certain books were chosen and others were rejected, and what was contained in those other books. I began, especially, to feel conflicted about prayer.
I had always been a person who prayed a lot. I did not feel comfortable going to bed unless I had said my nightly prayer. I had relied on prayer my entire life during times of struggle and fear. I had always had a very strong belief that the reason I was healthy, financially stable, and had a wonderful and healthy family was because I had prayed for those things. I felt that if I missed a nightly or daily prayer, something tragic might happen because I would not have God’s special protection on me and my family. To stave this off, I occasionally prayed for good health and safekeeping, not just for the particular day in question, but for the “months and weeks ahead.” That way, if I missed a day, I was still covered.
But as I got into my mid-20’s, much of what I had always lived by, regarding prayer, began to crumble. It was not that tragedies began to befall me despite my prayers, but I simply started being unable to reconcile my growing intellectualism, rationality, and questioning nature with my traditional ideas about prayer. I began to wonder if my “blessings” in life really had anything to do with God, and were not instead just good luck. Why would God, after all, bless me, but not bless others? Why did I have a wonderful family, grow up with plenty of money, have a good job, a nice house, two cars, and plenty of food to eat, while others had abusive parents, cheating spouses, and ratholes for homes? Why did God bless me with good health, but other people keeled over from heart attacks? Why did God have a plan for my life, to make me successful and happy, when so many other people were failures and unhappy? And if God had a plan for my life, and for everyone’s life, how could you explain people who died young, before ever accomplishing anything? The little boy I knew in first grade who had cancer and may have later died (I never knew if he died or not, but he was no longer around after 1st grade)...was God’s “plan” for his life to get cancer at age 6 and die?
I began to question if what I perceived as “answered prayer” was really answered prayer at all, and not just coincidence. Why, when good things happened, did I attribute it to God, but when bad things happened, I argued that it was not God’s fault – that “bad things happen to good people”? If God is capable of answering prayers, but just chooses not to most of the time, what kind of God is he? If God is capable of stopping natural disasters, but chooses not to, what kind of God is he? If God is capable of curing sick children, and chooses not to, what kind of God is he? And when a sick child does get cured, and we attribute it to God’s power or to answered prayers, are we suggesting that God chooses to cure some sick children and not others? If I survive a tornado, and someone else dies, does that mean God wanted me to live but did not care about the other person? Yet, in society, we do this and hear this sort of thing all the time. “God was really watching out for me during that car wreck,” and “I just want to thank God for this award,” and “God really helped me during that game.”
These sorts of questions began to plague my consciousness. I felt I simply could not reconcile these traditional concepts of prayer with what I knew to be true about the world and reality. I began to see the hypocrisy in religious circles of attributing good things to the power of prayer, and deflecting all the bad things with platitudes. If God is responsible for curing one cancer patient, then he must also be responsible for not curing another patient and allowing them, instead, to die. You cannot have it both ways. I began to see that those diseases and illnesses that God always seemed to cure were the diseases and illnesses that modern medicine was able to cure. God never seems to miraculously cure a quadriplegic, for instance, or someone suffering from Lou Gehrig’s Disease, Cerebral Palsy, or AIDS. If God is responsible for the cancer patient who survives, or the gravely injured car accident victim who manages to recover, or the stroke patient who returns to full functionality, then why does he fail to cure any patients with chronic, incurable diseases? Again, only those diseases which modern medicine can cure are ever “cured” by God.
The obvious answer to this conundrum is that God is not involved in the healing process at all. The healing process, instead, is based on modern medicine, good health care, genetic make-up, mental and emotional stability, and the nature of the disease itself. Even when patients seemingly make “miraculous recoveries” from illnesses or diseases from which there seemed no hope, it is always a disease that is curable to start with. It’s never the Lou Gherig’s Disease patient, or the AIDS patient, or the cirrhosis patient, or the patient with black lung. We never see miraculous recoveries from blindness, deafness, AIDS, Multiple Sclerosis, or Diabetes. Is God prejudiced against people with those diseases? If God is involved in the healing process, why do not we see miraculous recoveries from diseases like that? It must be that God is not involved in the process at all. Instead it is a combination of drugs, treatment, emotional and biological make-up, and the nature of the disease itself.
