Eddy's Story

Note: You'll notice rather quickly that this post is written quite differently than most of the things I write. In writing this account, I experimented with a narrative technique pioneered and made famous by Kurt Vonnegut. Readers familiar with Vonnegut's work will no doubt recognize the style, and will also no doubt recognize my efforts as a cheap imitation of that style. So it goes. Still, I chose to write the story like this in order to challenge myself by trying on a different set of literary clothes, and also as a sort of tribute to the genius of Mr. Vonnegut.

Also, for the faint of heart, please note that near the bottom of this post, I have posted a picture in black and white that is extremely gory.

This is a true story.

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Eddy was born in 1864.

Eddy, dressed like a girl, together with his proud parents

His father was famous and his grandmother was even more famous. She was known around the world. They even named an era after her. Eddy didn’t know that when he was born, though. To him, she was just the funny old lady who smelled.

Eddy was named after his grandfather, but Eddy never knew him; he was already worm food when Eddy was born. His grandfather had been pretty famous too, but only because he was married to Eddy’s grandmother. They put him on tobacco boxes.

Eddy was born two months early, which is really early. They thought he would die, but he didn’t. Sometimes babies born that early don’t die. This is why people don’t like late term abortions. It’s a real live baby in there, etc.

Look: Eddy and his brother Georgie were only a year apart. Because of that, they were close. Georgie was pretty smart, but Eddy was known as the dummy of the family. A teacher once called him “abnormally dormant.”

Eddy was abnormally dormant, as you can see in this photograph

Doctors and such who specialize in that sort of thing say being born at seven months gestation can cause learning disabilities, etc. Or maybe Eddy just had bad genes. Either way, his family was concerned about how dumb he was.

When he was thirteen, Eddie almost died. He got typhoid, which is caused by ingesting poop. Funnily enough, his grandfather, famous on tobacco boxes, had died from typhoid too. It probably came from bad water. Water in the 19th century often had poop in it. Eddy didn’t die though. He probably wished he had.

When Eddy was sixteen, he joined the navy. His family hoped it might give him some good structure, teach him a thing or two about life, etc. He got to sail all over the world. His brother Georgie was with him. They got tattoos together in Japan, which was a pretty popular thing for sailors to do back then.

When he was 18, Eddy went to college. He was still abnormally dormant, but he got into a prestigious school because his grandmother was famous. They didn’t make him take tests or anything. They just let him go to school there. One of his teachers was a homosexual poet, etc., who later lost his mind and starved himself to death at age 32.

A homosexual poet

When Eddy left college in the 1880’s, he joined the army. He pretty much hated the army, but he did like to play polo. So he joined the cavalry. They let him play a lot of polo, evidently.

Look: Eddy was probably gay. It may have started with the gay-poet-who-would-later-go-crazy-and-starve-to-death tutor, or he may have just been born that way. Doctors and such who specialize in that sort of thing say gay people are born gay. Pastors and such say that’s not true, etc.

In any case, Eddy had a good friend named Arthur. Arthur took care of Eddy’s horses, and maybe a few other things, etc. Arthur got in big trouble in 1889 when police found out that he was paying men to have sex with him. He had to go to France to keep from going to jail. Gay men like France, evidently.

Most people figured Eddy was paying men to have sex with him too.

Lucky for Eddy, his family was rich and powerful, and they kept Eddy from ever getting charged with the crime of homosexuality.

Homosexuality was a crime back then.

Eddy's family was so rich and powerful, they had a painting done of themselves. Eddy is the dandy on the far left.

Eddy decided to get away from the scandal by going to India. He feasted with maharajahs and rode elephants. He also shot a lot of animals with a high powered rifle. Like polo, he really enjoyed killing animals. He found it to be a lot of fun, etc.

While he was in India, he met a married lady and apparently had sex with her. Maybe he was trying to prove he wasn’t a homosexual. In any case, she claimed her son was Eddy’s love child. Eddy’s family said that was preposterous. She later went crazy and died.

By now it was 1890 and Eddy’s family decided it was high time he get settled down and marry. This would ensure that he had children, but it would also make everyone believe he wasn’t gay.