With these sorts of issues and questions floating around inside my head for a number of years, I began to see other problems with my traditional concepts of God. Why is the God of the New Testament so incredibly different than the God of the Old Testament? In the New Testament, we see a God of love, compassion, mercy, grace, and caring. Indeed, in modern Christian circles, this is the concept of God that most of us have. Yet, the God of the Old Testament was frequently angry, jealous, capricious, petty, concerned with only his own chosen race of people, diabolical, and even murderous. If God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, as is frequently stated in Christian circles, then why did he change so drastically from the Old to the New Testament? Did God change, or did our concept of God change?
In the Old Testament, God does some pretty despicable things. His actions in the various famous stories of the Old Testament – such as the Exodus and the destruction of Jericho – are frequently downright evil. In the story of the Exodus, God uses Moses to rain down plague after plague on the population of Egypt. The Pharaoh continually agrees to let the Hebrews go, but then always “hardens his heart” before it actually happens. So then God sends more plagues. Exodus 10, verses 1 and 2, says the following:
Then the LORD said to Moses, “Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart and the hearts of his officials so that I may perform these miraculous signs of mine among them that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians and how I performed my signs among them, and that you may know that I am the LORD.”
This passage makes it clear that God actually took Pharaoh’s free will away, and hardened his heart, so that he could continue to rain plagues on the innocent people of Egypt, in order to perform signs for future generations of Hebrews. Time and time again in the story of the plagues, the text says that “God hardened Pharaoh’s heart.” Pharaoh, clearly, had no choice in the matter regarding his actions. He was merely the puppet of an angry God, bent on proving a point.
And it does not stop there, of course. The final plague is the most diabolical of all. Celebrated by Jews to this day, and also an integral part of the Christian story, Passover commemorates when God went through Egypt and slaughtered Egyptian babies en masse, sparing the Jewish babies. Do we really worship a God who murders babies? Does the God of love, compassion, and kindness murder innocent children by the tens of thousands?
Finally, God tops off his diabolical deeds by “hardening Pharaoh’s heart” again and causing Pharaoh to send his army out after the fleeing Israelites. Moses parts the Red Sea, the Hebrews go through, and then just as Pharaoh’s army follows them, the sea rushes back in, drowning them all.
God is love, God is compassion, God is kindness. Unless you are an Egyptian. Then God is on a level with Hitler, Stalin, or Vlad the Impaler.
In this story, God takes away Pharaoh’s free will, forces him to oppress the Israelites, and then punishes him for that oppression by sending plague upon plague against the general population, culminating with the slaughter of tens of thousands of innocent children, and the drowning of an entire army of soldiers.
Praise God!
As if that is not already enough, as we move on in the Old Testament to the story of Jericho, we have a story where God makes one army defeat another army (killing thousands in the process), and God actually suspends the laws of nature by making the “sun stand still in the sky” so that Joshua and his army can have more daylight by which to slaughter the inhabitants of Jericho (and let’s not even discuss the mistake in assuming the sun is moving in the sky at all...clearly the writer of this story believed the earth was fixed in space, with the heavens rotating around it). God allows the army of the Israelites to defeat the much stronger army of Jericho, and overrun the city. God had promised the city to the Israelites, so the people who were already there were just, apparently, out of luck.
Events like this go on and on. Elijah is given the responsibility of slaughtering the prophets of Baal; the entire cities of Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed, with all the inhabitants, including the children; God routinely afflicts people – even wayward Israelites – with plagues and death for committing various sins.
As I looked at and considered all these things, I began to question if this is the kind of God I really want to worship.
And what about the New Testament? It is rather disturbing that in order to save us all from our sins, God required the sacrifice of his son, Jesus. It is reminiscent of ancient death cults whose gods required blood and human flesh. We complete that bizarre tradition by “eating the flesh and drinking the blood” every week in our Lord’s Supper ritual. If God wanted to save the world from its sins, why did Jesus have to die? If God is all-powerful, could he not just wave his hand and make it be so? The death of Jesus seems sort of unnecessary. We are taught that God wants everyone to be saved, and that God loves everyone equally. If this is true, why the shenanigans with Jesus? Why not just say, “Everyone’s saved!” and be done with it? By requiring Jesus’s death, and then requiring us to “accept Jesus,” God is, in fact, ensuring that the majority of people on earth will not get to heaven. That does not seem like the action of an all-loving God, who wants to spend eternity in heaven with everyone.
As I struggled with these thoughts and doubts, I felt very conflicted inside. I felt like I was “losing my faith” or “losing my salvation” and I felt very scared to face a life without the comforting beliefs of my childhood. But much as I wanted those beliefs, I could not make myself believe something that I was rationally and logically unable to believe. Believing in Santa Claus would be wonderful, but what adult can believe in Santa Claus? In fact, it would seem that the Santa Claus idea is really just “God for kids.” An all loving, all seeing, immortal father figure, who rewards our good behavior. As we grow up, we sort of “graduate” from Santa Claus to God. But we think Santa Claus is just a myth, while simultaneously believing whole-heartedly in God, even though there is not much difference between the two, when you strip away all the meat.
When I got divorced, these conflicting feelings only got worse. I feared I was becoming an atheist, even against my will. I did not want to be an atheist, but I felt that I could not believe in a God who seemed so capricious, so prejudiced, so murderous and evil, so unpredictable, so utterly silent, and so completely unreachable. Nothing in my traditional background seemed to make sense anymore. Virgins do not give birth, people do come back to life after dying and beginning to rot in the tomb, and God cannot be the God of love, compassion, and kindness if he has really done all the terrible things attributed to him in the bible.
And the typical platitudes handed out by the church, such as “God works in mysterious ways,” “Bad things happen to good people,” and “We just cannot know the answers until we get to heaven,” did not work for me anymore.
I was at a spiritual crossroads.
I could either reject God all together, or I could begin to redefine my understanding of what God was, what God did, and how a concept of God was applicable to my life.
I began reading a lot of books on biblical scholarship. I read books by biblical scholars like Elaine Pagels and Marcus Borg. I read books by historians like Charles Freeman. I read books by theologians like the Reverend John Shelby Spong. But I did not limit my reading to only the progressives and academics. I read The Case for Christ, by evangelical preacher Lee Strobel. I read The Purpose-Driven Life, by traditionalist, and mega-church pastor, Rich Warren. I read Velvet Elvis, by the moderate Rob Bell, pastor of a large nondenominational church in Michigan. And I read books by Christian writers Anne Lamott and Donald Miller.
I also branched out into other religious traditions. I read books on Islam, Jewish Mysticism, and quite a few on Buddhism. I studied books comparing the teachings of Jesus to the teachings of Buddha. I delved into the Gnostic Gospels, reading the various different interpretations of Jesus’s life that existed in the first few centuries after his death. (I was surprised to discover that Gnostic beliefs and congregations were far more widespread in the first three centuries after Jesus’s death than Orthodoxy. It was not until Orthodoxy got into the pants of Constantine in the early 300’s that Orthodox interpretations of Jesus’s life became the mainstream version of events that we know today.)
Throughout this period of heavy religious-oriented reading (which continues to this day), I began to develop a new kind of spirituality, and new understanding of God.
Where before I had been conflicted, confused, angry, sad, and scared, I now began to develop a new peace with God, and with my spiritual beliefs. Atheism no longer loomed as a specter at the end of my spiritual journey. Instead, I found new life, and a new path, through a new understanding of God, Jesus, and the nature of the sacred.
I came to view God not as the Big Man in the Sky of traditional Christianity, but as the very essence of life, love, and being. God is the energy behind the emotion we call love, the driving force that breathes life into the world, and the ground of all being. God is not a theistic, supernatural entity, living up in the sky somewhere, intervening at his whim in affairs on earth. God is within us, all around us, an integral part of our very existence. We are part of God, and God is part of us. And when we begin to seek God, to explore the spiritual side of ourselves, we can awaken to this God-nature within us. We are not God, but we are a part of God. Just as water is the ground of being for a wave, God is the ground of our being. And our lives, like the wave, are merely a manifestation of God’s presence.
Like water to the wave, the core of our being transcends the boundaries of birth and death. I do believe in life after death, although not the traditional Christian concepts of a heaven with mansion-lined golden streets for the good people, and a hell of eternal fire and torment for the bad people. I believe that our souls, perhaps our consciousness, will live on in some way, though I cannot describe how.
I do not believe that Jesus was the divine Son of God, or God in the flesh. I believe Jesus was fully human, conceived by a man and a woman, and born into a normal 1st century Jewish family. I believe he grew to become an alternate wisdom teacher, faith healer, and an activist for socio-religious change in his society. I do not believe he was trying to invent a new religion, nor do I believe that he likely ever made any claims of divinity. He may have used Jewish messianic language to refer to himself, but not in the sense of being God’s son and coming to earth to save sinners.