Because Eddy’s family was rich and powerful, they set him up with a rich lady from Eastern Europe. Her name was Alexandra, because all Eastern Europeans in the 19th century were named either Alexander or Alexandra, depending on their genitalia.

This person was Eastern European, and had a vagina, so her name was Alexandra

Eddy asked Alexandra to marry him, but she said no. She probably thought he was gay and abnormally dormant.

Eddy was irritated, but he shouldn’t have felt too bad. Alexandra later got what was coming to her in a bad, bad way.

Look: Alexandra dumped Eddy to marry a rich and powerful man named Nicholas. Nicholas later became the Tsar of All Russia (in Russia, they call their king a “tsar”). Nicholas was really unpopular though, and in 1917, hungry terrorists called Communists overthrew the country. They took Nicholas and Alexandra, and their five children, out into the woods and fired about a hundred bullets at them. One of the bullets tried to take up the same space as Alexandra’s head. It entered above her left ear and exited above her right ear, etc. Then they stabbed her a bunch of times, because it seemed the thing to do. She died.

She probably should have married Eddy.

In any case, Eddy next went after a French girl. Her name was Helene. But she was Roman Catholic and Eddy’s family was Protestant. And in Eddy’s family, you just flat out did not marry a Catholic, because Catholics were idol-worshippers.

Helene was an idol-worshipper, as evidenced by her hat

Helene apparently really, really liked Eddy, though. So she offered to become a Protestant. Eddy’s family thought this was fantastic. But Helene’s family was outraged. They were pretty sure Protestants were going to hell, and no daughter of their family was going to burn with pagans, infidels, witches, and Protestants.

So Eddy was left holding his bag. It’s no wonder he was visiting male brothels. Etc.

In his defense, Eddy doesn’t seem to have been put off too much by all this. Apparently he wasn’t terribly choosy in a wife. Which makes sense if he was a raging homosexual.

Eddy, a raging homosexual

In December of 1891, Eddy finally struck gold. A lady named Mary agreed to marry him. Everybody was really happy. Third time’s a charm and all that. His famous grandmother remarked that Mary was “charming, sensible, and pretty,” which is exactly what any good woman should be.

Under this dress, Mary is wearing sensible shoes

A month later, in January of 1892, Eddy got the flu.

He died.

Mary ended up marrying his brother. Such is life.

Everybody was pretty upset about Eddy dying. He was abnormally dormant, and he liked to have sex with men, but people were still pretty upset. Like all people who die suddenly, everyone pretended that all the bad things had never been said, and instead said nothing but good things about him. It was like that for Michael Jackson too. Guilt is a dirty, dirty thing. Etc.

Michael Jackson, a homosexual pedophile

Eddy had been dead for a long time when the first person said he was Jack the Ripper. Most people who knew about Eddy thought that was preposterous. Sort of like when he said he wanted to marry a Catholic.

Here’s how the theory went: Eddie was a pervert. He liked to have sex with men and women. Doctors and such who specialize in that sort of thing call those people “bisexual.”

Bisexual people have a flag. This is it.

We already know about Eddie and the male prostitutes. Eddie also liked to partake of an occasional bangers and mash with anonymous hookers in London’s Whitechapel district. After one particularly rousing session of sexual intercourse for money, his sperm mated with an ovum, causing a baby to be produced in a prostitute’s womb.

This was a bad thing. So Eddy killed her.

Mary Jane Kelly did not survive this encounter

Problem was, she had some hooker friends who knew his dirty secret. So he killed them too. He discovered that he liked it a lot, etc. He also cut up their bodies and removed some organs, just for the sheer joy of it.

Eddy probably wasn’t Jack the Ripper. But it’s a fun story to tell.

Look: You’re probably wondering who the hell Eddy is.

If Eddy hadn’t died in 1892, he would have become the King of England in 1910.

Prince Eddy, in a photograph that drove the boys crazy

Eddy's brother, Georgie, who got to marry Eddy's fiance' and take Eddy's throne when Eddy conveniently died