I do believe Jesus had a unique capacity to love and to give himself away. I believe he was arrested and brought to trial for stirring up dissent and angering the religious powers that be, and I believe his episode in the temple where he ousted the moneychangers was probably used by his enemies in order to have legal reasons to imprison him. I think it is possible he may have been trying to get arrested, without realizing it would end in execution. Once execution became eminent, I believe that he faced it with dignity and grace, and I believe he was, indeed, willing to die for his message.
I do not believe that Jesus was raised from the dead after he died, at least not physically. I believe in a resurrection of the spirit – the resurrection as a metaphorical tool to describe how the power of Jesus’s teachings transcends the boundaries of birth and death.
I believe the miraculous and divine language attributed to Jesus in the bible is the result of a growing mythology surrounding Jesus in the decades after his death, as well as later additions to the original texts by scribes and later writers. Following his unexpected and tragic death, I believe Jesus’s followers were seeking to understand the greater meaning of his life and what it meant for their lives, and I believe they drew on distinctly Jewish understandings of spirituality to form the basic theology that would become Christianity (the idea of a sacrificial lamb, being “washed in the blood” and cleansed of sin, and so on).
I come to God through the person of Jesus of Nazareth, and through the background of the Christian tradition. I find the essence of love, the essence of life, and the ground of all being within the life of Jesus of Nazareth. If I had to label myself, I would call myself a progressive Buddhist Christian. I practice Christianity flavored with the meditative tradition of Buddhism. I believe that Jesus of Nazareth was awake in God in a unique and powerful way. I believe that Jesus expressed God through loving completely and unconditionally and bringing life to those he came in contact with. “I come not to condemn the world,” Jesus said, “but to save it.” He also said, “I have come so that you may have life, and have it more abundantly.” Through the teachings and life of Jesus, I am encouraged to love with the core of my being, to give myself away to others, to live my life to the fullest in every moment, and to be all that I can be. When I do those things, I am communing with God.
I practice Buddhist meditation as a way to open my mind, release myself from common but faulty notions of self and materialism, and as a way to touch the transcendence of God. I believe meditation is spiritually and physically healthy, and I believe it leads to a better ability to be compassionate, loving, and in tune with the essence of God.
While I come to God through Jesus and the tradition of Christianity, I do not believe that Jesus or the Christian tradition is the only pathway to God. I believe that all religions are pointing to the same goal – to God, to the source of love, life, and being. I believe Jesus was uniquely in touch with the spirit of God, but I also believe there are other “Jesus figures” in history and in the world. Among these are Moses and the Jewish patriarchs, the Buddha, Mohammed, and even modern individuals like Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Jr., and the Buddhist peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh. I believe that God can be reached through an array of religious traditions, and I believe that any claims to religious exclusivity are absurd, hypocritical, and blasphemous. Claiming that one or another religious tradition offers the only pathway to God is boxing God into a tiny cultural coffin, and limiting God’s manifest reality. God is greater than any religious tradition we try to cram God into.
God is neither male nor female, and using masculine pronouns to refer to God is not only inaccurate, but it perpetuates the concept of a male-dominated society. God is not a being of any kind, and is therefore genderless. Referring to God as a “he” would be like referring to the emotion love as a “he.” I prefer to not use pronouns at all to refer to God, but if I do, I use “it.” But even that is not accurate, because it implies that God is a “thing” or “being” of some type. I do not believe that God is an object or being in any human sense, thus, pronouns of any type are not applicable.
I do not believe the bible is the infallible, inspired word of God. I believe it is a compilation of spiritual texts, written over the course of a thousand years, by a group of people whose lives were infused with God and notions of God. I believe it is testament to the tenacity of the Hebrew people, and to their inherent spirituality. I believe it is a collection of writings wherein the ancient Hebrews were attempting to understand their world and their place in the world, and to describe their experiences with the transcendent. I believe the bible is a beautiful book, with a lot of spiritual usefulness to our modern lives, but it has been abused, misused, and misinterpreted for two thousand years. The bible is not infallible, nor is it Life’s Ultimate Rule Book. Viewing the bible like that, in my opinion, is the essence of blasphemy and idolatry.
My descriptions of God as the essence of life, love, and being, are not the end of the discussion. I believe that God is ultimately beyond human description. Human language can express experiences with God, but cannot define God. A horse could describe to another horse what its experiences with humans were like, but it could not describe to another horse what it meant to be a human being. So it is with humans and God. God is beyond our ability to comprehend or define. We can only describe our experiences with God’s transcendence. In the ancient, pre-Newtonian world, describing God as a divine being with supernatural power was reasonable. In our post-Newtonian, post-modern world, however, those definitions are no longer valid. That does not mean God is no longer valid, merely that our understandings of God must be redefined and updated. Ultimately, all definitions and descriptions fail. But that does not mean we should stop trying. It will be up to the next generation to describe God in a way that makes sense for them.
The worst thing humans can do is to believe that they have finally and ultimately defined what God is, and figured out how God works. The institution of the Church has, through its actions and theologies over the centuries, essentially made this fallacious claim. I believe such claims are hypocritical and even blasphemous. God is greater than our human definitions of God.
As for the Church, as an institution, I believe it is a lesson in hypocrisy. It has picked the bible apart according to its need. Women are not allowed to be preachers because it says so in the bible, but the pursuit of wealth and possessions is just fine, even though Jesus preaches against this time and time again. Homosexuality is wrong, because it says so in the bible, but self-righteousness, evangelistic piety, and religious legalism is okay, even though Jesus continually fights people (the Pharisees) who were just like this. Evolution is wrong, because Creation is described in the bible, but pre-emptive wars, torture, and capital punishment are okay, even though the bible says “Thou shalt not kill” and Jesus preaches a message of peace, compassion, forgiveness, and non-violence (not to mention the fact that he was a victim, himself, of capital punishment).
I frequently question whether most Christians know anything about Jesus at all. The What Would Jesus Do fad seems utterly hypocritical, and I believe that the Church, as an institution, has basically created its own version of Jesus...the Jesus it needs to support its power over people’s lives. I see church parking lots full of expensive cars and SUV’s, church goers dressed in expensive dresses and suits, carrying Gucci handbags and wearing gold, silver, and diamond jewelry. I see Christians living in enormous houses, spending thousands of dollars on pools, private golf course memberships, home electronics, boats, and gadgets – believing, all along, that their wealth and success is a direct blessing from God for their piety. Indeed, the very “God Bless America” sentiment implies that our country has special favor with God, and we have been rewarded accordingly with prosperity, wealth, economic stability, and military might. Mormonism, as a matter of fact, holds that America is a sort of “new Promised Land,” chosen and handpicked by God.
I see churches building multi-million dollar sanctuaries, and placing $300,000 decorative fountains in their front yards, while homeless people panhandle for food across the street. Indeed, the streets continue to fill with the poor, the hungry, the destitute, and the middle classes continue to sink farther and farther behind the wealthy.
The Church, and its members, make themselves feel better about these things by the occasional mission trip to Honduras, the occasional loose change dropped into the Ronald McDonald box at the drive-thru, the occasional bag of old, ratty clothes dropped off to Goodwill, and the occasional donation made to the Red Cross or the Salvation Army at Christmas time.
We, as Christians, have made God and Jesus into what we want them to be...we have ignored much of Jesus’s teachings, picking out the pieces we need to support our extravagant and self-absorbed lifestyles, while conveniently ignoring Jesus’s teachings about all-consuming love, compassion, acceptance, openness, forgiveness, mercy, and pouring ourselves into the service of others.
A true follower of Jesus would make love the center of her life. A true follower of Jesus would put others first, all the time, and himself second. A true follower of Jesus would give up the pursuit of wealth and worldly possessions, and instead focus on helping others. A true follower of Jesus would love utterly and wastefully, without condition, one hundred percent of the time. A true follower of Jesus would work to bring the fullness of life and love to the people of the world.
So this is what I attempt to do. I am only human, and I fail frequently. But the goal of my spirituality is to love like Jesus loved, to live like Jesus lived, and to give myself completely to others. I believe the kingdom of God promised in the bible is not about life after death. I believe it is about life in the here and now. Indeed, I believe that the message of Jesus is about having life now, and having it more abundantly. It is not about promises of golden streets and cheating death. It is about awakening to the existence of God within us, about seeing the world through the eyes of God, about learning to live compassionately, and plunging – through the example of Jesus – into the fullness of life with God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)